|
Transcript of Training Call
 (from which transcript was
crafted)
Coaching Proficiencies
Proficiency #15 - Respects the Client's Humanity
April 2, 2002 - 6:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
TJL: Hello and welcome to the call; this is Thomas Leonard with Susan
Austin, and about 20 folks from the graduate school of coaching. We're talking about
humanity and respecting the client's humanity. I'm going to read a paragraph about this
(Thomas reads the paragraph).
The key distinction here is respect versus patience; I believe we're more able to respect
the client - it's a deeper experience. Another example is to respects the client's
approach. As you get more clients, you'll find a variety of ways to get from point A to
point B. Finally, to respect the client's wishes. I've had clients that felt so strongly
about a point, and I just wasn't interested; even if they're not entirely correct, the
client is the customer. It's almost like when you go into the stereo store and they keep
asking you if you want to buy the extra warranty - it's up to you what the extra value is
worth to you. Even if you think they're making a mistake, it's the client's life, not
ours.
Susan: I think you made a good point.
TJL: Only one? (laugh)
Susan: I was sometimes labeling - I think when we go into these roles,
it feels like there's a distance between us.
TJL: Again, it's one of the ways you need to be more human with your
client. One way is to abandon the more traditional ways of defining what you do. While
roles have been helpful, at some point they become self-defining, when there may be a more
powerful place they can come from. I prefer to say 'I coach' rather than 'I'm a coach', to
focus on the activity rather than me. Often we think our reputation is tied up in our
success, and it's really in how we coach them. I'm just not interested in disrespecting.
Ken: I found that if you try to push a client to something they're not
ready for, they may turn on you.
TJL: Yes, or they just in general resist. Most clients would rather have
you inspire them, than push them. A sign of an inspired coach is when your clients are
excited to do something. Thanks, Ken. Have you have any experience of anyone that did not
serve you or the client?
XXX: They said I had to have a specific goal by a specific time and take
action immediately; it didn't matter whether I was ready or not.
TJL: So that's a linear step. In many cases, clients would rather spend
time strategizing or having conversations for 3 or 6 months that don't lead to actions.
Very good pint; who else? Who coached you in a way that didn't seem to respect your
humanity?
Rob: I was in the middle of a rough weekend, and I told the coach I was
'okay', and they wanted to know what would get me to 'fantastic'.
TJL: That's a great one.
Barbara:
I was speaking with a dear friend this weekend, and I didn't think I
was going on and on, and interrupted me and asked me if I was prepared to do something.
When I told her I wasn't at that moment, she said there was no point in talking about.
TJL: Some coaches give you a 2-minute limit or something. I think some
people are complain-aholics, but many clients - there's going to be some reaction that
comes from experimenting and trying new things, and that's going to come up. I think it's
a really healthy part of the coaching process to complain and commiserate.
Susan: Even as an individual, there are parts of me that are strong and
other parts that aren't strong, so I think my coach - there's a tendency to think that I'm
strong all over, and I'm not.
TJL: It's kind of insulting because they see you in only that one light.
XXX: What about coaching with the edge?
TJL: That's a good question. What it comes down to is there's a time and
place for everything. There's a point at which they're going to push back or reject you.
With some clients, you can use a lot of edge and they're not going to feel it, where with
others….
XXX: As you say that, I really get it.
TJL: Great; another question is that some coaches are so not strong,
that level never gets tested. We all have that place that goes from pretty healthy
stimulation to where it borders on disrespectful. I do see a number of coaches saying
'well, that's just my personality' and I don't know if that's in the best interest of the
client. I think the whole cattle-prod thing is a lack of sophistication on the part of the
coach.
Valerie: And that philosophy creates a dependency on the coach. They
could get short-term results, but don't have a way t find that in themselves.
Curt: What do you say to that coach?
TJL: In terms of how to correct their behavior?
Curt: If you felt a coach was overbearing to their clients…..
TJL: I would want to know how come they push their clients so hard.
Then, when they would tell me, I would ask them how they knew if they pushed too far.
Assuming they've hired me to solve that problem, though…… I would keep going.
Curt: has it been your experience that your overall approach to coaching
is respecting the client's humanity and that the other things just fall out of that?
TJL: Is this the one that gives comfort with the other 14, then?
Curt: Yes, in terms of this being an overall approach.
XXX: I look at this as almost like an insurance policy. I go into the
relationship saying, 'What can we accomplish?'
