MP3 File of call | here (to download put mouse over file and RIGHT click)

Graduate School of Coaching Training
Class #2709 - Coaching Proficiency #9: Communicates Cleanly
January 16, 2003 - 10:00 p.m. EST
Susan Austin, Instructor


Susan: Welcome to you all! This is class #2709. Tonight we’re going to be talking about proficiency #9, which is communicates cleanly. I just want to let you know ahead of time that I have lots of opinions about this topic; I’ll try to share them cleanly, but we’ll see what happens. We’re going to work through the material – I’ve got plenty of content – and we’ll do a role-play. I call this proficiency a 5-year play. This is really an advanced skill. This kind of reminds me of a radio announcer; I always thought that would be a cool job, but then I started to think about it and it’s really a professional skill that’s developed over the years. To be a radio announcer, you have to know how you come across over that medium. We come across a certain way and we communicate for a living, so it makes sense that we put a lot of time into communicating cleanly.

I’m curious what attracted you to this class. Why are you guys here?

XXX: It said proficiency in front of the number.

Susan: So it’s a proficiency call you’re going to take?

XXX: Yes; it’s just number 9

David: This is an important topic for me; I’ve improved in my ability to communicate cleanly, and I’m looking forward to getting some more ideas and practicing more.

XXX: I think this is one of the most important ones we deal with. It’s only been in the last few years that I’ve realized I’ve had a hidden agenda that I communicated with them in a way that was to my benefit. I’ve tried to become more conscious of this.

Susan: And there’s usually some sort of counter-play that’s going on.

XXX: Yes, and I’m pretty good at that.

Susan: Oh, so you’re trying to unlearn some of that? (laugh)

XXX: Yes! (laugh)

Susan: You make a very good point; a lot of what we’re going to do tonight is unlearning. It’s a tricky proficiency to teach because it’s really peeling away things that you’re doing. We’ll try to do this as cleanly as we can, but sometimes it can be off-putting to some coaches.

Karen: Interestingly, what intrigued me at the Intensive was charge-up, charge-neutral, and charge-down. I’m interested to learn more.

Matthew: I’ve been, for the past several years, moving toward honesty and I saw this – when I read the class notes and graphs, it seemed to be tied around communicating very honestly and openly.

Susan: Yes. I like the way you look at that. Do you think it’s possible to communicate perfectly?

XXX: Just as easy as it is to have a perfect life.

Susan: We’re asserting that it’s possible to become a perfect communicator; I don’t know of any, but we do think it’s possible. The trick is to be responsible for how you’re heard. There’s that half a second to think about how it’s going to land for the other person, and most of us don’t think about that. To be responsible for how you’re heard actually changes your communication, and it builds up this muscle very quickly. Trick #2 is to identify and get rid of what’s getting in the way of you communicating very cleanly. I encourage everyone to work on this with your coach. Thomas actually advocates asking your clients to help you work on your communication style; of course, that takes a bigger person to do that sometimes, but to literally talk to your clients and ask them to point out things you’re doing, either after the call or during the call. Again, as you perfect your communication, clients benefit from that.

XXX: Will we talk about the things that we can point out?

Susan: Yes, as a matter of fact. There’s actually a form called the 15 Style Points – 15 areas in which you can perfect your communication.

XXX: Okay; thank you.

Susan: I’ll send you the link for that after this class. It’s basically something you can give to your coach, client, or spouse where they can pick these things out. We actually give you some language that you can start looking for. Let’s talk about why this is a proficiency; why communicate clearly? What’s the benefit?

XXX: It’s the tool we have to help make a difference with our clients.

Susan: I’m sorry; can you say that again?

XXX: I think our voice is a tool that we use, and the more effective we communicate, the better our tool is.

XXX: It sounds to me as if there’s something we need to avoid, or this is an elimination issue.

Susan: Yeah, it’s almost like we’re going to take out the impurities. And why is that important?

XXX: Because it removes unstated assumptions or issues you put in your communication without really knowing it.

XXX: It seems that if you can communicate cleanly, you can communicate more quickly.

Susan: And you don’t just mean speak faster?

XXX: No; you get the key points out of what you’re saying without having to wade through all the other language.

Susan: Yes; you make a good point. That’s a very key part of it. If it takes you 15 minutes to make your point, that’s getting in the way of your coaching. Then, that’s competing with the client and it can put distance between you and the client.

Caroline: I used to teach public speaking, and there was always a debate about what was more important – what you were saying or how you were saying it. We came to the conclusion is that it was how you were saying. In coaching, though, I don’t think it’s an either-or situation; words are the most powerful things there are for us, but if we don’t communicate them in a way that can be picked up by the client, I don’t know if they’ll have any value.

Susan: Yes, very good point. Some clients have never experienced someone communicating as cleanly as you, so you’re the model for them. Let’s switch gears a little bit; we’re not saying communication is an art form, but it’s a skill set. It can feel a little heavy at times, but just try to come to it with lightness in your heart. Let’s talk about the different ways to communicate; there are actually 3 categories:

1 - clean up your tone. This shows up with coaches who were therapists more often; it’s not always the case, but generally therapists fall in this category – there’s almost a significance or heaviness in their tone. You’ll just want people to check in with your tone. A lot of where Thomas coaches, he will bring up the tone the client brings up; many times that will shake them up. You cannot only use these tools for yourself, but you can also use them around your client. Any ways you can see to clean up the tone?

