Defining Success MicroModule

Host Training Session Hosts: Defining Success
January 11, 2002 - 2:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader

The RealAudio of this session is here.

TJL: Hi; welcome to the call; this is a discussion group of the study group hosts. Our topic today is defining success, one of the first modules we've come up with to do with the attendees of your study group. I'll be speaking for about 5 minutes to give you some background, and then I'll ask those on the call to share some of their definitions. This is a powerful process, and it's important to use very specific language when talking about this subject to turn it from a bright idea to a real reference point in one's life. I want to share with you as many examples as possible. At the end, we'll talk about how to actually use it with your study group attendees and answer questions. 

The background first is important because I think you should understand where some of these micro-modules came from, and it's important to match the right module with the right situation. 

A couple of years ago, I talked to a high-end PR expert about whether I wanted to be another Tony Robbins. This person, about 10 minutes into the conversation, asked me a very powerful question - how come you're not sure if you should be sure if you should become the next Tony Robbins? I told her I hadn't thought about it much, and she couldn't understand why I didn't even know if I wanted this. Then she asked me if I hadn't ever defined success for myself. I hadn't really. She asked that I do that first; I took a couple days to think about it, and ended up with 3 things I felt were how I defined success for myself, and I'll share them with you. 

Again, each word matters in both how I set it up and each word I use - it's not trying to be a language police, but there is a certain way of phrasing that is true; it really pops up. The first one is "I know how successful I am by how much I'm enjoying my creativity." There's a standard preface, "I know how successful I am by being…." And then the second part is some example of that. This was not my first iteration; it was a process that led me to something I could measure and feel. This was my 3rd iteration, and it just stuck for me. 

These are based on experimenting, and you can't often experience it without some experimenting. You might want to pair people up to help each other. The 2nd one, for me, is "I know I'm being successful by how much I'm being nourished by my relationship with God." So, it isn't how much I believe in God; I look at God and thought about what is it about that relationship that is important to me. 

Also, what you're going to find as you work with the group, people will often have one that doesn't make sense to anybody else, but means a lot to them. Mine is "I know I'm being successful by how nice a person I am at any given time." Women, particularly, are kind of forced to be nice - it's kind of a cultural tether. For me, this was incredibly important - to be strong and confident, but still be nice. I can make $1 million or $10 million, but if I'm not nice in the process, then I've failed. 

These are the 3 "legs" or the tripod, that are true and being respected and being honored and provides a certain feeling of success for you. For me, I could be broke, but if these 3 feelings were true, I would feel successful. For most of us, success has been defined by others - either family, friends, television, co-workers, etc. One of the benefits of this process is that it becomes a filter or screen for things that used to get right to you; it can protect you from undue influences. If you know who you are, it's really a barometer and a filter. 

First, thanks for listening, and I want to get to examples. Before we get to those, does anybody have any questions or success story to offer?

Mary Pat:
Obviously, I need to do this exercise for myself, first. Coaching someone, is it important to direct them away from work success as a personal success? If someone defines success as having 16 accounts and making $250,000 a year, would you let them be with that?

TJL: That's a great question. I would actually go a bit deeper, and ask them about more personal benchmarks - ask them if there's a more personal version of that that's not numbers driven. They might want to refine their goal of 16 accounts to the number of referrals they're getting from their current customers. 

Mary Pat:
Thank you.

TJL: You're welcome. Who else has a question about this? Great; let's get back and talk about you. I'd like to ask for a volunteer. Start off by saying, "I know I'm being successful by how…." And then go from there.

Donna: I know I'm being successful by how anxious I am to get up in the morning and start my work.

TJL: Okay; great. This is a fairly common one; is it the process of waking up happy, or going to work, or having something to look forward to every morning?

Donna: When I wake up, I'm thinking already about what I'm going to do and just jump out of bed.

TJL: Okay; is it about how fast you jump out?

Donna: I think if things are going well in my work, I lay in bed and think about what I need to do, but when I'm feeling successful, I'm all there and ready to jump out.

TJL: What you said was very clear; I'm just trying to push it to make sure it's true for you. There are actually 2 components there. I'm trying to make sure it's work or it's jumping out of bed.

Donna: That's a good question.

TJL: Okay; let me help you. You can help by pushing the opinion - it's important to have an exchange. Rather than just trying to evoke it from each other, give each other ideas about how they would phrase what the other person said. If you use this generic one, it also forces you to come up with things that you find exciting on Saturday and Sunday.

Donna: That's a good point; it did feel different when you mentioned 'Saturday'.

