by Thomas J. Leonard, Linda Talley and Coach U, Inc.
Copyright 1997 by  All rights reserved.

This book is an adventure. Its purpose is to help you see and experience subtleties of language -- we call these distinctions. Please use it to increase your own awareness and the awareness of your friends and clients.


Please don't take everything in this book literally. Rather, simply try on the distinctions and see which ones fit. Please ignore what does not work for you. The ways we've described words may not reflect or include standard dictionaries or Webster's viewpoint.  

Regarding usage of the Distinctionary, the first of the two words or terms is generally the better, stronger, more useful one. Usually, nothing is "wrong" with the second word or term; it is simply weaker or less inclusive.


 acceptable vs non-acceptable

Either something is acceptable as in your boundaries, your needs, or your standards, or it’s not acceptable. It’s either one or the other, there’s no in between. If it’s not acceptable, you must announce it as so and then take action from there. Pam kept justifying why things were acceptable when in fact they weren’t but she was afraid of the consequences of she took a stand. Note: Force the client to draw the line.


addiction-free vs managing behaviors

When one is fully recovered they no longer feel the desire, need or compulsion to medicate their feelings using addictions. Others attempt to manage their behavior rather than resolving the underlying cause. Willpower is a character  defect and uses up valuable energy. With therapy the source of the need can be identified and resolved. James was spending all his time managing his feelings and behaviors so that he would remain abstinent, yet he wasn’t sober or free .


adjusted to vs tolerated

Because the world is constantly changing, humans need to adjust to new situations, problems and opportunities, some of which may be uncomfortable because they call for growth and change. To tolerate means to compromise one’s values, boundaries, and standards for some linear reason. Eventually tolerations build up and the person shuts down or explodes. Briefly adjusted to is a choice; tolerations are a reaction.


adult child vs codependent

A codependent needs someone else to have a problem in order for to have a reason for living. Their existence is dependent on another, meaning their reason for living depends on another person. An adult child, on the other hand, had his or her development arrested at some point and hasn't developed the adult skills to relate as an equal to others and is often afraid of authority figures, acts in an immature way and isn't able to develop strong relationships. Tip: Clients often get these two confused, and a person can be both. But it is important for them to identify how they're behaving.


am doing vs could do

Coaching occurs in the present just as life does, and whenever you hear a "could," or a client is planning to make a change it's generally wisest not to get too excited until the client is doing consistently what they've said they could do. The gap between could and is is often wide and some clients get their high from creating what they could do rather than getting pleasure and pride from what they've done. The key is to request evidence and proof of what the client is actually doing rather than spending much time simply creating what the client could do.


angels vs centers of influence

Angels are individuals or companies that can send you about 50% of your clientele or refer that level of business to you. A center of influence is a person or company that can send you 5 to 10% of your business. Obviously, one starts with centers of influences and then develops some of them into angels. The distinction is important because it may not be the quantity of people that you know but the quality of the people you know that will be critical to your practice, and it's worthwhile to invest in both your centers of influence and your angels, but particularly in your angels.


adjusted to vs tolerated

Because the world is constantly changing, humans need to adjust to new situations, problems and opportunities, some of which may be uncomfortable because they call for growth and change. To tolerate means to compromise one’s values, boundaries, and standards for some linear reason. Eventually tolerations build up and the person shuts down or explodes. Briefly adjusted to is a choice; tolerations are a reaction.


adult child vs codependent

A codependent needs someone else to have a problem in order for to have a reason for living. Their existence is dependent on another, meaning their reason for living depends on another person. An adult child, on the other hand, had his or her development arrested at some point and hasn't developed the adult skills to relate as an equal to others and is often afraid of authority figures, acts in an immature way and isn't able to develop strong relationships. Tip: Clients often get these two confused, and a person can be both. But it is important for them to identify how they're behaving.**


am doing vs could do

Coaching occurs in the present just as life does, and whenever you hear a "could," or a client is planning to make a change it's generally wisest not to get too excited until the client is doing consistently what they've said they could do. The gap between could and is is often wide and some clients get their high from creating what they could do rather than getting pleasure and pride from what they've done. The key is to request evidence and proof of what the client is actually doing rather than spending much time simply creating what the client could do.


angels vs centers of influence

Angels are individuals or companies that can send you about 50% of your clientele or refer that level of business to you. A center of influence is a person or company that can send you 5 to 10% of your business. Obviously, one starts with centers of influences and then develops some of them into angels. The distinction is important because it may not be the quantity of people that you know but the quality of the people you know that will be critical to your practice, and it's worthwhile to invest in both your centers of influence and your angels, but particularly in your angels.


articulating what's occurring vs reporting what happened

As human beings we generally report what happened rather than articulate what's occurring right now, mostly because we don't have the skills we need to articulate. It's normal, but as a coach you want a client to have skills to say what they're feeling and sensing and wanting in this very moment, this very second, so that they're dancing with you rather than just reporting. What you'll find is that during the 30-minute or hour coaching call each week, new things and new truths will occur to the client, and it's those that need to be


articulated vs a person repeating what may have been true last week.

The pace of coaching is rapid and the person needs to keep up and have the skill of articulating what's occurring rather than just articulating what happened, because what happened is old news by the next coaching session. We want people to change and turn on a dime during the call as much as between calls.


assist vs help

To help someone means to step in, as in an auto accident. When you see someone on the pavement, you're going to go in and help that person, you're going to touch them, you're going to turn them over, you're going to direct traffic, and so on. Usually you help someone after they're already in trouble. To assist someone means to guide them but not step over the line and help them out of the predicament. They have to be awake and alive enough to request assistance rather than needing you to jump in and save the day. As a coach, you should be spending 98% of your time assisting your clients when they're well and they're able to ask for help, and 2% of your time stepping in when they're over their heads, are having a really bad day or really need someone to step in and be their best friend for an hour or two. Sometimes, we tend to help vs assist because we wish someone had done this for us when we were stuck. But sometimes it is best for the person to not get "help" and instead hit bottom until things get so bad they bounce up and reach for assistance.


attain vs achieve

To attain means you've reached the highest possible level in an area; it usually occurs while you're achieving something. To achieve means to have accomplished something measurable, but not necessarily to have reached the pinnacle.


attentive vs distracted

Is the person across from you being truly attentive? Are they dancing with your words? Are they being with you (vs what you're wearing, what you're saying, who's walking by)? Demand and instruct others how to be attentive, because when they are, you can be more of yourself and creation occurs.


attract vs seduce

We want to attract love, money and energy rather than seduce or promote to get these things. One is able to attract by being themselves, setting goals in synch with their values and having a strong Personal Foundation. Seduction (also very effective, but ultimately unrewarding) is the act of overpromising, trying too hard and getting needs met before fixing the cracks.


attraction vs manifestation

Attraction happens because of WHO you are. Manifestation is what you did.


aware vs no clue

Coaching requires that clients become aware. That means getting in touch with their feelings, getting a sense of their role in the world, and beginning to get in touch with themselves rather than just their reactions and their needs or their egos. It can take anywhere from a day to two or three years before the client can convert and can begin to trust in their awarenesses and their inklings or sensations rather than just trust the facts and the evidence, which one does when one has no clue. We say no clue because it means that a person can't dance with what is really occurring because they're so frightened of trusting anything except that which has been proven to be true.


balance vs juggle

Balance is natural and requires no energy. Things just are balanced; it's more of a result than an intention. Juggle is an action word which means effort is being expended to keep things from crashing. The client who's juggling may need to drop some balls in order to accomplish balance.


be cooked vs searching

At some point a person can declare themselves cooked as in healthy, has found themselves and has a reserve. Some people so enjoy the searching process that for them life would be over if they stopped searching. Searching can be an addiction. Jane kept searching until she realized that living completely was the answer and stopped searching.


benefit vs feature

A feature is an aspect of what you're offering, whereas a benefit is how what you are offering will help. Example: A feature of coaching is a weekly conference call. The benefits of that call would be more time because the call is convenient, more success because more action will be being taken, and more confidence and positive self-feelings as a result of the stronger bond between the client and the coach. It's important to use both benefits and features in describing your product or service, but people generally buy on benefits and are reassured by features.


build vs create

Build = create + construct. Create = experiment + design.


cash flow vs profit

Both are essential in a company, but cash is usually more tactically important, whereas profit is more strategically important. Cash flow is basically what you're left with after all expenditures both for deductible expenses as well as for capital purchases -- such as equipment or cars -- have been deducted. An owner needs to write payroll out of his/her checking account rather than out of their financial statement. Cash flow is more important in the short-term management and running of the business, because without that cash, the business will stop. John spent too much time worrying about profits and not enough time focused on his predictable cash flow. He then got into a cash flow crisis and had to borrow heavily in order to make payroll. Tip: Especially with new business, cash flow is more important because they'll be purchasing additional inventory if they're growing, or new equipment if they're getting started, and this generally requires cash. That means, then, that the profits of the company need to be a lot larger than the owner would think in order to have the cash generated to purchase outright pieces of equipment. Finally, cash flow is more important because sometimes your accounts receivable will take a while to collect, and a company can go under waiting for the cash to come in.