XXX: Check your agenda, and check your intention.

Susan: And what do you mean by that?

XXX: That’s part of the charge-up, charge-neutral, and charge-down. You can say the same words as someone else, but if you have an agenda behind it, those words will come out much differently. It’s really hard to have a neutral agenda! I think it’s kind of an ego thing.

Susan: Yes, that falls under the next category, which is:

2 - improve your connection. One of the diagrams for this class talks about the clean band of communication; we want to take things away – get rid of the agenda, for example.

XXX: Would you say that it’s about the coach getting out of the ‘it’s about me’?

Susan: Yeah, that’s a lot of it. If you have anything going on, that’s about you, not the client. We talk about having unmet needs; that’ll show up in the coaching call as well. I don’t know if you’ve had a conversation with someone talking at you, versus with you, but it’s very off-putting.

XXX: It’s called parents! (laugh)

Susan: And they get into that mindset – I do that when I’m teaching a class sometimes. We don’t do it intentionally, but it happens.

XXX: I learned there’s the whole right and wrong – having a conversation and having to be right in it. There are times when your client is wanting to be right and you’re wanting to be right, and that’s a whole ‘pull back’ scenario.

Susan: Yes; Thomas has actually gotten to a place that he doesn’t care if the client takes his advice at all. He’s given up any needs he has to speak on the call; he’s given up the need to feel heard.

XXX: How long did it take him to get to that place?

Susan: A long time. We’re not saying that you can’t not want to help the person, but if you feel the need almost uncontrollably, you’re going to want to look at that. You want to be sure there’s nothing behind it.

XXX: So you don’t want to be like ‘I’m going to solve your problem’?

Susan: Right! Then the 3rd category is – over-communicate. We’re saying over-communicate without charge. Any of your inklings – we think coaches, as a rule, should share their inklings without delay. Or, just come clean on any agenda you have; you should leave nothing unsaid.

Could you explain that a bit more?

Well, over-communicate is a tricky word….

XXX: You want to make certain that by the end of the call that every inkling has been communicated? That would not be over-communication; that would be full communication, correct?

Susan: That would actually be a better term. They’re the client, they’re paying for all of you, and they want to hear what your concerns are. There’s probably a reason why Thomas picked the term ‘over-communication’, but I don’t know what that is.

XXX: This particular aspect, do you think this directly compliments the proficiency of engaging in provocative conversation? The things I’m seeing here seem to directly relate.

Susan: There could be; sharing your inklings could be provocative. I definitely think there’s an overlap between this and proficiency #10, which is shares what is there.

XXX: Could you just define what an inkling means? I don’t know what that word is in English.

XXX: Is it like intuition?

Susan: Well, there’s no evidence at all; it could be totally unrelated to what the client is talking about, but it’s something that pops in your mind. It’s really deeper than an intuition. You can actually develop, the more you share inklings with your clients – you can share that and perhaps have a really provocative conversation around that.

XXX: It’s really like a fragment of an awareness. What’s really powerful about this is that – what Thomas is saying is that even if you have this fragment of an awareness, you want to share that, and then you and the client can see if you can make sense out of that.

Susan: Yes! Thomas said when he first started sharing inklings, he was right only about 50 percent of the time, and with practice, he’s now up to around 90 percent accuracy.

XXX: In ethical terms, what I’ve found is that if I share an inkling, it’s like the first flash of a thought. An intuition is where you may have had some information about that before.

Susan: Yes, the inkling kind of comes out from left field.

XXX: It seems to me that the potential for sharing an inkling could be communicating uncleanly. If you share it when it first comes up, you could take things way off the subject.

Susan: Yes. And, I would say that the value in sharing inklings versus holding back on sharing outweighs – it can change the client’s life in unexpected ways. Repressing it for the sake of unsure-ness, it’s still worth the risk of sharing. We’re saying you should share it and just let it unfold.

I’d like to do a role-play here. I’m not sure how this role-play is going to go, so let me over-communicate right now and say this will be the first time we’ve done a role-play around this. We have done this at some of the Intensives, but bear with me. I’m going to share a scenario and I’m going to ask a coach to step up and walk me through it. Let’s talk about what we’re seeing around the communication that’s going on between the coach and the client. Again, the purpose here is to kind of start looking at the communication things that can come up on a coaching call. Let’s get a coach to step up.

Craig: I have no idea what I’m doing, but I’ll give it a shot.

Susan: Okay; let’s just listen in and take notes about what you guys hear. I’m ready when you are, Craig.

Craig: Okay, what would you like to be coached on?

Susan: Well, I’m kind of frustrated because I’ve been doing a lot of work in one area of my life and it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. I’m just wondering if I’ve been a fool, or if I should just keep going. It’s frustrating to put this much time and effort into a project and not see any results.

