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Transcript of Training Call
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crafted)
Coaching Proficiencies
Proficiency #13 - Relishes Truth
April 2, 2002 - 4:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
TJL: Hi and welcome to the call. This is Thomas Leonard, along with
Susan Austin. today we're talking about the topic “relishing truth.”
The idea is not the truth, or honesty, but about the whole notion of
truth. I'm going to read the description in a second and then we'll
launch a discussion of truth. It's going to be very much an R&D type of
call. Truth continues to evolve and unfold, so we’re trying to get our
arms around it. I'll read the introduction first (Thomas reads the
paragraph.)
Two examples of what a certified coach does are – 1) they come to enjoy
and relish the truth about the clients’ abilities and limitations, and
2) they teach clients how to relish the truth for the pleasure, not just
the utility of it. As coaches we appreciate our clients and believe
them. This isn't about the client being honest or dishonest, but more
about the whole notion of truth. Honesty is your own reality; truth is
reality. You don't have to agree with it, but it's the place to begin.
I've always wanted to be correct and I’ve always felt that was important
in coaching, but I realized honesty could only go so far. I felt there
was a level beyond that. There is a certain truth about us as humans –
our abilities and our limitations. I noticed there are certain qualities
I have that I've not resolved in my life, but thought that they should
be resolved. In truth, there are a ton of things I'll never resolve in
my life, but if I can get up in the morning and go to bed happy, that's
pretty good. That's where the relish comes in – when you can come to a
truth about your life, others, or your situation, that's exciting.
Rather than being adversarial with my clients or trying to push them in
a certain direction, if I can get them excited about something, we can
go far. One of the reasons clients hesitate to be this honest is they
don’t see how they can solve the problem. If you don't use truth as a
utility, it really takes the pressure off the performance and the client
can enjoy the conversation and truth as it occurs.
Susan: I think it's interesting. As a general rule, I've been afraid of
looking hard at the truth, but never really realized it. Until we had
this discussion, I never realized I hadn't looked for my truth before,
but thought there was just something to be fixed. Enjoying trying to
discover the truth about what I’m going through totally shifts and
changes the way I look at the events in my life.
TJL: There's a truth about a person, about you, about a situation -
maybe we have gifts we're not using. Maybe we're successful because of
X, Y, or Z. You might have noticed that when you bring up a particular
topic with a client, sometimes they just shut down. You can enjoy truth
a whole lot more if you don’t feel the pressure to have to do anything.
Some clients don't' want to tell you the truth they see because then
they have to make a change, and that's not the case. It's not the
utility of the truth that's important; it’s the joy and pleasure that
can come from articulating it. It's that level of curiosity about truth
that lightens the whole coaching process.
Susan: You do that a lot when you demo coach. When you ask questions
about why someone is doing something, it really shows.
TJL: When it's articulated, everybody breathes a little easier and the
solution becomes more evident. The truth is something so cool to find
out –that if you can look at it from that perspective, things will move
along much faster. When the truth is discovered, it's present and then
the strategy almost becomes obvious.
Susan: Can a client be honest with you and not be speaking the truth?
TJL: I look at them as two separate things. We like our clients to be
honest and tell their truth, but then beyond them, there's this thing
called THE TRUTH. There's a greater truth in almost every situation
that's far greater than you. Let's open this to a little discussion.
What are you sensing? What questions do you have?
Valerie: The difference between honesty and truth seems like a camera.
The wide angle seems like the truth, where the zoom is like honesty.
TJL: There's a truth about every dynamic - someone getting divorced,
someone being successful, and so on.
Valerie: Could it be not responding at all?
TJL: Yes. The perspective that truth provides will calm people down,
usually. A great example, maybe someone who was ADD thought they were
nuts. Now it's just like 'Oh, I have ADD' - it's not like I'm a wreck
any longer, but just a condition that affects people. It lightens people
up when the truth is available. Who else has a comment?
Bob: I think it's true that everybody bases their honesty on what they
see themselves as. If the coach discovers a truth that’s above that
honesty, then you can bring that up and attempt to relish it. If a
client doesn't want to, they're still seeing the truth, but not honesty.
Is that correct?
TJL: When a truth is discovered it generally leads to reorientation.
Sometimes it’s a re-definition, sometimes it's a rug-pull; it's a
matter of the magnitude. The skill here is to relish truth in general,
not just “A Truth.” You can start with one truth to get comfortable, but
on balance it’s useful to relish truth in the broadest possible
definition.