centers of influence (COI) vs network

A COI is a person who can bring you at least 10% of your business this year . A COI is well connected, likes or respects you and comes in contact with enough people to be able to feed you referrals or put you in touch with the right people. A network is a collection of colleagues who may or may not send you business. Both COIs and networks are valuable, but COIs make you a lot of money without requiring the maintenance of a large network, which can be exhausting and fraught with seduction.


champion vs cheerlead

When you champion someone, you champion the person regardless of the results. You cheerlead (high form of seduction) to praise results or in order to get results. There is a huge difference here.


charge neutral vs charge up/down

Charge neutral describes the tone of voice that has no Edge or high or low energy to it. It's a useful communication style when coaching a client to make a huge change or to see something big. Charge neutral has an almost blase' feel, kind of like describing a boring weather day. "Oh, it's nice today, isn't it?" "Oh, your life's a mess, isn't it?" "Oh, we need to do a 180 here, don't we?" One can be charge neutral and still very passionate. One becomes charge neutral (rather than charge neutral being a technique) when they are comfortable with themselves, aren't performing, see that the universe is perfect, and so on. One can care a tremendous amount and still be charge neutral. Charge up (loud, reactionary, Edge in voice, hyper, concerned, problem-oriented) and charge down (patronizing, parenting, diminishing, downing, passive) are what a person shifts from to become charge neutral. Note: When you are charge neutral, you can get away with anything (as in saying what needs to be said).


choice vs consequence avoidance

Most of us have learned to do things in order to avoid consequences. We pay our mortgage so we're not foreclosed. We have a stable job for the security of not having to be on the street. We believe in God because the consequences are Hell. Many parents see their job as a way to protect their child. Consequence avoidance training is an integral part in our upbringing. So the option of true choice is a new one for many people, and is a skill that takes time to develop. One can be mindful of the potential consequences and still choose. Having a strong personal foundation and a reserve makes choice possible. Otherwise, our goals and desires will be determined and naturally created by our concerns about the consequences of not choosing the correct goals. As a coach, your job is to shift people from being consequence-avoidance driven to being choice-oriented.


circle of 10 vs Rolodex

Circle of 10 refers to the 10 key people in your life that you've chosen to enjoy and be with forever, but not out of obligation, payoff or need. Most of us don't have the 10 yet, but we're working on ourselves to attract them. For those in the people business, like coaches, it's important to declare who's in your 10 and who's not; otherwise, you can get caught up with who is calling you vs who you want to be with. I go a step further and say that I "live" for my circle of 10, or that my circle of 10 give me "life." Not vicarious, not co-dependent, no dependent. Yet, my life is my life (rich) because of the energy, flow and pleasure that comes from being related to these 10.


clarity vs certainty

Clarity comes from absence of confusion. Certainty comes from knowing what’s so. Both are pretty good, but clarity requires less mind work and is more sustainable because it’s based less on knowledge and more on being. Certainty has a ring of consequence avoidance to it; that is, people feel a need to be certain so that they won’t make a mistake that would cause then a loss of some kind. Clarity is a tool of strength; certainty is a crutch for weakness.**


coach vs consult

To coach someone is to ask for change and growth as well as inform and guide. To consult means to share information and expertise of what you've seen work but not necessarily to request a change or action.


coach vs mentor

A mentor is an expert in a particular field or within a particular company who knows the job inside and can guide someone under them to move up and forward within the company or in the business. A coach is more of an expert on people in general and helps people move forward, but there is not necessarily a higher or lower relationship between the client and coach; it's more interdevelopmental. A mentor relationship is interdependent because the mentor needs the mentee to move up to stay with them so the mentor can rely on the mentee to do tasks politically and financially within the organization which ultimately serve the mentor as much as the mentee. The people need each other. In coaching, the client doesn't need the coach, nor vice versa, which is why it's called interdevelopmental.


coach vs parent

A coach and parent are similar in that both empower, provide unconditional love to and support the person. However, the coach is not responsible for the end result whereas the parent, to some degree (and to some age), generally is. Thus the coach can ask for and demand more from an equal whereas the parent has to be cautious and protective. Susan made the mistake of having a greater interest in protecting her clients from failure than in developing them to be extraordinary.


coach vs partner

A partner has ownership interests in and responsibility for the finances and control of both the partnership and/or the business entity. A coach, while “invested,” has no authority, responsibility or equity.


coach vs technician

A coach does some fixing but mostly helps the person design their own life. With a coach there’s a creative process rather than a repair process. A technician is linear in what they do; the technician reacts to the problem or prevents something from going bad. A coach makes the copier machine do more. A technician fixes the copier and maintains it.


commitment vs wishes

A commitment is an active, causal wish, one that you do something about or make something happen. A wish is what you have, almost a hope, when you're not ready, willing or able to stand up for something. A wish is passive; a commitment is active. If you say are committed but there is no accompanying, measurable action, it is probably only a wish.


community vs culture

A culture is a collection of historical beliefs, behaviors, attitudes, rituals or agreed upon social intercourses. We are the product of our culture, historically. As coaches, however, we want our clients to be equally if not more influenced by their community which is more in the present and more influential and more empowering, often, than cultural norms and expectations. If one is following cultural expectations, one is probably not relating fully with the present because they're being guided or dictated to by the past, and a community of people you love is a healthier form of influence than their culture.


community vs family

A community is your sustainable and consistent source of love, period. A family, network or tribe is often a structure for support, safety, development or need satisfaction. A community, in the way we are using it here, is truly interdevelopmental in nature.


community vs network

Network is what you call the professionals in your life, or the acquaintances that you know personally. A community is the people that have committed to you and you to them to be there for a lifetime of love and support and challenge and friendship and joy. Some of your community might include several people in your network, but in the community the person and the relationship come ahead of the result or of the business and community is not based on need, whereas a network is usually an interdependent relationship.


compassion vs empathy

When you show compassion for someone, you're giving them a gift. You are, in fact, endorsing them for what they feel and what they face. Whether you've been there or not, whether you understand fully what they're going through or not doesn't matter. You're giving them the gift of understanding, of love, of acceptance and endorsement. Empathy, on the other hand, is more of a passive approach to caring which, while useful, doesn't give the recipient all that much. To develop compassion for others, one must fully develop compassion for themselves, their faults, their limitations, and their failures. When one can make oneself right or make the universe right for what they've had to go through and even laugh and enjoy it as a memory, one can then grant others a similar level of acceptance. Compassion is an essential skill in coaching, but one that can't be all that experienced until one is healed. Compassion occurs when one has no need whatsoever to compare or feel threatened or influenced by the other person's concerns. If we see ourselves in someone else and we are afraid of what we see, it's difficult to feel compassion for them.


compassion vs forgiveness

Compassion is who you are. Forgiveness is something that you grant if you are a compassionate person. Linda is a compassionate person who grants forgiveness freely.


compassion vs judging 

Compassion is a gift to another when judgment, reaction or anger could be justified. One can have extensive boundaries yet still have compassion. One has compassion for the other person’s humanity. One develops compassion when they consider themselves as big as they feel they should be and are not threatened by the other person’s smallness. Judging is what you do when the other person brings up a piece of yourself that you have not fully included or embraced. People judge in order to win. People have compassion because it feels good to grant forgiveness with grace.


competence vs experience

Competence = experience + mastery. Experience = time + practice. There is a difference!


complaining vs whining

When you complain, you’re mad at something or someone. You’re not taking, action although you might choose to do so. When someone is whining, they are powerless to do anything. Joyce saw her situation as hopeless, whined about it to anyone who would listen, and stayed in her same rut.


concept vs principle

A principle is something to follow; a concept is something to integrate. A principle is what has worked for someone else, e.g., Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits. A concept is more of an abstract idea that requires the client to experiment and grow from it as in the concept of irresistible attraction. Coach U has laid out the 7 principles of irresistible attraction which can be a starting place for someone vs steps to blindly follow. 


consistent vs partial

When one has a Reserve, their production and/or results are consistent; there is not stopping and starting or partially completed projects.


contribute vs give

You contribute your excess to people who can appreciate it all. You give what you have to people who need it. A coach contributes.


cooperation vs competition

Competition is the value that the U.S. has used to develop itself to date. It has sparked the animal in us to work harder to create more, take more, or get more than the person next to us. Competition is generally adversarial in nature, even if it's friendly competition. Cooperation, on the other hand, is the future for America, where common goals are determined and people work together to accomplish them rather than be catalyzed by the need to win or prove that one is better than the other. This shift from competition to cooperation may take 20 to 50 years, but it will occur as the U.S. becomes more spiritual. Competition is a throw-back to our animal days where survival prompted betterment. At this stage in our culture's development, cooperation is the next generation.


courage vs bravado

Courage is a choice from the self whereas bravado is an expression of the ego and is relied upon to push one past or through resistance that shouldn't be there in the first place. It takes more courage to dismantle the blocks and limitations than it would take bravado to break through them.