TJL: Okay, thank you.
XXX: It reminds me a lot of sales. When you're skilled in sales, your
customer should never feel pressured.
TJL: Yes. And as you get more sophisticated in your coaching approach,
it's more of a collaborative thing.
Dave: The way I interpret this one is to have a robust availability of
emotions and being able to respect no matter what comes up with the client. Don't you
think most people are thinking they're honoring humanity even when they're not? I love the
notion of it, and I know it's a part of coaching, but I'm thinking how would you listen
for that? What would you be listening for to get the distinction? That's a question I
have.
Ken: I was introduced to the notion of what we call 'tough love' or
'ruthless compassion' and I'm coming to terms with the idea that it may not be what they
need to push them beyond what they might be capable.
TJL: You're saying you coach clients like this, or not?
Ken: I used to, and I've come to the realization that it's not good for
the client.
TJL: Good point. When I'm listening to a coach work with clients, if the
coach has a point of view that they keep pushing and the client is trying to deflect it,
it's like the coach isn't catching on.
Susan: That happened to me; nothing my coach was saying was landing. I
finally had to stop the call and tell her this wasn't working for me.
Barbara:
For me, respecting the client's humanity is in truly believing they
know what's best for them.
TJL: And so by coming from that place, it saves you from arrogance?
Barbara:
That's part of it. I'm following on what Susan said. If a coach has an idea about what's
right for that client and is trying to put that agenda onto the client, I think that is
arrogance. I truly believe I don't have the 'answers', but my job is to help the client
figure it out for themselves.
TJL: So you don't offer advice or give direction, then?
Barbara:
That's right.
TJL: You know one of the 15 frameworks - which is a complementary
portion of this training - is that there's always an answer, whether it's from the coach,
the client, the news broadcast or whatever, an answer is always available from somewhere.
Some coaches think they're intruding on the client's process, where others don't.
Dave: If a client asked you for your opinion, you can certainly offer
your advice. You get into the idea of not honoring humanity if you just come up with an
idea and don't tell them.
TJL: Good point; anyone else?
Barbara:
When it seems like you're having 2 different conversations.
TJL: I know that one!
Bob: I think it's great when you offer a common way to communicate when
someone has a speech problem - for example, when there was a woman on the call last week
who was having trouble verbalizing her thoughts, you asked her to email her question to
you and said that you would answer her that way.
Dave: That's a good example.
TJL: Thank you for that.
Dave: I think it also is about honoring your own deficiencies.
Bob: It's saying that we're recognizing our own humanity and have our
own failures too.
TJL: Yes.
Dave: I think just honoring your own humanity gets you out of that
'guru' thing; it puts you in a more respectful place for you and the client. From a
perspective of honoring humanity, it's just 2 people.
TJL: One thing I think gets in the way is that we're being paid; if a
client is resisting our best efforts, the relationship can be adversarial. That's where if
you're going to honor your own need to do a good job, it's necessary to ask how you can
modify the coaching to help them get the most out of it. Final comments?
Sue: I was on a call with one of my clients when her teenage son burst
into the room with a demand, and the conversation didn't go very well from that. I
suggested she write out her schedule for the day, and give it to him so he knew what she
needed as well.
TJL: How's this going t help you be a more productive coach?
Rob: For me, honoring humanity and the client frees me up to bring my
own humanity and not get so uptight about what we're talking about. It's about just being
who you are with each other.
Ken: One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that you can be
arrogant; I like the thing you said about 'I coach' rather than 'I'm a coach.'
Bob: These are just wonderful lessons, but I've got 3 things that I
thought were key for me - First, we're all coaches. Also your ideas that we're still
evolving; we're not finished yet. Then, finally, that a coach has to have respect for
humanity, not just the client, but all humanity. I think that's what makes coaching such
an on-the-edge field.
Dave: Wow - I'm all fired up to be a coach now!
TJL: Bob, that was great. One thing I want to say is that you look at
how humans have treated other humans in the past - one thing I look at now that keeps me
humble is that we're all still eating meat. I think at some point we'll evolve as humans
and look back in horror that we used to eat cows; many people are becoming vegetarians
each year. I think it's a thrill to know that we'll never be 'done', but will just
continue to move along the path. There's just so much more we can do in our lifetimes to
be more perfect. Who else? How have you benefited? Okay, we'll let it go at that. Thank
you all - have a great 50 years!
|
|