Bob: Does that mean that a coach has to relish the client's truth even
though it may not be the coach's perception of the truth about the
client? The client may be taking it as far as they can, but not as far
as the coach sees it.
TJL: Yes and that's where the 15th proficiency comes in - to respect the
client's humanity. There's also a time for this; it's all a matter of
timing. Certain times of the day don't even bother me with truth. The
truth about the 15 proficiencies is that ”timing is everything.”
Intuition can really guide the process. Thanks, Bob.
Valerie: One thing that occurs to me is that we would miss the point if
we would work now at relishing the truth. It's just something you do -
we shouldn't work at it. It is pleasurable. It is enjoyable.
TJL: Even the resistance you may be experiencing may be worth relishing.
Valerie: Just experience in general.
TJL Exactly. Most of us have our goals, objectives, ways of looking at
things and so on and that's all good and useful. Relishing the truth is
a whole different way of living. It's a more proactive approach.
Rob: It seems like we're assuming the ability to recognize the truth is
present before one can come to relish it.
Susan: Trying to relish it before you can see it?
Rob: Right.
TJL: I'm actually not sure which way to go with that, because to me, I
kind of see relish first.
Valerie: As a place to come from?
TJL: Yeah. To be ready for it, to relate with it in that way.
Susan: Almost in anticipation of discovery.
Bob: Or the difference between respond and react. If you respond by
relishing truth then that’s a general part of your nature. If you react
then you wait for truth to come about first.
Rob: I'm wondering if maybe it would help me to understand if we could
more clearly define ”relish.”
TJL: To take a keen or zestful pleasure in; to enjoy the flavor of -
that's pretty clear.
XXX: Is it like an a-ha moment, or is it not? How you respond to that
would be relishing?
Heidi: I think what it means to me is that the truth can be enjoyed as a
process also. Many times I tend to take the things that occur, and match
that with my experience. The way I understand you talking about the
truth is like a process of enjoyment- - just be there and have fun with
it.
TJL: I like it. I'm just trying to respond to Rob.
Rob: More in the abstract, if I don't have the wherewithal to notice the
truth and recognize it when it's in my presence, then I won't have the
opportunity to relish it.
TJL: With you personally or with a client?
Rob: Either one. I think sometimes that I don't stumble upon the truth
by myself...
TJL: Agreed. When you stumble upon it, what do you do with it?
Rob: I take a deep breath and pause - I guess you could call that
“relishing” it.
TJL: My guess is that there are probably a ton of truths that we don't
even recognize, so I think that the operative word here is “relish.”
When something comes up, rather than getting stuck in the reaction, say,
“I’m so curious about what the truth is; what is that?” When I do
something stupid or something breaks like a chair leg, I think, What is
that?” I'm just so curious about the truth in every event; and I like
that. Before, I was afraid of it, but now I actually have room and space
to want to change.
Rob: And what would be a distinction when a chair leg breaks and you ask
‘What’s the truth about that?’ versus 'What's perfect about that?'
TJL: Well, when the leg is broken, it's already perfect - it's a done
deal. I want to understand the whole dynamic of it, if you will. For
example, is it time for new furniture?
Judith: I'm feeling some resistance to this, so my question is with
regard to people who feel they have the truth. I may be more comfortable
with the word “clarity.” How do you distinguish between that and truth?
TJL: Getting clear on what though?
Judith: The truth!
Susan: This is a good place for the examples. I've had a philosophical
view of what the truth is and in my own mind, I put ”reality” under the
word “truth.”
TJL: When she's talking about clarity, I think she's talking about her
own clarity. It's often about their own experience with something,
rather than something beyond the event itself. Who wants to give me a
situation and we'll see if we can relish the truth of that?
Sue: Yesterday, there were a couple of events that really irritated me
and I called my coach to help me figure out why. Through that process I
found out the triggers. Would that be the truth?
TJL: Great question. Susan, your thoughts?
Susan: I would have to know the events.
Sue: There were a couple of calls around my business and I really got
irritated with how people were handling the problem. I realized I'd
really flown off the handle, so I called my coach to see how to handle
this. I realized I was disappointed in a person’s behaviour around the
issues.
TJL: So you found clarity then?
Sue: I found clarity and the source also.
TJL: So you got to the source of the problem, etc. That's a practical
utilitarian use of your coach. What was the final conclusion?
Sue: Irresponsible behavior by another person led to me responding in a
particular way.
TJL: And why do you react to people at all?