critical mass vs momentum

Much of what a coach does is to help the client get into momentum with their life by taking action, resolving the blockages and Accountability Deferment Tactics, and focusing on something worth accomplishing. With enough momentum, a client reaches what is called critical mass, just as in physics when enough things are lined up properly, the chemical reaction occurs. You'll know you're client has reached critical mass when opportunities begin to come to the client vs the client being on the treadmill attempting to reach and create the opportunities. The faster that you can get the client to critical mass, the better. For example, when you're first starting out as a coach you should work with anyone you can and with as many people as you can as quickly as you can regardless of the revenue you receive in order to put yourself in business quickly. If you take your time in building up your practice, it will generally take longer to reach this critical mass stage where you have your reputation, plenty of experience, you're savvy, you're attractive, you've finished your own development, and you've got your own practice.


critical mass vs moving forward

When one’s actions, resources and timing converge, they reach what’s called critical mass which means that all 3 elements automatically work together to cause a result. If any of these 3 are missing, the person is simply moving forward making progress, but there’s been no marked shift or “explosion.” We help our clients do more than they need to do in order for this critical mass to occur. Mark did just enough to keep his life moving forward but never focused strongly enough to make his life leap forward without requiring continual effort.


deal with it vs face it

At some point we all need to face the truth, face our problems or the things that hold us back, and sometimes a client might think that's enough, but as a coach you want to help them deal with it, which is the second step, rather than just look at it. Frank was very open to fixing his problems, but he got a lot of juice out of admitting he was wrong rather than simply dealing with it, handling it forever and moving on to something else.


delegating a task vs delegating authority

A task is a one time accountability whereas authority is ongoing and the person has to think continuously. A task is a follow me, whereas authority is “you take it, run with it and make it bigger.” Carl kept giving away tasks but never truly gave away the authority.


deliver vs do

To deliver is to do what you do until the other person really gets it or something happens. Doing may just be going through the actions or motions without being committed to reaching a desired result or even having one in mind. One delivers coaching rather than does coaching.


delivery vs presentation

Most consultants present what they know, what they see, or what they've concluded, just as you would have a presentation in someone's office about the product you want to sell them. It's left up to the individual to purchase or to change based on your presentation. There's an arm's length distance between you, your presentation, and the potential client. Delivery is more direct. It's when Federal Express knocks on your door and asks you to sign for a package and then you've accepted that package. You may not open it right now, but it's been delivered into your space rather than just let it sit on your doorstep. The coach, then, needs to deliver what they're suggesting or saying rather than just presenting the same. It's okay to intrude with your delivery as long as you're not confrontive or obnoxious.


demonstrate vs create

Coaches ask their clients to demonstrate their commitment, their willingness, their accomplishments vs just creating them. Creating is great and often an essential element in the coaching process, but it's worthless unless the client demonstrates what they've learned or accomplished. As a coach, always press the client to prove they've learned something vs. pressing for discussion of what they've learned.


design vs plan

To design is a non-linear process, free-flowing in style; to plan is to put together a known quantity and type of linked actions, steps and resources.


desire vs compulsion

A person who is compelled to do something is not at choice. Even though the emotional or physical sensations feel great, the person has lost themselves. To desire, on the other hand, is a stronger form of want. It's healthy to desire, it's unhealthy to be compelled to want to get something.


desired vs acceptable

Each of us knows what makes us feel very good and we should only do that. Acceptable shouldn’t be an option. 


direct vs respond

One of the benefits of having a coach is that the client receives clearer direction both from within themselves as well as from the coach. A therapist generally responds; a coach can afford to direct. To direct means that you tell the client where you think they might go or what goals you think they might set given what you've discerned about them. Some coaches don't want to do it this way and would much rather respond to what the client is saying or feeling. Both ways are good, but directive coaching generally accelerates the client's pace of development and helps them set bigger and more rewarding goals because of the influence of the coach's perspective and experience.


disabled vs unable

Disabled means that we were once able and we lost that ability, whereas unable means we can't do something or never have been able to do something. Sometimes a coach can help a client go from disabled to able, and even from unable to able. What helps a client go from disabled to able is often language, momentum, a worthwhile goal or some endorsement.


discern vs assess

Assess means that you're noting measurable, fairly linear pieces of information: what the person wants, what their values are, what their problems are. When you're discerning, you're including what you're assessing either from pieces of paper or just from a conversation, but you're also discerning who that person is and who they want to be rather than just what they want to be. You'll also discern what's possible for that person even if they're not yet able to articulate or be aware of what they most want. Again, discern is a much more inclusive and broader form of assessment and requires additional skills. Jim was a great assessing coach, but he missed out on the biggest gains for his clients because he wasn't able to discern the who as well as the what.


discern vs judge

To discern means to observe information and then draw conclusions based on that information. Discern is when we are able to pick up every aspect of what is occurring or what we observe without having to judge the person as in compare, diminish, make wrong or feel better than. A person discerns better when their needs are met, they don’t get their energy from the other person, they don’t feel a pressure to perform, and they are independent. People judge because they’re threatened in some way or reminded of a piece of themselves that is yet to be reconciled. Compassion is also important because it keeps the observation on the discernment side vs the judgmental side. Note: One can discern without judging and still have a strong opinion and/or label or peg the person. Discernment can be an active process vs just a passive one. It’s the coach's job to peg, or discern, who the client is, where they’re at, what’s in the way, and what’s really going on. The coach who thinks less of clients, diminishes them or stops standing up or behind them (as in putting them in a small box) is judging, not discerning.


educate vs lecture

To educate is to inform, challenge, respond, dance, interact with or zero in on someone's specific needs or concerns. To lecture is to present what you know and then hope the audience finds value in it for themselves. A coach educates; a public speaker usually lectures.


effective vs efficient

To be effective means you're able to accomplish a worthwhile goal that's been chosen. To be efficient means you're quick and able at the task or even at accomplishing a goal, but it may not be the most effective goal to have set. Better to be less efficient and more effective than more efficient and less effective. The hamster running around the cage is efficient at living his life, but is that hamster effective? You may be very efficient at conducting your coaching calls, but how effective are you being with your clients?


ego vs mind

Ego is the energy production system that we developed just to make it through the rearing process. The mind takes continual snapshots of everything that occurs and files them in order to protect our bodies from death. Whenever we get close to a potentially threatening situation, our mind will stop us as a protective measure. Steven is run by his ego and stopped by his mind.


embrace vs merge

When you embrace something, you can still remain distinct. When you merge, you become the same.


emulate vs mirror

As coaches our clients often take on some of our character traits, language, even our goals. This can be healthy as long as the client is weaving these into their life. If their sense of self is weak, however, they may tend to mirror and copy us rather than emulate us in selected ways.


endear vs please

One endears another to them by doing things for the person. Endearment occurs without seduction or ego gratification; it just feels good. People-pleasing comes from lack of self-worth, lack of self-esteem or unmet needs. The person is dependent upon the other person’s reaction to them for a sense of self. Endearment is a choice; people pleasing is based on need.


endorse vs diminish

Obviously as a coach our job is to endorse and build up a client based on truth and encouragement. Some coaches, however, are consequence-avoidance oriented, and they tend to diminish the client under the guise of protecting them. Most everyone knows their faults and weaknesses and does not need to be reminded of them. It may be accurate to point out the client's weakness, but it's generally not useful nor is it ethically appropriate. Our job is to build up the strengths, not to shore up the weaknesses. So the next time you say something that is not completely endorsive, you're probably diminishing the client even if you think you're doing the client a favor.


energy vs adrenaline

Energy has no up or down charge to it and is shared by all people. Adrenaline is similar to energy in that we experience it between people; it can be a flow. However, adrenaline is not sustainable, but rather is consumptive, a prompter, an accelerator and an artificial high. Energy is fairly quiet and peaceful, but at the same time is supportive and nourishing and is permanently sustainable. So as a coach, look to see if energy is being passed between you and your client, or if it is adrenaline that either of you is giving to the other. Clients who need a high will look for an adrenaline-oriented coach. Clients who want peace or want to grow will look for an energy-oriented coach.


eternity vs purpose

Given eternity is longer than any future and equal to a perfect present, the notion of having or living a life purpose is redundant, yes?


ethics vs morals 

Ethics are the adult choices we make concerning how we conduct ourselves in life. Morals are the behaviors we have adopted at the suggestion or requirement of others or an institution. Sue enjoyed designing her own ethical behavior which happened to include many of the morals she had heretofore accepted blindly.


evoke vs confront

No one wants to be confronted, even if you as the coach can justify the need for the client to tell the truth. Better to take the softer approach -- that is, to bring out the best or the truth, rather than force it out. This because the client-coach relationship should ultimately come ahead of fast client results. Evoking builds trust; confronting, while useful, generates fear which often results in the relationship ending.


evoke vs force/manage

At the Attraction Level, we enjoy evoking responses, actions, performance, Truth and results from others because we know that's where sustainable, self-generative momentum and results happen easier. Life's too short to have to manage others; better to evoke them. (You may have to do both, but strengthen your evoking skills.)


excitement vs drama

Excitement is a healthy feeling of energy. Drama is an emotional reaction which is caused by potential threat and produces adrenaline. Joe is a drama/adrenaline junkie, but he thinks it’s healthy excitement.


excitement vs fear

The symptoms of fear are an increased heart rate, a holding back, having a stopped-ness about a person's activities, lots of talk or silence. It is important for the coach to help the client determine whether what they are experiencing is fear or excitement. This is not a mind trip or a game of semantics; sometimes the client simply confuses their symptoms, calls them fear and is held back. If they had known it was excitement, they may have moved forward and felt more comfortable with those sensations they had mistakenly labeled as fear.