Craig: And did you have an expectation that you would see results more quickly?

Susan: Yeah; this is some of the hardest work I’ve done in my adult life, so I expected something.

Craig: What does hard mean?

Susan: It means exertion, effort, and time. I’ve put more energy into this than almost anything,

Craig: Okay, all right. Is this something you’re really good at or is it not really one of your big skills?

Susan: Hmm, I’m not entirely sure I understand the question, but I’ll try to answer it. I’m not overly skilled in that area, but I think I’m doing a pretty good job.

Craig: Okay, is there any other measure besides the one you’re using that might be appropriate?

Susan: Yes, and I’ve been using that other measurement, if you will, but today, for whatever reason, it doesn’t means as much. Okay, we’re going to end it there. What did you guys hear?

XXX: One thing I discovered was that a couple times you probably had more to say and just needed a bit more silence.

Susan: Okay, what is your sense of communicates cleanly?

XXX: He was trying to bring you through it, but sometimes it brought an end to what you were saying.

Susan: Okay, who else?

XXX: The coach had a series of questions, but I think a feeling of empathy could’ve helped things a bit.

Susan: Okay, and Craig, if you want to respond to anything, feel free.

Craig: I’m working on a defense right now! (laugh) actually, all I wanted to say was that I think the comments are very valid so far. It would not be real to coach somebody through that many exchanges and not know exactly what the topic was; I was complicit with you in that, rather than being a coach. That one was about me.

Bonnie: I wanted to understand what happened today.

Susan: Okay, so you would’ve wanted to understand about that first? Who else?

Karen: I knew what the topic was, and in listening to Craig, I found that his questions were very charge-neutral. He was just asking for more information.

Susan: And would you agree with that Craig?

Craig: Yeah; I was working at it too.

Susan: I could feel that he was coaching me, rather than almost having this a natural conversation.

MaryBeth: What my ear was hearing was in the tone area. It became really apparent that I was hearing the ‘cool or flat’ area from the graphic. When you were talking a moment ago, your voice had a totally different tone. When you were coaching Susan, there was almost this monotone. Did it hit you, Susan?

Susan: A little bit; we talk about matching the tone of the client, but sometimes remaining very neutral is really the way to go. We can charge up or down a little bit to offset the client, but I think Craig was a little reserved. Craig, is this how you normally coach?

Craig: No, I think it’s really a hugely artificial situation – I think I was more than a little cautious. I was also surprised that I didn’t ask you for more information.

Susan: And what do you think about sharing with versus talking at? What’s your sense on that one, Craig?

Craig: I don’t think I did either; I think I just asked questions.

Susan: Okay, good. I definitely got a little bit of something like you were trying to take me somewhere. I didn’t know if you had an agenda at all.

Craig: No, I didn’t; I was just baffled about where to go.

XXX: Can I ask you about the client’s tone? In Craig’s voice, I hear a lot of wisdom and I hear a lot of excitement in your voice when we’re on these calls. I doesn’t seem to me that matching the tone is very obvious. Can you explain a bit more?

Susan: Maybe a better description would be to match their pacing, or – what’s the word?

XXX: Intensity or emotion.

Susan: Yes.

XXX: Okay, so you’ll adapt the style to match the client.

Susan: Yes; if you have an up client, literally by how you phrase the questions, you bring the client down.

XXX: And when you are doing only phone coaching, you have to remember that your voice is all the other person has to go on and it can make a significant difference in what they say and how they react.

XXX: Suppose they’re in a really down tone and you hit them with a charge-up, it could be so provocative that it stops them in their tracks, which would change the tone of the whole call.

Susan: I think I generally go where my clients are at – if they’re down, I go down with them.

XXX: Really?

Susan: Yeah; I will match my cadence and style to see where they’re at and then the coaching will actually take them out of that.

XXX: There’s a theory that in order to effectively communicate with another person, we can’t get hung up on our communication style, we have to match theirs. If we can’t match up, they’re going to be hindered in some way.

Susan: Yes. Who else?

Jim: Once you’ve matched the client, it’s then possible for you to gradually raise the level of the conversation, but if you just keep being peppy, that dissonance will never let them get there.

Susan: And it will get between you and the client.

Karen: To be provocative, you could shift to an opposing tone for one question, maybe; I wouldn’t stay at the opposite end of the tone spectrum at the same time.

Susan: We’re getting to the top of the hour, so I want to go around the room and see how helpful this has been for you.

XXX: When you said we have to be responsible for how we are heard, that really struck a chord with me.

Craig: Yes, that really hit home for me, too.

XXX: One thing that really got to me was talking at the client versus talking with the client.

Carol: We talked a lot about matching the tone, and I kept thinking about how when you communicate in person, you match their body position so you’re doing this with your voice on the phone.

Susan: Yes, and it’s a complicated skill to learn.

Karen: Yes, the matching the tone was something I really got – I need to do that more powerfully.

Susan: Thank you guys for stepping up, and thank you Craig specifically; if you have any specific feedback or questions, just email me. Thank you everyone!


copyright 2003 by schoolofcoaching.com. no duplication.