Transcript

Study Group Module: Perfect Life
February 20, 2002 - 6:00 pm EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader

TJL: Welcome; this is Thomas Leonard with Dave Buck; today our focus is on the 3-step training call on a perfect life. Welcome to you all; we've got about 15 coaches on the call who are going to be helping us. One thing people say is that the word 'perfect' has some baggage around it, but just be patient and listen to us; maybe you can weave the word perfect into your lexicon. In just a moment, we're going to be sharing 3 steps of having a perfect life, and you'll be able to get some help in tweaking your perfect life elements.

The first step is to get very comfortable with the notion of perfect. Historically, that notion has been used against us, particularly women, so there's a strong reaction to that word. People are finally getting more comfortable with having things be perfect in life; it's exciting to see people getting comfortable using that term. For those of you on the call listening today, if you've heard this term before or taken this course, could you share your story?

DB: This is Dave and I'll just jump in with this story; we talked about this notion several years before you started the course on this notion. It took me a couple of years, when you decided you're we going for it and doing the program, I thought, "Yeah, I can do this!" 

TJL: And before you didn't like it because….

DB: Because it was impossible. Why bother?

TJL: Is there someone n the call that has a question or concern about the use of the word perfect? If you'd be willing for me to have a conversation with you about it, I'd like to share it with the group.

XXX: I know as a woman I often set roles for myself and began to see I was doing that unconsciously, that they were really roles from society. 

TJL: And what do you think it's going to take for you to start using the word perfect without having that baggage?

XXX: I think it's going to take spending more time to think about what that means for me.

TJL: Yes, and some people will never make the transition. Not everyone will be able to make the transition, but you will find that some people who were originally against it will come around. I want to make sure that's clear.

Ken: I was uncomfortable with the term perfect until I gave up the notion of perfectionism and grasped the idea that perfect for me was having systems that work.

TJL: So versus some definition of the right color file cabinet, the right computer, etc? for me, a perfect life is a life with no problem. Dave, what's yours?

DB: One definition? I don't think I have one single definition, no. Well, for me, I think it's really a life where I no longer have to settle.

XXX: For women, we're always trying to get to perfect, and we never seem to quite get there, so it's not that we have a problem using the word perfect, but we just think we'll never make that point.

TJL: The 2nd step here is to identify the 10 to 15 elements of your life that are already perfect and then choose 10 to 15 elements that aren't perfect yet. In my life, I have certain things in my life that are perfect; for example, my dog Fringe is sitting in my lap and that's one perfect element in my life. Things like that can all be perfect elements in your life. We just want you to start by thinking by things that are already perfect. Just labeling something or someone as perfect changes the relationship with that thing. Part of the process is to make sure you're locking into place the things that mean the most to you. 

The game here, and it sounds a bit odd, but identify the 25 items that, if they were in place, would make your life perfect. It's like when you first make $100,000 a year - when someone reaches that milestone, they almost never go below that. Something just flips into place. That's kind of the carrot to go for in this process, for example. Dave, what are some things on your list?

DB: As you work with them over time, the phrasing of the element can really make the difference. For instance, I have "houses I own that I can enjoy debt-free". In addition, I have "I love the fact that I live alone". I had this whole list of things that made up the idea of my perfect house, and one day it occurred to me that I could really combine several elements; I came up with - "My house; scenic views, cozy rooms, all mine."

TJL: And that made what difference?

DB: When I said in that way, it really connected. You want to have elements that when you say them, really resonate with you. 

TJL: So you want to tweak it to make it exciting, rather than just being a to-do list.

DB: Yes; the perfect life is just about getting so clear about what you want and that you're willing to have it. 

TJL: That's why we have you put the number 25 on it, so you really prioritize it and it doesn't just become a list of 100 things you want.

DB: Yes, the process is to weed out and really connect with what's perfect for you; when you get tuned into that, it becomes a lot more do-able.

TJL: Yes, and the 3rd step is the timeframe. Choose things that can be accomplished in 2 years or less, because then you'll leave off those things that might be considered pipedreams or old projects.