experience feelings vs medicating

You know you experience feelings when they get richer but not higher, by themselves. It's medicating when you use a substance or other person to impact your mood or give you a high. Karen was so busy medicating herself with her boyfriend and sugar that her true feelings never had a chance to come out.


expertise vs experience

Both of these distinctions are good, but expertise is a little bit better, because it means you've not only gone through something, as in experienced it, but you've also developed some skills to apply because of it. So again, expertise includes experience, but if you've just experienced something, it may not mean that you've developed the expertise to handle it well in the future. Joan had lots of experience as a coach, yet she hadn't developed her expertise as a coach.


extensive boundaries vs inadequate boundaries

One sets a boundary to protect from other people’s insensitive or irresponsible behavior. A boundary is basically a NO, a line that is uncrossable. The challenge is to establish this line far in front of you rather than right in front of you. This will give you the time you need to protect yourself early enough. When Julie tripled her boundaries, she excluded certain people and certain people’s behaviors, thus freeing her up to start enjoying herself more.


extreme self-care vs just enough

Obviously, the better one takes care of themselves, their body, environment, relationships, money and spirit, the better off they’ll be in life. At the adult stage, the client needs to prove how much they care about themselves by taking extreme measures in this area. At this point just enough becomes not enough. In order to foster self-esteem and balance, the person must exercise the muscle called extreme self-care.


feel vs think

To feel is to experience the moment with your body, heart and mind. To think is to experience the moment with just your mind. Suzy used to rely on her mind to know how she was feeling. With coaching she began to experience life more richly because more bridges were opened between her and reality.


feeling vs emotional reaction

The only true feeling is love; everything else (upsets, anger, fear, sadness, etc.) are emotional reactions. When Joy realized that all she had were emotional reactions but no feelings, she got to the bottom of what was causing her to react and began to enjoy her true feelings.


financial independence vs savings

One of the primary goals that a coach will work on with a client is to assist them to develop a financial independence plan and then begin to implement that plan. Financial independence is what we call the point in life in which money no longer dictates your choices because you have enough cash or other assets available to support you for the rest of your life. In coaching it might take anywhere from 12 to 24 months to solidly turn a client around or put them on this kind of a path. So even if the person is not yet financially independent, they can be on that path in a very shot period of time, and as long as they keep doing what they've started to do, they will reach their objective. Just getting them on the plan itself is often enough to give a person additional confidence and help them increase their ability to earn money.


forgive vs understand

When someone's done something bad to us, if we stand in their shoes, or if we get enough information about why they did that, we often can understand their motivation and kind of get their humanity in the matter. This is understanding. However understanding is something that we experience from our heads, whereas forgiveness is really what we grant another out of choice, from our hearts. You want your clients to be able to forgive those people who have hurt them, whether it's their parents, siblings, spouse, children, community, competitors or associates, and basically become someone who naturally forgives as a very advanced skill rather than someone who simply understands and can help justify why the person did what they did. Forgiveness is a gift you grant others; understanding is only about yourself.


formulas vs rules

Formulas are "x + y = z." In coaching, luck might = excellence + personal style. So formulas are useful to give a client an idea of what it might take by way of ingredients to make a great cake or a great life. However, don't turn these into rules, because you want the client to develop their own formulas rather than just following yours. Formulas in coaching just give the client a higher place to start; they shouldn't be taken as rules.


forgive vs understand

When someone's done something bad to us, if we stand in their shoes, or if we get enough information about why they did that, we often can understand their motivation and kind of get their humanity in the matter. This is understanding. However understanding is something that we experience from our heads, whereas forgiveness is really what we grant another out of choice, from our hearts. You want your clients to be able to forgive those people who have hurt them, whether it's their parents, siblings, spouse, children, community, competitors or associates, and basically become someone who naturally forgives as a very advanced skill rather than someone who simply understands and can help justify why the person did what they did. Forgiveness is a gift you grant others; understanding is only about yourself.


formulas vs rules Formulas are "x + y = z."

In coaching, luck might = excellence + personal style. So formulas are useful to give a client an idea of what it might take by way of ingredients to make a great cake or a great life. However, don't turn these into rules, because you want the client to develop their own formulas rather than just following yours. Formulas in coaching just give the client a higher place to start; they shouldn't be taken as rules.


fulfillment vs satisfaction

Satisfaction is the sensation that you feel when your needs are met. You're satisfied; you're satiated. Fulfillment, however, is the deeper, more soul-oriented feeling that one experiences when they are expressing their values, as in being themselves. When an artist is creating, they often experience fulfillment in their work. However, when the artist is getting appreciation, which perhaps may be a need, they're going to feel satisfied but not fulfilled. Both are good, but fulfillment is a richer experience.


gift vs hook

This one's pretty obvious. when you give something and you expect, want, or need something in return, then obviously the gift is not a gift; it's a form of seduction because you knew you expected something in return. If it's a gift, it means  you can afford to give it, and as much as you want a response, it's not why you're doing it. You actually have extra to give and giving it doesn't hurt you in any way.


God (philosophical) vs God (religious)

There are two ways people can experience God. One is from the religious or spiritual sense that there is a being out there who helps and supports and loves us unconditionally. Obviously a person learns this through school, through Sunday school or religious upbringing. In the philosophical realm, there is a different notion of God, that God is the concept that human beings had to develop because they couldn't get past the gray area because they hadn't advanced very far on their path of development. People who do a lot of work on themselves and have a strong community often feel that sense of God inside. It isn't like they're God, omnipotent or omniscient, but that they tap into the energy that they have or into universal love, or whatever it is that's positive, and they call that God, and that's what they share with each other. Both varieties of this distinction work quite well. We bring up the philosophical God for those people who are unable to experience God in any religious or traditional way. In either case, we feel that God is the best of who you are and is what you can share with others. When you trust God, you're trusting the better part of yourself and trusting the better parts of other people. You know that you're on the right track, you're doing God's work. If neither of these distinctions works for you, just ignore them and move on. The concept of God is not required for coaching, but it is a wonderful option.


grant vs permit

As a coach, you want your client to grant power to you as their coach and advisor rather than just permitting you to do your technical work. You aren't asking for your client to hand over their life to you so you can do something with them, but you're asking for a bit more room than just permission. You want them to grant power to you and to the relationship so that together you can accomplish far more than they would accomplish on their own, and this level of growth and accomplishment won't occur if the client just gives you permission to do your thing. They need to grant you a bit more. You get the client to grant you power by asking for it. You say, "You know, Joan, I'm going to need some more room, I'm going to need you to trust me a bit more and to grant me some of the things you're holding on to so that we can accomplish our work together more easily."


gratification vs medication

One experiences gratification when they get what they want. One experiences medication when one douses oneself with some substance or behavior that gives them a false sense that they got what they wanted. As a coach, you want your clients to set goals that will help them be happier and gratified about what they've got rather than encouraging them to get a false sense of that by either medicating with drugs or alcohol or a behavior that gives them a similar sense of a high. Gratification is healthy; medication simply suppresses the pain.


gratitude vs appreciation

Both are good, but appreciation is generally what you do when someone does something nice to you, so it's specific to the event, it's casual and it's fairly polite. Gratitude, though, is a place to come from that you do feel and sense all that you have and are, and are continually and repetitively grateful for what you have. It's that level of appreciation for everything, vs. specific things, that often helps a person be more attractive to what they most want. To move from appreciative or  even resentful to grateful takes about a year, because when you're grateful, you're giving up and not requiring anything else in your life for you to be whole and complete and happy. And until the ego is handled, that kind of thinking might appear helpless or weak.


healed vs healing

At some point a person declares themselves healed even if emotional scar tissue or ups and downs remain. Some people enjoy the drama of “forever healing.” At some point during coaching, Molly realized how much she enjoyed her Accountability Deferment Tactics of continuously healing but never being healed. She then got the exact help she needed and took all the actions required to complete the healing process.


hear vs listen

Listen refers to the practice of auditorily perceiving what the person is saying. Yet to hear means that you're hearing what they're saying and what's behind what they're saying, and you're listening for who the person is. Hearing is more comprehensive than simply listening.


high quality of life (HQL) vs total quality management (TQM)

HQL is the human version of TQM. A lot of companies have a much higher HQL for the company than for the staff because most companies have adopted the TQM model. As a coach, you want the employee of a company to have as much HQL as the company has TQM. HQL would include things like happiness, productivity, ability to create, empowerment, high standards, problem-free zone, trust, or no fear in the working environment. TQM refers more to the quality of the job being performed rather than the quality of the person performing the task.


high standard vs low/average standard

Standards are those behaviors to which you willing choose to hold yourself to. Life gets richer and easier as one raises their standards even if it means potential or real loss of love, opportunity, or expediency. It takes faith to raise standards. Lisa’s life was progressing very slowly because she kept her standards lower than her soul required.


hit bottom vs hurting

When you hit bottom, you bounce up dramatically; a visible shift has been made. Many people who are experiencing pain think they’re hitting bottom but instead are simply hurting. When the pain gets great enough, the person hits bottom. Joe kept medicating his hurt rather than free-falling, hitting bottom, and bouncing up.