TJL: And when it's really true, it'll make a difference in their life. I stopped drinking coffee, I got rid of some relationships, etc. I used these as benchmarks to define my life. If your goal is to wake up like this everyday….

Donna: That's a good point.

XXX: I know I'm being successful by how fulfilled I feel when I'm in the process of doing something.

TJL: Okay. Say it again, if you would.

XXX: I know I'm being successful by how fulfilled I feel when I'm in the process of doing something.

TJL: Okay; give me one example.

XXX: When I'm talking to a client, if I feel really fulfilled by the conversation.

TJL: And how do you know you're feeling fulfilled?

XXX: It's just a feeling I have - when someone's understanding themselves or the world around them.

TJL: Okay; let me just use that as a teaching example. Sometimes during the first iteration people will use a word that's a category, rather than a specific feeling. In this example, it's 'fulfilled'. It's a word they could use, but you want to find out, thought, what it is that is making them feel fulfilled. You want to find out what that thing is, because it'll provide even more punch to the definition. I'm not saying it is, but am just using it as an example. You want to push them to say what it is really, and whatever they say, that's what you want to grab onto. Being fulfilled is the by-product.

XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I laugh or smile during the day.

TJL: Which is it?

XXX: Both.

TJL: I challenge this because when people say 2 words, I want them to use one. When they say 2, it's usually neither of the two, but is something behind those two. I can't tell you why that is, but it is. Say it again.

XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I laugh or smile during the day.

TJL: Is it times of the day, qualities of smiling, how many times?

XXX: How often I feel joy, I guess.

TJL: And how do you know you're feeling joy?

XXX: By how often I'm laughing or smiling. They're the outward marks of the joy I feel.

TJL: And what causes that?

XXX: Connecting with someone, moving forward myself or helping a client move forward.

TJL: Okay. You want to take what the person said, and poke around in it a bit. There's no juice to it yet. It's kind of like the world "fulfilled". I want to find out what's behind it; what actually causes you joy? Joy, technically, from the old definition, is intellectual stimulation that occurs.

XXX: That's kind of it.

TJL: The trick is for you to pick 3 things that have juice in them and provide some direction or benchmark. For example, I am more than a creative person, a believer in God, and a nice person, but for me, those are important benchmarks. Let me give you a couple of examples, and you tell me which one is closest. I know how successful I'm being by how easily forward I'm moving in any situation; I know how successful I'm being by how much I connect with others; and I know how successful I'm being by how much intellectual stimulation I'm enjoying from all sources.

XXX: Wow, I think you just did all 3 of mine!

TJL: What do you know! (laugh) - just to give you guys a sense of things. I've finally become pretty good at nailing them pretty fast, but I wasn't always. The good thing about being a coach for this module, you'll get really good at this much faster. You'll get better and better at thinking of ways to phrase things that the client hasn't thought of. Which of the 3 seems to have the most juice for you?

XXX: How easily I'm moving forward in any situation.

TJL: That's a pretty telling measure. It means your synchronicity is working…

XXX: It kind of encompasses the others. That's helpful; thank you.

TJL: We have time for 1 or 2 more; who's next?

Mary Pat:
I know by how consistently I use the truth of my voice.

TJL: In terms of vocal chords, or….?

Mary Pat:
No, in terms of my voice.

TJL: And how are you being truthful?

Mary Pat:
When I see something and I say something about it; I don't repress it. So it's about consistently using my voice for truth?

TJL: So you've had the 'mute' button on?

Mary Pat:
Yes, it's been on quite often.

TJL: It's a matter of taking that 'mute' button off.

Mary Pat:
Right.

TJL: Sometimes you can phrase things in the negative and it's still quite positive. Tell me what you think…. By how rarely my mute button is on. That seems like the conflict you're having; you're not playing with the truth. You're playing with the mute button. Or, I know… how little I delay in saying what comes to mind. It could be not just the 'on' or 'off', but how long you wait to say something. Remember when we talked about intuition or inkling? An inkling is something even quieter than intuition, so my guess is that you're having inklings but not a lot of evidence to back them up…. As you begin to trust that, and begin to share those inklings, it'll make a big difference. It'll really begin to open you up. It's more than just truth; inklings are often a richer form of truth. Intuition is too conscious, if you know what I mean. Coaches are really in the inkling business, but sometimes we're afraid when they come to mind. 

Again, this is just an example of taking something and turning it into a learning exercise, and weaving in the distinctions between inkling and intuition. It's a way to rather than have 3 definitions, have 3 definitions that connect to parts of their lives. If you were to re-phrase it in your own words, what would you say?

XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I can trust and share my inklings.

TJL: Great. 

XXX: Thank you; I've been struggling with this for a long time.

TJL: You now know what it feels like to find one, and now that you say it, it just really rings true for you.

XXX: Thank you. 

TJL: Now, I'm going to ask as many of you as are willing to share something that I did, something you noticed or learned; I want to do a 'brain dump' on your part, and make it helpful for those listening to the tape or reading the transcription. What did you learn?

XXX: I learned more about the internal aspects of being successful, rather than the external.

TJL: And what does that mean?

XXX: Just the "I feel successful when I'm being…" rather than when I do this or that…..

TJL: So they're not so much achievement points?

XXX: Yes. 

TJL: Good; who else?

Jan: I found how important it is to get the words down and get the meaning behind it.

TJL: Yes, if you can poke and dig a little, it becomes more than just a definition, but a good experiment.

XXX: What I got was from the last person - you just look a little deeper and you begin to really understand how powerful it is.

TJL: Yes, and it is kind of looking for a pot of gold. By dialoguing with you and constantly poking, something pops up.

Donna: I think it was helpful when you said that when people use 2 words, they usually mean neither one. In doing that with me, I found a great definition for what I was trying to say.

TJL: Thank you for that; who's next?

Mary Pat:
One thing that came up for me - when someone is using a common phrase, you're going to want to dig deeper. It's not deeper, and you need to find out what's really underneath that.

TJL: Yes. Who's next?

Mimi: One thing I learned is hearing the passion change in a person's voice when they're getting closer.

TJL: Yes, their eyes light up, they start to shine, and you'll know when it's there. You may tweak it from that point on, but you'll know the point at which they really get it.

XXX: I had the point of words just reinforced for me. I also lacked the distinction of inkling and intuition, and I just treasure that.

XXX: Hearing your story and how you came up with the 3 areas for yourself was a good framework to work off of.

TJL: Thank you; you can share that if you want or share your story or success with it - whatever helps someone understand the history and the power of it. any questions about how to use this with your study group?

Diane: You mentioned earlier that we might want to pair up…

TJL: You can do that or all work on someone's for 10 minutes. You can also weave in teaching points, and use that to help them learn to work with their clients. You can also give them homework to come up with the 3 definitions and bring them to the study group; that way you can move into the background and experimentation with the ideas they've gotten. People don't so much want theory, but a minute or two might provide some good context.

XXX: I was thinking of sort of a mastermind session when you first brought it up, and working with each person that way.

TJL: Yes, the center of attention would work well too.

Donna: You're really good at facilitating this; what if it doesn't pop?

TJL: It's not always going to pop for you; you're going to find 1 or 2 people in the group who are just naturally good and just some how 'get it' and they're going to be doing the job you think you should do because they're just good at it. Defer to them; it makes for a much more interesting day for them, so don't be afraid. It's not going to be perfect, but you're going to get plenty of value from going through the exercise.

Donna: Thank you.

TJL: You're welcome; anyone else?

Paul: If, during the discussion, someone gets confused between their definitions of success and life purpose, how would you talk to someone about that?

TJL: Life purpose and definition of success are total opposites, just to clarify that. Purpose is kind f why you're here, where success definitions are what's most important to you.

XXX: That makes sense to me; some people I've spoken with think they're similar. I'm glad to hear how you've phrased it. 

TJL: When some people get into the life purpose thing, they can't proceed with life. It holds them back and they think they can't proceed because they don't have one. 

XXX: That's great; thank you.

TJL: You're welcome. Anyone else?

XXX: Can I just go back to the conversation about having 2 words can sometimes lead to a muddying of the waters? I agree, but I have two words, passion and joy, and don't think I'd really like to let go of either one of those. Could you go back to that idea and refine it for us a little? What should we do when a client doesn't want to let them go?

TJL: Ask them to suspend it - ask them to re-phrase it using 2 other words. That way you don't have to be argumentative; just ask them to suspend it temporarily. For example, I had someone talk to me about the notion of choice. When I asked him to suspend the word "choice" from his lexicon for 30 days, he was so confused and didn't like it at all. He was wedded to "choice"! Maybe that's the actual problem; maybe you're in a loop.

Flo: Can I comment on that? I had something similar in one of mine; I had something about it made me laugh and had meaning. One of my definitions of success is when I write something that moves me, not just makes me laugh.

TJL: Our time is up; thank you all for playing. I appreciate you staying until the end!