DB: And the process of doing this takes some time- it can take weeks or even a few months to get your elements right. Like when I said, "stop settling", give yourself some time for those passions to re-awaken and acknowledge what you really want out of life. You start re-kindling things you really gave up on just by giving yourself permission to think about having them.

TJL: Just to let you know the reason why to even bother with this is that you'll have a perfect life. I have 22 out of the 25, and I've been working on it for a couple of years. It's been great; it really pulls me forward. Also, as you get comfortable with the word perfect, you also really notice imperfections and see things you want to be perfect. 

XXX: There's a release that goes along with this - it's like you're then freed up to work on this once you've really gotten it.

TJL: Dave, any final comments for you?

DB: I would just say that when you work on your perfect life elements, give yourself time to find the phrase that really resonates through; it takes some time to get accustomed to finding something that really sings for you.

TJL: Yes, and once you get a couple of those, you'll really look for that feeling when you work on the rest. Thanks Dave and Susan and the rest of you that contributed earlier.

(moment of silence)

TJL: And we're back. You're welcome to ask questions about the process, can help you tweak some of the elements, or share a comment with us. Who wants to go first?

XXX: I just need to get started!

Michael:
For me - and I've done Perfect Life before - the hardest element has to do with a perfect spouse. One of my elements would be to have the perfect spouse, perfect mother, etc. I'm not sure how to create a perfect element around that without replacing that person.

XXX: What I'm seeing is that you need to take it off the individual and focus on having a perfect relationship with that individual.

TJL: Yes, and there are going to be some things that are untouchables that you're not willing to change, and for some people, they will use this as a good excuse to go perfect that aspect of their life. For some people that may mean a different spouse. I personally couldn't handle being in a relationship with someone who isn't perfect for me. There may be things you can't reconcile with, and I don't have an answer for that. You might want to choose to work on something you can do, rather than choosing something that seems impossible.

DB: When you look for perfect and what is perfect for you, somehow in the process, more and more things occur as perfect for you. It's a strange part of the process. As you start looking for perfection, things you would never before think of as perfect often become perfect for you. It's almost like you become more open to things somehow.

TJL: Thanks Dave; that is so true!

XXX: As soon as I saw a Perfect Life being offered at CoachVille, the first thing I did was resist it, but the more I read about it, it became inspiring.

TJL: Because?

XXX: It became possible!

TJL: Exactly. It is a fairly novel concept, and it's not something that people sell; it's a pretty high-level concept. It is one of those things that may take a while to warm up to.

DB: It's important to get the idea that not everyone is ready for perfect; when you introduce the idea to your clients and they resist it, don't force it. not everyone is ready to take on perfect.

TJL: Yes, and it may not necessarily be the right flavor for them. It should be an option for somebody.

DB: Or, it may be like the way it was for me. At first, they might resist it, but then a year later, they may call you up and ask you more about it. 

TJL: Any other questions?

XXX: It's just another tool in the toolbox of looking at what people want out of life; it's a process that people can see as the next point.

TJL: Yes, and it makes it into a game rather than just a conversation. Both of which are valuable, but people usually hire coaches for results, rather than just conversations.

DB: Is there anything you can think of that you're struggling with around this idea? If you have perfect life elements, maybe you can share them with us?

Michael:
One of my elements is "Money is always earned in ways that are totally joyful".

DB: Okay; great. Any other comments?

XXX: I think there are reasons people don't have those perfect things in their life, and by looking at why they don't have them, that's where the coaching comes in. It's just getting them to the point where they do have perfect things in their life. 

Michael:
I appreciate you saying that; the questioning in helping the person actually going through it is in the inquiry and the relationship with a coach that a person starts to distinguish the concept.

TJL: Yes, and it can also happen in an honest, loving conversation between 2 parties; it's the conversation that seems to get people excited.

DB: The process we're talking isn't a complicated process; it's actually a deceptively simple process. 

XXX: Here's one of mine: open space, musical environment, sunny home.

TJL: Thank you all for contributing to our conversation. It's an amazingly rich topic and I appreciate you taking the time to talk with us. 








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