honoring vs defending

One honors oneself with boundaries and standards that are so extensive that they rarely need defending. Defending occurs when you let yourself become at risk.


immediate response vs buffered reaction

A person who is present can respond immediately to what’s occurring between them and another person and them and the physical universe. People who have damage or inadequate foundations react very slowly to changing conditions and thus get hurt because they were numb to the threat, the boundary violation or the opportunity. With coaching Bill was much more present, responded immediately to things, maintained no inventory of non-communicated items and felt freer.


inclusive vs exclusive

A step beyond "going with the flow," being inclusive means that you include (honor, make self right for, make God right for, enjoy) all parts of yourself, even parts you heretofore couldn't stand. If you are overly sensitive and react to people, good for you. Include that part of you. And, you'll need to be responsible for that "gift" rather than be at the effect of it (i.e., having much more extensive boundaries to protect yourself from people who upset you). To be exclusive means that you try to get rid of, control, deny or powerfully interpret that which you don't think you should have. This requires a lot of energy. Being exclusive doesn't work.


inertia vs jammed

Inertia means there is no motion; the laws of physics tell us that things at rest tend to stay at rest. But the laws of physics also tell us that by putting some energy into moving the object, whether it's a car or your life, it will begin to move, gain momentum and will eventually continue to go with less effort than was initially required. This is how we overcome inertia. Blocked or jammed means there is some other psychological stop to the person's progress, and things must be figured out before energy can be used to initiate movement again. So when it's a block or stop, you've got to find out what's in the way. Inertia can be solved simply by taking action; there's no psychological discussion needed.


influence vs control

We control others or situations because we're afraid of what might happen if we don't. We influence others by being a model for others, not by forcing them to do things our way or to look at life our way. As coaches we'll never be able to control our client's behavior or the client relationship, but we can influence it via our requests, the nature of our conversation with our clients, and how well we walk our talk. If you're advising a client out of fear for them or fear for yourself, you're attempting to control. If you're creating with that client what they most want, you're most likely influencing.


inform vs promote

You want to help your clients to inform customers and potential customers of what they're selling vs encouraging them to take a promotive stance to sell or seduce people into purchasing or having an interest in their product or service. Given people are more aware of the truth these days, people are both more suspicious and less interested in puffery, overpromising and seductive promotive techniques. They want the truth, they want the facts, and then they'll buy.


initiate vs respond

Some of us are trained to respond to opportunities or to respond to ideas, and we often wait for some trigger or catalyst to move us into action or creativity. Obviously as a coach you want to help your clients initiate action on their own ideas, goals, wants and commitments rather than being inspired necessarily by someone else or having to have some reason to initiate. It can take anywhere from two to three years of working to help the client realize that their intuition and their inklings are what are worth acting on, even without evidence to prove that it's worthwhile. As a person begins to respond, in a sense, to their inklings (and we'll call this initiating vs responding to external prompts) a person trusts themselves more and their self-esteem increases because they're less reliant on others and are more self-generative.


initiating vs following

At some point a person begins to listen fully to themselves and builds a life, right or wrong, that is an expression of who they are. The notion of following -- as in a guru, cult or restrictive program -- is a pre-90’s lifestyle. Marlene thought she was initiating, and she was, but only as a follower. With coaching she began to think and act for herself, uninfluenced or controlled by outside powers.


inkling vs evidence

An inkling is a sense of truth as yet unvalidated by other sources. Evidence is provable by the physical universe. Tip: Get your client to respond more quickly to their inklings (even if wrong) rather than wait for the overwhelming evidence of what they should do. Laura didn’t feel safe enough to trust in inklings so she waited for enough evidence before she made a decision thus missing out on opportunities that only come from trusting yourself.


inklings vs intuition

Inklings are the feelings you barely perceive prior to sensing your intuition or recognizing evidence. As a coach, your job is to act on or at least share your inklings with your client even before you can prove your point, even before the feeling is so powerful you must speak. Remember, your clients are hiring you for your intuition, your logic, your experience and your endorsement and support, but they'll often benefit the most from those things that you barely have the courage to share, things that you're sensing or feeling but are somewhat undeveloped. You can find ways to share your inklings without having to prove that they're real or that you're certain about them.


integrated vs compartmentalized

Integrated means that all parts of the persons life work together in concert, resulting in an effortless, fulfilled, and enjoyable life. Work becomes play. Relationships become community. The present becomes perfect. Integration is possible when one eliminates those people, places or things that no longer fit in their value system. A compartmentalized client is one who must keep personal and business life separate. They are often addicts or compulsive people. For someone who is compartmentalized, life is like a maze with continual dead ends that force them to use immense effort to jump over the walls. There is no flow. Tip: Blast out the walls of the maze and you’ll come up with an integrated life.


interdevelopmental vs interdependent

The coaching relationship is best when it's interdevelopmental. In other words, the two parties develop each other because they choose to vs the client leaning or relying on the coach as if they needed to. It's still fair for the coach to get paid because of the coach's additional expertise or technique, yet the client's responsibility is to add to the coach's development so that the coach can do an even better job.


internal desire vs external prompting

As a part of adulthood a person surrenders to their desires and values and builds a life based on these rather than reacting to external promptings from institutions, the past, perceived consequences or the future. Note: This is one of the 7 fundamental shifts a person needs to make.


internal shift vs linear change

Change is what happens externally and is the outside measure. A shift is who you’ve become rather than what you’ve reacted to. A shift is permanent. A change is often temporary or circumstantial. When a person shifts, they reorient around who they’ve become. When a person changes, they reorient around an external stimuli. 


intuition vs instinct

Intuition refers to one’s ability to accurately process stimuli from the heart and soul. Instinct is a primal, survival reaction. Steven relied on his instinct to get out of dangerous situations. With coaching he never let himself get that threatened so he could enjoy his intuition rather than waiting for his instinct to kick in and save him. Note: Instinct is essential for human survival and often gives an adrenaline rush. Intuition is a richer experience of one’s self.


jammed vs overwhelmed

Neither of these is a good term. Jammed indicates there is either a missing piece or a halt that is fixable quickly. Overwhelmed means the client has too much going on and some dismantling is required. It's usually best to look for what the jam is rather than dismantling everything and assuming that it's overwhelming. Often when a person is jammed, all they need to hear is the truth or a distinction -- something to help them quickly see what the source of the problem is, be able to resolve it and move on. When one is overwhelmed, though, it takes a lot more time and effort because they must prioritize and let go of certain projects in order to be in control again rather than being controlled by their circumstances.


language vs semantics

Semantics refers to the different ways to interpret words and is often used as a manipulative tool. Precise language helps people relate and communicate better because of it's exacting nature. Some people that don't want to hear the truth will attempt to label the coach as someone who is paying too much attention to semantics, when in fact it's paying attention to the subtlety of language that makes us richer.


lead vs manage

To lead is to cause something new, set direction, and articulate what matters. To manage means to control, protect, marshall or coordinate what one already has. As a coach we want to be leaders more than managers for our clientele. We want them to manage themselves so we can help them set new direction and reprioritize.


legacy vs contribution

Legacy has a longer shelf-life than contribution. A contribution may be well appreciated during a time of difficulty, but a legacy has the energy to last 5, 10, 20 or 500 years, perhaps even eternity. As coaches we're certainly contributing to our clients, but certain coaches, master-level coaches, are weaving a legacy of not just helping individual clients, but showing what's possible for all humanity. In this way they are leaving a legacy rather than just a contribution.


legacy vs gift

Legacy is a gift that keeps on giving without the giver needing to be present (e.g., art).


life design vs life plan

Coaches are always helping their clients design a better life, and sometimes they help the client make a life plan. Life designing focuses primarily on the present to make it the highest quality of life possible. In life designing, the coach would help the client pull in the relationships, the personal goals, career goals, communication skills, professional skills, relationship with themselves, and personal foundation into the design process. These items are called design elements of life. A life plan, on the other hand, is a collection of goals that are organized in a linear fashion to be accomplished over the next 10 or 20 years. Both are useful, but generally a person's quality of life is richer when the life design process is used vs the life planning process.


live vs life

Live is an action word of how you experience life; life is what you call what you've lived. Obviously we want our clients to focus on living, not on life.


living vs managing

This refers to the notion of HQL: High Quality Life. You want your clients to start living very, very well, not just managing or getting by. At the Adult Level, a person can make the choice to start living his/her life vs repeating the past or living someone else's. love vs neediness These two are collapsed quite often. People that are weak foundations turn to each other, call it love, but are sucking each other dry because they have yet to develop their foundation. Love generally occurs without effort, without commitment, almost without declaration, and without need. It's hard to love someone that needs you because there's a dynamic there that almost precludes love, or gets in the way of one's natural love being expressed and enjoyed. Love is a gift; a need is a need. It's either one or the other.


manage vs control

A person manages actions and/or resources. When you control, you’re trying to control the person -- not the action or resource. Sarah managed every action within the production process in order to get the high quality product.


master vs expert

The master invents the next level. The expert does something well routinely.


