Transcript

Study Group Module
Coaching Clients Who Frustrate You
February 25, 2002 - 10:00 a.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader

TJL: Hello; welcome to the call! This is Thomas Leonard with….

DB: Dave Buck! 

TJL: and…..

Susan: Susan Austin!

TJL: The 3 of us, along with about 7 coaches are going to be talking about why clients can be frustrating. Before we start with the content, I just want to make a few points about why this topic is relevant. Some coaches aren't frustrated at all, while others complain about those who are being in payments, miss calls, or who are making slow progress. Maybe some coaches have expectations of their clients that are bigger than the clients have. Frustration - feeling that accompanies the exp of being thwarted in your goals. Dave, what are some sources of frustration you've experienced?

DB: I know the one that's pertinent to me at the moment is when my clients give me homework and I fall for it. There's another one of clients who seem to be particularly demanding of my time or who want faster responses.

TJL: And some frustrate me because they're not living the way I live, they're talking in circles, and on and on. It can just be annoying and frustrating, yet at the same time, there are a couple of truths to recognize about frustration. It's natural to be frustrated, in fact, if you didn't care, you probably wouldn't feel frustrated. I think we feel frustrated because we don't know what to do about it. Another truth is that coaches can lessen their frustration when they make their clients aware of it. Also, you'll have some clients that will just frustrate you, and that it may be better to have them work with someone else. Some clients will just push your buttons.

DB: About increasing the number of clients you can work with - after about 2 years, I actually stopped coaching because I was frustrated - I stopped coaching for 6 months. Either they weren't making progress, I couldn't see how I could help, I couldn't help them solve some problems, etc. I just couldn't do it any more.

TJL: Sounds like an integrity issue.

DB: It was.

TJL: What was the source of that?

DB: I had a lot of expectations; at that time, I was a health coach and was just frustrated by what I could and couldn't do….

TJL: Legally.

DB: Yes, and also just my ability to feel like I was really helping. 

TJL: And then you had to quit and get a different niche then?

DB: Correct. 

TJL: What's the lesson you learned from this that you can share?

DB: I think the first thing is to handle your own expectations, and then the big lesson - once I noticed I was frustrated and it was hurting me personally, you need to stop. You don't have to quit forever; you can find a new way.

TJL: And it may be a growth opportunity to re-look at your priorities or the community you're serving and find out what really excites you. Just because you're hip in an area doesn't mean you should coach in that area.

Susan: So this isn't about clients being frustrated?

TJL: It's not so much about that - you can make requests of the client, but I think it's important to educate the clients about your frustration; having conversations around that are empowering. Let's go into the 3 steps - (1) to identify the 10 things that frustrate you about your client; (2) find a way to solve that problem or transcend it - that means each and every one of the 10; (3) come to enjoy the character differences and foibles that your clients have. It's kind of an expansion process.

Again, step #1. This will help you understand yourself a lot better. It'll give you some clues about what's really going on. For example, I'll get frustrated at clients who don't move at the pace I do. That means I'm going to have to go through and make some changes. Also, I'll make that part of my perfect client profile. Dave, how did you change yourself or transcend/solve that problem?

DB: I would say the biggest one - I would get frustrated if the client wasn't making the progress I thought they should make and it was coming from a sense of nervousness. I had the whole value of coaching wrapped up in my perception of their progress. I had to let go of that.

TJL: And how did you do that?

DB: I asked them if they were getting value from the coaching.

TJL: And I would say that's universally true - just asking the client will educate you about the value they're getting. It may be different that what you thought the value was.

Susan: What about when a client is late or misses payments? I've educated them on this, but it still happens.

TJL: Those are 2 important issues, and they can be solved. Paying late is something clients just do. The only solution that really works is having a merchant account and doing an automated billing on the first of the month. With clients being late, it's about giving them the consequences of being late, and letting them suffer the consequences if needed. 

DB: I used to get frustrated too, and I just made it for myself not a big deal.

TJL: I used to also do back to back calls - 60 over 3 days, and I would pray for a client who wouldn't call! (laugh) The 3rd step then is to enjoy all the character flaws and foibles of the clients; it's really a growth opportunity. Use those frustrations to evolve yourself. It's actually to your advantage for clients to frustrate you if you set yourself up for that growth.

Susan: So you're saying almost to embrace what annoys you, not fix it.

