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Transcript of Training Call
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Coaching Proficiencies
Proficiency #10 - Shares What is There
April 1, 2002 - 1:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
TJL: Hi and welcome to the call; this is Thomas Leonard, with Susan
Austin. Today we're welcoming about 30 graduate school of coaching folks, to talk about
proficiency #10 - to share what is there. It takes a bit of courage to share everything
that's there. We share things that we may not have evidence for, or may have an inkling
of; this gives a tremendous value-added. I'm going to read the paragraph here in a moment,
and then I'd like you to share what you hesitate to ask the client, etc. (Thomas reads the
paragraph).
There are 3 parts to this: (1) share your inklings - that's more than intuition; (2) share
your observations - see, feel or hear; and (3) share what you are hesitant to share. It's
often those things that you might hold back on - that could be the one thing that could
accelerate the client. The key is to focus on inklings; they're more powerful than
intuition and can be the source of the most significant value added. The sooner we can
share it, the more valuable it can be.
If you are hesitant at all, why are you hesitant to share stuff? What's behind that?
Curt: Especially with inklings, I could be wrong and I don't want to
offend or upset the client.
TJL: Okay; what else?
Curt: I think it would tend to cause confusion rather than clarity.
TJL: Great; who else?
Ken: I want to avoid confrontation.
TJL: By that what do you mean?
Ken: It would upset them too much.
TJL: You're calling from Singapore, right? Is that a cultural thing?
Ken: Yes, I'm calling from Singapore; it is considered impolite to
confront people. You want to keep respect for them.
TJL: Yes - because respect is so important in the culture?
Ken: Yes, oh yes.
TJL: And what does respect mean?
Ken: You don't want to create anything that might be an affront to a
person.
TJL: Great; thanks very much. Who else?
XXX: Sometimes I second-guess myself too much.
TJL: And if it's about you, are you concerned that it might cloud the
client's focus?
XXX: I wouldn't want to give them an incorrect interpretation of
something.
TJL: You want to keep them the focus and if you share you inkling, it
might be about you and steer the client in the wrong direction?
XXX: Exactly.
TJL: Some clients will pay a premium to have your reactions shared;
sometimes when clients hire a coach, they want your reaction in addition to your focus on
their stuff. Anyone else?
Kelly: As I've been thinking about what could be a reason not to share
an inkling, it seems like everything comes down to breaking down the trust that's been
built to that point with the client.
TJL: So it's a matter of what you would share, or that you would share
it in an insensitive way?
Kelly: Both.
TJL: Good; anybody else?
Suzanne:
This is related to what was just said; I have the fear of sharing an
inkling that might make them feel that they're not saying the right things or whatever. I
wouldn't want them to discourage them from sharing by having less than positive inklings.
TJL: They might take to hear something you said and that might get in
the way of what they hired you for?
Suzanne:
Yes.
TJL: Okay; who else?
Laura: I'd be afraid I'd hurt the client's feelings if I was really off.
TJL: Okay; anyone else?
Donna: I'm for sharing inklings as long as I can phrase it in a way that
allows for clarification.
TJL: And it's been okay?
Donna: So far.
TJL: So, a lot of it's in the phrasing of it. Even if you want to
practice this proficiency all the time, it may not be appropriate, and you want to respect
the limits of the client. My experience is that you can share almost anything as long as
it's cleanly phrased. I actually try to prep my clients too by asking them how much room I
have to share things that I'm sensing? I do this at either the beginning of the coaching
relationship or even during the relationship. Give the client the right and the choice to
give you permission to do this stuff. Most actually like that and it's better than coming
out of left field. Also if you have some ways of introducing an inkling, let's go around
the room and just share that. For example, 'I have this thought that came to me; see if
this lands at all.'
In terms of how you'd phrase this in a single sentence - I just want to share something
that occurred to me; see if this rings true at all.' It gives them the freedom to do
something with it or not. Anyone else having some phrasing that works?
Donna: I just say something to the effect, 'I'm sensing something here;
let me know if I'm on target or way off base.'
TJL: Good; Susan?
Susan: I'll say something like, 'It seems to me….' and share what
I'm inkling. I don't always have the right language to share what I'm thinking; that's why
I don't share it a lot of times.
TJL: Okay.
XXX: In a case like that is it okay to ask a client to help you with the
words?