mastery vs competence

When you're a master you're both competent and creative, you have mastered what is known in a subject and you've most likely created new rules or a new body of knowledge. When you're competent you can do the task repetitively with few errors, as in being a competent physician. As coaches we want you to be competent and masters in your profession so that you're dancing and making up new technologies that are required for your clients' success while you're coaching rather than just waiting to learn them from Coach U. A master can synthesize; someone who's competent can only consistently replicate.


material vs important

An event is material if it builds or seriously threatens you. It is merely important if it only affects you. It is valuable to respond to and focus on only the material things in life, even if they are very small. There are many things that are important to your client, but few things that are material, and it takes a strong coach and a willing client to drop the things that are important and focus only on those things that are material. It's the things that are material that create a future. Things that are important are often generated by circumstance. Bob kept so busy focusing on the important things that he couldn't distinguish what was material. He missed opportunities and joy and was surprised unnecessarily by how much he had missed in life.


message vs cliche 

A message is a new, simple, fresh Truth that motivates naturally, because the speaker feels it and/or is a walking example of it. A cliche is a universal saying that may help but isn't necessarily personal to that individual's current needs. A message is always tailored to the person being shared with; a cliche is shared "as is," not customized to the exact situation. A cliche comes from memory; a message comes from the soul.


model vs description

A model is a graphic representation of a point you're attempting to make and shows the relationship of information as well as the action or dynamic taking place. A description is a language-based, two-dimensional, written version of what the model could more easily communicate. A picture is worth a thousand words, and so is a model. As a coach, you would use analogies, metaphors, similes, drawings, etc. as a way to illustrate your point more clearly and succinctly.


money reserve vs getting by

One can't really be an adult without a financial reserve. Why? Because being an adult means that you create easily, have what you need and can be hit by problems and still remain fully responsible for your life. Money is the oil that makes all of this possible. Having a reserve of oil (money) gives you the room, space and freedom you need to move beyond the adult level. Do whatever it takes, but do it to get more than enough money.


motivate vs cattle prod

The best way to motivate someone is to tap in and help them self-generate and articulate what they most want. To cattle prod someone means they won't take action unless you're there to motivate them in the traditional sense. As coaches we're more motivators than cattle prods, and eventually, our motivation skills aren't required because our client's reach critical mass and become self-generating and use us for better purposes. Few coaches are motivational speakers because motivation generally is a temporary cattle prod.


need vs want

Something that you need is a requirement, but many of us treat our needs as our wants and make them optional. If you have a need for appreciation, or a need for touch or a need to be heard and you don't take that seriously and get all that you need, you're treating it more as an option or a want, and that missing need will consume much or your time. When the need is met, you'll find that the wants naturally diminish. So instead of focusing on what you want, establish what you need and you'll have more time as a result.


oneness vs separateness

When you "get" that we are all one, there ceases to be the division of you vs me.


overdeliver vs underpromise

Part of having a Reserve is delivering more than you said you would and more than the other person was expecting. 


owner vs user

When a person starts becoming responsible for the gifts, money, friends and life that they have, they begin to own these things because they stop assuming these things will be around forever and begin to feel somewhat protective of the important things in their life. They realize that, given the law of entropy that things will eventually wind down or burn out, they must invest in their life. A user is someone that has been given things but doesn't appreciate them, is not a good steward of them and isn't worried about using them up. Compare an owner of a house to a renter: each will generally take a different level of care of the property. You want your clients to have ownership in the coaching relationship so that they don't just use you as a coach but rather create what they want with your help. You're one of the investments they're making in their life.


pain vs suffering

Someone once said that pain is inevitable whereas suffering is optional. Suffering is what we do to get energy and to prolong the pain. One can experience pain and not suffer. Eventually one does not even want to experience pain. But if they're in pain, they can do things to stop the suffering portion of it.


passion vs adrenaline

Adrenaline is a drug released into your body by your adrenal gland. Traditionally, adrenaline was released when a person was in danger, and this rush of energy gave the person additional powers and increased their perceptive ability in order to save themselves. Currently, adrenaline is used somewhat as caffeine is used: to keep the person alive during the day and at peak performance. This may work, but it works at a cost to the person's immune system, because the adrenal gland is a place in which the immune system needs to be operating well in order to protect itself. Passion is a sustainable, healthy high because you're connected with someone else, yourself, with God, or with a project, and it's an emotional connection rather than a physical high. Joan, formerly an adrenaline addict, had to kick the habit entirely in order to experience the passion and bliss she knew was available. Example: When you're meeting a deadline and you're thrilled that you met the deadline, you're probably experiencing adrenaline. When you enjoy so much what you're doing regardless of the deadline, you're probably experiencing passion. Tip: You'll need to have your client eliminate adrenaline by getting their needs met, underpromising and developing a strong foundation before they'll likely be able to experience a healthy passion. Still, clients will often confuse adrenaline and passion.


path vs circle

A path goes in a straight or forward direction into new territory requiring new skills. Going in circles implies that the client is getting better but only in familiar territory, and breakthrough results are therefore impossible. Bill let his clients lead him around in a circle like a horse in an area rather than opening the gate himself and forcing them to walk out.


patient vs passive

Timing is important in coaching and the coach sometimes needs to bide their time, as in having patience. Being passive, however, comes from fear or complacency neither of which a client is paying for. Be patient, but don’t be passive. At least ask for what you want the client to do, but be patient if they can’t deliver immediately. Do not decide that the client can’t do something; that’s playing God.


peace vs background noise

Peace is the absence of anxiety, whether consciously sensed or not. Background noise refers to the often imperceptible, though nonetheless distracting, hum of worry, fear or unmet needs. We often don't even notice background noise until its source is resolved and it is turned off. It's similar to the marked silence that results when the air conditioner is turned off. Peace (this silence) is often threatening to the mind, or is at least a new experience, especially to clients who are adrenalined. It takes time, coaching and effort to eliminate all forms and degrees of this background noise. When it's gone, the person can hear and be themselves.


peace vs boredom

Boredom is the gateway to peace and often must be experienced before a person has slowed down enough to feel peace. Many clients will resist peace because they're unwilling to be bored. People are often afraid of being bored because it often means that the parts of themselves that they've been ignoring are now a part of their immediate surroundings, and this may be too overwhelming for them to experience.


peg vs label

To peg is to note where the person is along their path of development. To label, while useful, tends to put the person in a box because you’re characterizing who they are vs where they’re at. "Joan is a codependent" is a label. "Joan has about 6 more months before she completes her codependency" is a peg.


perspective vs fully informed

When one has perspective, life itself is obvious and natural, and the surprises, even the goals that occur have a place to hang. In other words, the tree is large enough and has enough branches that things that come out of the blue have a place to sit. If a person is fully informed, what they have is all the information available and experience available from which to form additional views. But this is information based, and change generally requires a reinterpretation of information, or the gaining of perspective. When one has perspective, one can dance with new information without having to process it. Kevin was fully informed but didn't have a broad enough perspective to absorb new information quickly and act on it to his own advantage. Benefit: With perspective you have confidence and power. By being fully informed what you have is lots of information which can be used but not used fully.


perspective vs knowledge

Perspective equals knowledge + experience + independence + forward thinking. You can’t have perspective unless you can see the future and not forget the past. Knowledge is a snapshot of what was; perspective is a river of what was, what is, and what will be.


perspective vs limited sight

One of the great things that a coach offers is continuously updated perspective. Clients (as is normal) usually can only see a limited distance because they are busy living, not looking at, their lives.


pleasure vs compulsion

Both make you feel good but pleasure has no consequence or emotional or energy cost. A compulsion brings you back or below where you started. Sandy kept doing what he wanted and couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t sustainable.


pleasuring vs medicating

Pleasure is healthy, good for you, easy, natural, sustainable and integrated in with your day. To medicate means that you’re doing things which give you an extreme high, zone you out, or help you escape from reality. If you have incompletions or a weak foundation or things aren’t going well and you’re having a great time, you’re probably medicating vs having clean pleasure. The coach's job is to discern which the client is doing. Jeff kept saying how great things were and how much fun he was having playing golf, but meanwhile his green fees check bounced. There can’t be pleasure in the golf if there’s no money in the bank. Golf for Jeff is an escape which he thinks is pleasure.


power vs control

When one has power, they don't need control.


power vs rush

True power is a strength which is usually quiet in nature -- no sabre rattling. A rush comes from adrenaline which only gives the feeling of power.


practice vs service

Your practice describes your clients. It’s the “who” they are. Service describes what you do for the client. It’s the “what” you do. One is being, the other is doing.


preference vs need 

When one's needs are met, one can afford preference. But until this is the case, one can't afford preference because needs come first. Preference is kind of the luxury. When one's needs are met, one can be naturally more flexible with others, the world, their associates and their family because their needs are met and they have nothing to lose. At this point, one doesn't compromise even if they don't get all that they want, but they are in a situation to exercise preference.


problem-free vs crisis-oriented

Yes, it's possible to stop having problems come into your life. It's hard, though, to make this shift if you get your energy from the drama of handling crises. This is one of the 7 Shifts to make.


problems vs challenges

You might think this one is reversed, but it's not. If it's a problem, it needs to be labeled as a problem. There are very few challenges. Most things are either problems or they're not, and it's important to tell the truth about this vs putting a positive spin on the situation by calling it a challenge. If it's a problem, it can be solved; if it's a challenge, it will most likely linger longer if it's labeled that way.