TJL: Almost! (laugh) You also want to bring it up with the client. I had clients that I'd give homework to and who wouldn't do it. I realized I could be like a schoolteacher or be like a coach and stop accepting promises from them.

DB: Or, not to make it a rule. As a coach, you have to adapt your ways of adding value for every client. Some clients love doing homework. 

TJL: And I think clients appreciate that individual treatment. There isn't one way to coach a client. Any final comments, Dave or Susan?

Susan: I'm still trying to get my arms around enjoying what's frustrating me!

TJL: Well, get longer arms! (laugh)

DB: I think the final thing for me is that you should embrace your frustrations and look at them as a learning opportunity. 

TJL: Thank you both for contributing. This is the end of the first part of our session.

(moment of silence)

TJL: And we're back. This is the Q&A portion of the session. This is your opportunity to ask questions and comment. We're open to anything.

Steve: Can I share some real frustrations? My client would call off appointments at the last minute. Once, I can accept it, but it seems to be a pattern.

TJL: And do you know why this was happening?

Steve: She had so many excuses, and sometimes I had to wait as much as 20 minutes, and that wasn't acceptable.

TJL: And why wasn't that?

Steve: All my other clients were punctual. Also, she had a hard time paying her fees. I finally gave her up as a client after about 8 months. I also felt my energy was being drained, and I felt I could do more for other clients.

TJL: That's a good point. It can corrupt your energy and bring down the work you do with your other clients. 

DB: If you have a client who's consistently late and you're waiting by the phone, then one thought is to re-arrange it so you call them. If they're not there, then it's their loss. 

TJL: You can also hear in your voice that you're still frustrated by it. What there hasn't been and can be, is step 3. Probably 10-20 percent of our clients are like that, and often it's a symptom of their fear; we're talking about stuff that, for them, is extremely confrontive. Come from the place of working to understand, rather than coming from the place that "You're late!"….

DB: The fact that you both stuck it out for 8 months was great. 

TJL: Was that helpful?

Steve: Yes, it was.

TJL: What was helpful for you?

Steve: How to make a potential weakness into a stepping stone for improvement.

TJL: Very well said; can I quote you on that? That's great. Who else has a comment, question or situation?

Greg: When I first started coaching, that was one of my concerns. What I did starting out was to interview a number of therapists who were successful and find out how they managed it, and this is what they told me. Whenever you think they're frustrating you, flip it and examine what's surfacing for you there. There's usually an issue behind that - you can explore it and try to get in touch with it. Once you want something more than they do, that's the point to stop and re-examine.

TJL: Yes; we want so much for others, and there's a fine line between wanting the best for them and wanting them to be successful. There can also be a personal need the coach has for the client to be moving forward. Thanks for that, Greg.

Dina: I found that what was one of my biggest frustrations was when a client was telling me what to do. I'm sort of a director-type, I love to take responsibility for being a good coach and doing my best, and I found this person was a director-type like myself, and knew exactly what she wanted from the call. I had a particular process I wanted her to do, and she told me "no". I went inside and figured out what was up with me; I saw that I was wanting to take control. 

TJL: Wow! That's a big step. You actually became a person who is fairly comfortable with the clients driving the show? That's a huge change.

Dina: Yes, it was a huge change for me. And it was a lot with giving the client the most value I was capable of giving. 

TJL: It's probably easier for you to be on a call with a client, isn't it?

Dina: Yes, and it's very humbling too.

TJL: Great; who else?

Judy: What I'm hearing is that it's all about personal growth and personal responsibility and about having to move there before we can help anybody else.

TJL: I hope we can do both at the same time. Hopefully, though, this will help coaches start at the highest possible level. Any other final comments? My final comment is that my biggest fear is that my clients wouldn't do well and would reflect badly on my reputation as a miracle worker. That was my self-identity, and I realized that was a little annoying and a big set-up for failure. As long as my clients feel I'm providing a professional service and that value is created, that's my measure of success - not my reputation. I missed out on a whole bunch of clients because I was concerned about my reputation.

Susan: For me, it's the idea that the more I look at this, the larger number of clients I'll be able to work with - that's very attractive to me.

TJL: And people will feel that about you. They'll feel that you're an accepting person. They may not be able t articulate it, but they sense it.

DB: When you get the idea as a coach that you add value just by showing up that reduces your frustration significantly.

TJL: And talking to the client about that as well. That's an immediate bonding process with your client. Susan, for you….?

Susan: Bring on the frustrations! (laugh)

TJL: Thank you all for contributing today. Bye now!