Sue: Honesty and truth, being responsible and this is a case where they
weren't responsible.
TJL: Why would that upset you?
Sue: Because it's an event that's going to be successful or not based on
the other person's degree of responsibility.
TJL: Okay. So you then found out the source of it. Is there a greater
truth - something that's bigger than you, the event, or the source of
the problem?
Sue: Well, part of it was not having to respond. I could confront the
person, but then I found out I didn't have to do anything.
TJL: And that's because you found out why you reacted. Well, one of the
truths in life is that it is possible to transcend all of your
reactions, either because you can afford them, or that whatever failure
would occur, you could afford. When I'm working with a client, I want
them to understand themselves a bit better as a by-product of
understanding the situation better. If I were working with you, I would
ask what you've discovered about yourself that's pretty amazing?
Sue: It's that responsibility and knowing that I didn't have to respond,
because I usually do and I was very irritated.
TJL: And you held back?
Sue: I did; and the pressure on my body was relieved, like this big,
heavy weight had been lifted in coming to that resolution in a small
picture.
TJL: So, in the future, how will you life be different because of this
awareness?
Sue: It gives me a handle on how to deal with people in this situation.
TJL: What does it tell you about you?
Sue: Honesty with myself is more important - what do I want to say?
Confronting them would not have created a good situation.
TJL: That's good – What about you, though?
Sue: I took charge...
TJL: That was historical, keep going.
Sue: I would have festered with it in the past.
TJL: That’s what you did. What becomes possible because you've had this
experience?
Sue: I now know how to handle these situations in the future.
TJL: The trick is why not leverage that one thing you did, expand it and
look to the future. What becomes possible because you had the
recognition?
Sue:, I'm still working on that one – working in my body and in my mind.
I find that it's with me as an awareness and I can't put words to it
right now.
TJL: Okay. You might have said something like, “I realize now I don't
have to react to other people - it's really their problem, not my
problem.” Or, ”You know, I've realized that I only want to hang out
with people who are responsible for the rest of my life.”
Sue: That did come out in the coaching, but I had forgotten it.
TJL: While it's about you, the truth of this is that we all have a right
and opportunity to choose the people who will make us feel good for the
rest of our lives and no one else gets to play. Thank you very much. Who
wants to chip in here?
XXX: What I heard is that you've learned your truth. The truth is that
you can make a choice - one that protects you and takes care of you, and
so you don't have to react.
TJL: That's good. The idea here is that it's not just true for her, but
it's true for humanity. That's where it transcends self-referencing.
Who else learned something?
Heidi: You find the truth by going deeper to the point where agreement
is not necessary anymore.
TJL: And what do you mean by agreement?
Heidi: What's true for me is what's true for myself. I have to go to a
place where it doesn't require my own approval or anybody else's.
TJL: Yes. It's a much more interesting game when it's beyond my truth.–
That's a good place to start, but the thrill comes when you recognize it
as the much larger situation. When you can tap into that, it's a much
richer experience. Anybody else?
Bob: The idea that honesty is your own reality. Over time, I've noticed
that we've redefined the word honesty as 'truth'. Each person has their
own honesty, but truth exists only universally. I think she was telling
you at one point that she heard the truth yesterday, but she is trying
to get it to fit her personally. I think that's part of coaching - you
have to allow them to get to that place.
TJL: I can't quite directly respond to the honesty thing. I think what
made it interesting was that when I was pushing Sue a bit, what becomes
possible when X happens. I wanted to tap into what now became true for
her that wasn't true until she had that first experience.
Bob: I think we all go away from a coaching session with a set of
questions that you're going to think about over the next week. Sometimes
you don't get it right away.
TJL: Rather than pushing or proving or convincing, the coach creates the
environment so the client can dig in and enjoy that moment. We can all
go on the hunt for truth, but it's the process of actually getting
excited.
Sue: Bob, I think you hit the nail on the head - it's like an incubation
process I'm going through.
Valerie: I like what Bob pointed to that relishing is the environment
for truth. That's an interesting way to look at it.
Rob: Relishing in anticipation of the truth presenting itself.
TJL: Which fosters the truth to pop up.
Rob: Right. And the awareness and ability to see it when it pops up.
TJL: Good. Who else wants to comment?
Bob: One of the things I've enjoyed about this whole series is how they
all weave together, that relishing the truth is just another part of the
whole process.
TJL: And each seems to support the other. It's a bit of a web in a good
way. Anybody else? Okay, we're going to do some more work on this. Thank
you all for playing today.
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