productive vs efficient

Productive means desired results are being produced more quickly with less cost. Efficiency means the task is getting done well. The problem is that one can be very efficient and still be very unproductive. Someone who files things perfectly and quickly is very efficient, but perhaps productivity doesn’t require having any files at all.


profit vs revenue

Profit is what you're left with to further invest, to spend on yourself or to save for the future. Revenue is the total amount of cash that you bring in for your company prior to deducting anything which would result in your profit. Some of your clients, particularly entrepreneurs, may be growth-, revenue- and income-driven, whereas you want them to be more profit-driven, even if it means having a smaller firm. Without profit, a company cannot continue, and is therefore more important than revenue.


protection vs buffer

Protection is a choice; buffer is an emotional reaction. A person buffers themselves from pain, from others, from problems, from reality -- kind of like a thick gauze around them. When something hits them, they don't feel it as much because of their buffer. Protection, on the other hand, is a conscious choice to shield oneself from the dangers of life without blinding oneself or becoming numb. Protection is like a boundary that you can establish to be much more extensive than required so that people don't even come near enough to you to hurt you. When you buffer, you almost wait for them to be on your doorstep, and you're protected with your shields and guards. By then it's almost too late, because at that point they've probably already begun to damage you.


purpose vs project/proving

A purpose is a reason you are here; it's who-based, who you are. A project is what you do which may or may not be your purpose. Proving means you're using a project to prove your purpose. What would your purpose be if you couldn't use a project to prove it?


ready vs able

When one is ready, they have all that they need to be able to accomplish what they want. When one is able, one is simply ready to get ready. When working with a client that is able but not ready, take additional time to invest in that client's resources and strengths and prepare them rather than assuming that just because they're able they'll be able to accomplish. Bill was able to be successful because he knew what he wanted; it was a good time in his life and nothing was in the way. But he hadn't progressed enough emotionally to actually be ready to handle success, he was only able to start it.


ready vs not ready

Clients need to be ready, willing and able in order for coaching to work effectively. Often we're one or two of those, but not all three. You'll know a client is ready when they are naturally moving forward with the advice that you give them and come back to you each week having accomplished more than you expected. Someone is not ready when they are resisting, when they are questioning or when they come back with excuses not results; they're just not ready. What you can do is ask them to become ready and be more willing and able to apply themselves to accomplish what they say they want.


reality vs denial

Reality is the current situation, what is true even if it’s not what you want, is threatening or bad for you. Denial is what we do when we can’t make ourselves right or God right for what’s happening. Denial is an escape for those who aren’t ready to experience the truth. Paul needed denial until he saw that he could create his own reality based on truth. Note: Reality, once embraced, helps life become easier. Denial requires energy and investment to maintain a resistant status quo.


refer to vs compare

Refer to means to be aware of another’s actions and accomplishments as a model or source of information. Compare means that you’re comparing who you are against someone else so that there is a better or worse. There’s useful information when you refer to someone. There’s a threat to ego when you compare yourself with someone. Peter kept comparing himself with Jay and he never measured up.


relationship vs result

At the Attraction Level, people and your relationships with them become more interesting, important and rewarding than mere results. To attain this level one must make one of the 7 Human Shifts: from What-based to Who-based. If results are more important than people, something is being missed. And, yes, one can have both, but, fundamentally, people are more important. (And it's okay to fire someone who isn't up to the task.) This is a come-from that coaches must have, otherwise they'll push their clients for results at the expense of the necessary trust and growth that only occurs when the relationship is held as top priority.


reserve vs abundance

Abundance is a term that New Agers tend to use to imply that the universe has plenty of everything. Reserve is a stronger word because it means the client has taken from the abundance of the world and put it in their savings account so that they can rely less on the universe for success and more on the reserve that they have created. Sherry kept speaking about abundance in the universe and that she was well connected to receive all the universe had to give, but meanwhile her savings account had ten dollars in it. Tip: As a coach, ask the person to get tangible abundance in their savings account rather than letting them hide behind the convenient concept of universal abundance.


reserve vs just enough

Self-explanatory. Either you have more than enough (reserve) or you don't have enough (just enough). There are these two ways to live; choose the way you prefer.


reserve vs more

More means you're getting additional substances or resources, but there's not necessarily an end in sight because you're on an endless quest to get more. When you're at a reserve, there's a fixed point that you've decided is enough, and it's that freedom you get from deciding it's enough that makes it a reserve. So clients who attempt to get more should be requested to set how much more they need, get that, and then drop the subject for a while. Otherwise, one is on a continual quest to get more, and it's never enough.


resolve vs work on

Clients who come to you to work on things generally have a vested interest in those things staying around or in creating a new version of all their past problems. Instead, you want a client to permanently and fully resolve what it is they're attempting to work on rather than continually grow in circles. You want to give them a path and have them finish what it is they think would take them a long time to work on. People should hire a coach to finish things quickly rather than to stretch out the process, and if the client's unwilling to do that, this distinction needs to be addressed.


respond vs react

One responds with their soul. One reacts with their mind. One responds when there is no threat or at the earliest stages of threat. One reacts when it’s “too late.” Karen thought she was responding but instead was reacting because she waited too long to respond. Note: You know it’s a response if you have plenty of time to make changes, to correct something, to protect yourself, or to create something. If it’s instinctive, it’s a reaction, likely based on some threat.


response vs anticipatory action

A response is a healthy reaction to only what’s occurring in the moment. Anticipatory action is where one overreacts to the moment, preassumes the worst outcome and makes radical decisions based on that. Lynn makes people wrong before they have a chance to make her wrong.


response vs reaction

One reacts out of fear or out of threat; to react is almost an instinctual response. Response is more of an adaptation to what's occurring, but it's not prompted by threat or potential loss. As a coach you want to respond to what your client says rather than react to what they're saying. People react from the ego; people respond from the heart.


restore vs recover

Recover means that you get back what you had, or something close to it, as in recovering one's sobriety if they're addicted. To restore goes a step further, because you both get back what you had, so you do recover, but you also burnish up and polish up just as you would restore a piece of furniture to be perhaps even nicer than it was when it first was built. This restorative process takes place in the Personal Foundation program.


rigor vs stress

Rigor involves commitment, effort, action and being causal, but not to the extent that the goal or task consumes the person or diminishes their quality of life. Stress occurs from too much rigor or attempting to accomplish something without adequate resources, space or reserve. Stress also results from lack of integrity, balance or responsibility. Rigor is a choice; stress is a reaction.


self vs ego

One's self is the best of who they are and it includes one's ego. Ego is the animal, survival-oriented, consequence-avoidance, fear-based aspect of ourselves that we had to develop just to get through childhood. Ego is like the hard candy shell of the M & M over the soft chewy middle. Many of us think we need ego in order to protect ourselves, which is not true. Nothing is wrong with being a chocolatey gooey mess without the shell. One can more quickly become their self by telling the truth, getting language, strengthening their foundation, getting a reserve and going buff. As they do this, their ego or their animal side will need less, because they're no longer at risk. When one is at risk, the ego is at risk. So if you reduce the risk, the ego is basically out of a job, and the self can come forward.


self-generate vs self-motivate

When you’re in touch with yourself and you know what you want, you generate enough energy to continue to move. When your goals are in conflict with your needs or your values, you reach for external sources of motivation which include self-talk, affirmations, tight structures, deadlines and consequences.


self-trust vs self-control

We want our clients to discover and strengthen the parts of themselves that they can rely on all of the time instead of trying to stop themselves from certain behaviors. Willpower is a character defect in our view. Better to strengthen oneself than attempt to control oneself.


selfishness vs egoness

Also known as selfullness, selfishness is the action of investing in one’s soul, spirit, needs, personal foundation, life. Egoness (also known as egocentricity) is the process where one takes from others (time, money, space) in attempt to fill oneself up, yet that self has too many cracks so what they take leaks out. When Suzy “got” that selfishness was good, she stopped being an ego monster. Note: To move from egoness to selfishness requires building a strong personal foundation.


serve vs please

To serve is to do what you feel is professionally best for the client, and you include what they want in your decision. To please is to either be a chameleon and to both become who the client needs and do it their way, or to be codependent and begin to live for the client and the client’s success. If you find yourself catering, tolerating, feeling funny or off about the client, or having the client run you around in circles as you’re trying to coach, you’re not serving, you’re pleasing. Having a strong opinion, a plan of action that you’ve agreed to and a mutual respect for differences strengthens the coaching relationship.


sobriety vs abstinence

One is sober when they’re not acting out in any way. One is abstinent when they’re not acting out in their known addiction. One can be abstinent and be the dry drunk. Roger had stopped drinking but found other more acceptable ways to medicate, so he never enjoyed sobriety.


solution vs answer

An answer is a response that handles what's apparently the problem. A solution does that, but goes one step further to stop the problem from occurring again. As coaches, give your answers but, more importantly, work with your clients to create permanent solutions.


specific language vs generalizations

You want to help your clients be specific in what they say rather than generalize their feelings, their results, their accomplishments, their values or their needs. If you hear something like, "Oh, well it's just this," or "It's just that," the client is probably diminishing or trivializing what they really feel, or else they're missing language to express it. As a coach you want to help clients get more language so they can express specifically what they want, what they're feeling and what they're sensing. Without this language, you allow them to get away with kind of passing over things as they've probably done in the past.


steer clear vs avoid

We avoid things we don't want to face or feel because we're afraid of the consequences. This often stops us from embarking on roads that we should be taking. Yet we can steer clear of situations that would not be good for us, and that would probably not be avoidance. Avoidance is fear based; steering clear is choice based. We, as human beings, have a right to steer clear of people and situations that will make us feel bad or hurt us. We needn't jump into everything because we're afraid of avoiding something. Just like you can walk away from someone who wants to pick a fight. You're not avoiding the fight; you're simply steering clear of someone who has less to lose than you do.


strength vs power

Power used to be a popular buzz word, but is now being replaced by strengths. Power generally means you have power over something: over yourself, over another, over circumstances. With strength, there is no competition or need to have power over something because you're so naturally strong, there is no threat. As coaches, we work to strengthen our clients more than empower them, because if they're strong, they're naturally empowered without empowerment being the focus.


structure vs a maze

We all need structure, but many of us have set up our systems in particular ways. As a coach, you want to help your client establish a foundation above the distractions or diversions or less than healthy activities of life rather than help them create some sort of protective or directional maze in the midst of the problems or potential diversions. So again, structure raises a person above it all and may have a perimeter guard so the person doesn't fall off this new high platform, rather than it being tremendous amounts of walls, bars, props or situations that force a person to be or do in a particular way. In English, structures are simple and easy and almost transparent whereas a maze would be generally protective but would also be restrictive. Ultimately, you want the client to move beyond having structure because their foundation is so strong.


surrender vs accept

Acceptance is good. It means you have included the truth in your life even if you don't like it or what it might mean towards the future. It means you're no longer resisting. Surrender means that you've both accepted the truth and you've endorsed it, and that's the distinction. Someone who has surrendered has made God right. It doesn't mean they've succumbed to be the effect of truth forever, but it means they understand that the world is perfect just as it is, and they've made God right rather than just accepted it, but still haven't done much to fully include the truth. Leslie was big on accepting all that happened to her, good and bad, but it was a fairly passive gesture. Instead, she should "get" what the truth is and reorient her life around that rather than just accepting it. Tip: When coaching a client to surrender vs just accept, ask them to prove that they've accepted something (i.e., surrendered) rather than it just being a mental exercise of acceptance. Ask for evidence.


sustainable vs maintained

Don't you want your clients to have a sustainably successful life? One that requires virtually no maintenance, similar to the automatic sprinkling system in your garden? Think of the newer "maintenance free" batteries -- never a need to "add water." Is this possible for human beings ? Yes. And it comes from a super strong Personal Foundation, ending the neediness or ego, both of which need constant maintenance. Life is designed to be spent enjoying oneself, not constantly doing one's emotional laundry.


synthesize vs process

Process means that when you hear something or see that a change is needed, you'll take it into your head and compare it to what you already know. In that filtering process, often the urgency to act will be diminished because it will have been filtered and used up. Some people simply need to process everything that occurs to them, but they lose the value of what occurred to them in the first place in doing so. Rather, we want our clients to synthesize, that is, take what they know, add to it what they've just learned, and create something new out of that immediately. Synthesizing is a creative process that adds to the richness and strength of a person's life. Processing generally protects the person from new information because it acts as a filter, and often the benefit and the truth are lost in the process.


tells the truth vs lies/doesn’t know

People always know what the truth is but are often unwilling to tell it because they think they must take action on it. There is tremendous freedom in just telling the truth even if it changes 2 minutes later. Telling the truth is a skill that requires a safe place to practice in. Anything else is feigned ignorance, impression management, an overstatement, a misrepresentation, or a hope. Scott used to tell you what he thought you wanted to hear, but with coaching he now enjoys telling the truth even if it changes. Note: Telling the truth allows you to enjoy reality. You can change reality only when the truth is told.


three-dimensional vs linear

You'll hear this comparison quite a bit in coaching. Linear coaches are often consultants that deal with information and step-by-step approaches to solving problems or creating opportunities. A coach does that and adds one more element, and that third-dimensional element is who the person is, not just what they're doing or what they want. It's the who, the personal side, that makes coaching three-dimensional rather than linear, like consultancy. The who would include value standards, personal foundation, legacy, true desires, and so on.


training vs teaching

Teaching means you're presenting information which needs to be memorized and gotten. Training means you both do that and you expect a person to be able to perform tasks or language properly because you've been with them in their process to do something with what they've learned rather than just know it. In the CMC program, Coach U's job is to train coaches, not just teach coaches.


trigger removal vs trigger management

Humans are triggered by threats, perceived threats, perceived consequences, reality, unmet needs, people’s egos, and other things. The trick is to eliminate those triggers by insulating, cleaning up your environment, establishing strong boundaries, removing the pressure from overpromises, and driving the speed limit. This requires change vs being an expert at managing those triggers, which takes too much work.


true values vs past/morals

Values are those qualities, interests or aspects of life which have continuously drawn or attracted you since childhood. Values are "who you are." Until one distinguishes values from past problems or accomplishments, from morals or shoulds and from unmet needs, the persons values will seem to keep changing and never gel. Usually, one needs a strong Personal Foundation prior to being able to "see" and feel his/her true values, although looking at the activities in which you were involved as a child will often give some indication as to what these values are today.


truth vs accuracy

Truth is a skill; accuracy is a measure. The truth can change and still be the truth. Accuracy is accuracy. Something can be true and inaccurate, and something can be accurate and not true. Truth is better than accuracy, although accuracy contributes to telling the truth. Marian was big on being accurate and honest so much so that she never learned how to speak the truth from her heart. Note: The higher the personal foundation score is, the more apparent and reliable the truth becomes.


truth vs evidence

Evidence is what one can create that may not be truthful. In other words you can prove your point that someone's not doing a good job or someone's being mean to you or you deserve more. You can build evidence, as we all do, to prove a point, particularly when it's ego-driven. Truth, though, doesn't require any building or interpretation. It's just the way that it is and it's fairly immune to and uncaring about consequence or proof. Truth is three-dimensional; evidence is two-dimensional.


turnaround vs incremental

Coaches strive for complete client shifts and turnarounds: from unhappiness to happiness, from being broke to being rich, from being alone to being in a good community, from failure to success. Clients tend to want to make incremental changes towards something, which is not bad, but it may take several lifetimes to achieve the desired end. Coach Steve realized he could make huge requests of his clients to promote 180-degree turnarounds vs making the nice but weaker requests for progress.


underarticulate vs lie

A lie is a falsehood. When someone lies, they pretty much know they're saying something that is not true or attempting to misrepresent. When someone underarticulates it means they don't have the language or the awareness or the presence to say what they most want to say in the way which is true for them. They'll say something similar, but may be misunderstood because of their lacking skills and understanding. As a coach, we give our client's additional language so they can fully articulate vs underarticulate.


underpromise vs overpromise

When one underpromises it means they are promising to do less than they know they can do just because it's a good habit and they get a sense of relief or reserve or comfort from the reserve they have to overdeliver rather than underdeliver. Many people get energy and adrenaline rushes by just squeaking by the deadline, by being late, or by only delivering 98% of what they said they would. It's this friction that is unhealthy, yet it is how many of us deliver results. It will take a number of conversations to have a client shift to underpromise consistently in all areas of life -- business, personal, financial. But it is one of the greatest gifts you can give a client. Again, you want them to underpromise what they know they can do. So if they know it will take three weeks to finish something, they should promise to deliver in five or six weeks. Often people overpromise because they want approval or their afraid of losing the job, and as such put themselves under undue stress.


understate vs exaggerate

To understate is to present yourself and your accomplishments with grace, but not undue humility. To exaggerate is an attempt to prove that you are or have more than is probably so. William created problems for himself when he overstated the truth and then attempted to maintain the front of success. With coaching, he came to see that understating gave him a reserve of performance. People began to trust him more.


values vs morals

Morals are based in right and wrong, whereas values are based on choice, spirituality and who the person is vs what they're doing. Morals have helped us civilize humanity, but now human beings can trust that they're basically good and can rely more on their values.


views vs opinions

Opinions are thoughts about something or someone based on how you feel or what you consider to be important or proper. A view is a coordinated collection of opinions usually about larger issues or aspects of life. Sarah had a strong opinion about what she wanted out of life but was missing the larger views on life that would help her form sharper opinions. Tip: Help the client establish their broader views about life which include the past and the future. It helps them get some insight as to what is likely to occur in the future which gives them perspective for today.


wanting for vs nagging

The notion of "wanting for" means that you can desire results and a higher-quality life for another, yet not need it for them (or for your own ego). It's within our rights has human beings to want a lot for others, and the job of the coach is often to want even more for the client than the clients wants for themselves. Nagging is when your wanting for turns into a power trip, being right or needing for something. It's fine to need for things, just don't call it a want for.


who vs what

Coaching focuses on the who and the what. The who refers to the client’s values, inner most wants, and the complete self. The what refers to linear goals, shoulds and needs. The consultant works primarily on the what, and so can the coach, but only if the coach comes from the who first. 

copyright 2002 by no duplication.