TJL: You could - it wouldn't be a problem - but the way I've seen it
work pretty well when you give a client a few sentences and see what they think about it.
Anybody else?
XXX: I say, 'Did you realize that…?' but, is that soft enough?
TJL: Good question. I usually use, 'Did you know…..?' which may be
a bit softer. Who else?
Sally: I guess I have to coach the way I liked to be coached; if I'm
sensing something, I'm just straightforward about it and just say it. I set that up with
my clients right away and feel if I hold back on that I'm not being true to my clients.
TJL: True; but the 15th proficiency in coaching is to respect the
client's humanity.
Sally: Oh sure, and I'm not aggressive in any way.
TJL: How do you know when to share it?
Sally: It's usually not impulsive, but it's more when there's something
that's there in our conversations, and I say 'Let me just hazard a guess…..'
TJL: Yes; that's great. So, we're going to get a couple of volunteers
here - give us a problem or dilemma you're facing. We're not going to coach you, but we're
going to 'inkle' together so it's pretty safe. It can be positive, negative, confusing,
etc. Who wants to volunteer for us? Give us the 2-minute version; everybody else take
notes and we'll share those thoughts, inklings, etc. after the person's finished speaking.
Ken: I'm in the middle of pulling a group of coaches together to create
an organization for corporate coaching. My intention is to make it a place where
professional coaches can get education, additional training, and so on. Recently I had a
meeting with them - one of them is a trainer who's still in school, and seems to have a
bad attitude/feeling. When I started giving them my take on this, they started to pull
away from this and started to divide into 2 groups.
TJL: I have a couple questions for clarification and then we'll have
people share their thoughts. You invited people to set up coach training?
Ken: I invited people t become part of a professional coaching group.
TJL: And when you brought the group together, there was a large
difference of opinion. And you were worried about whether they would take the information
and go with it?
Ken: Yes, and I want to reverse the trend. I believe it what it stands
for.
TJL: So you have a higher standard than most people have?
Ken: Right.
TJL: All right, that's the end of my question. Now, no questions to Ken;
just share the thing you're most afraid of sharing. Who wants to go first?
XXX: He sounds very tired; it's something he wants to do but….
TJL: And where do you get that from?
XXX: It's his tone, and just how tired he sounds.
TJL: Okay; we'll call that number 1. Who's next?
XXX: I'm afraid to talk about that something that's maybe my stuff,
which is that I'm pushing too hard instead of just being me. I'm feeling that instead of
putting any judgment around how he would like to see standards, just being an example
himself is striving to make a difference; also striving to have things the way they should
look.
TJL: All right. Number 3?
XXX: I think the fear might be interfering with having the openness
that's required to have a win-win situation. I think there's so much fear it's clouding
the creative process.
TJL: And you're sensing that it should be more of a collaborative
process, rather than trying to get folks to agree about the way it should be?
XXX: I sense that he's not fully engaged himself.
TJL: Okay; who's the next person?
Curt: I think the focus was on who's right rather than what's right.
TJL: And where do you get that from?
Curt: The language he used; just a vague feeling that the issue was
about being right or wrong.
TJL: Just to go with that, if you see something done and you don't like
the way it's being done, you can either get folks over to your side, or you can take a
leadership role and come up with some new standards. Am I reading that correctly?
Curt: Yeah, just the general feeling was that he came in with an idea of
what ought to be going down.
TJL: Interesting; who else?
Laura: You're not confident in your own abilities as a coach;
TJL: Don't give him advice; just share your thoughts.
Laura: Okay; I heard apprehension in his leadership skills and think he
might be worried about leading and controlling others to live out that vision.
TJL: And you used apprehension because?
Laura: That is more of a feeling of the emotion I received from him.
When he started talking about methods he might incorporate, his tone became more drawn
back and a little less confident.
TJ: Great; thank you. Okay, Ken - if you can speak to anything that
someone said, which one hit you hard in a good way?
Ken: I think they were all good, but I think the 2nd thing is probably
the most accurate. The last part about apprehension and leadership skills, though, just
'pinged' when I heard it.
TJL: And how will this help you, do you think?
Ken: I think they're looking at me to lead and I have a fear that I'm
not going to be able to control and lead. It's just losing my advantage, I guess.
TJL: Because people around you can leverage what you've got going better
than you can?
Ken: I guess that's part of it.
TJL: Okay; so it's almost that the leadership is being held back by your
entrepreneur-ism.
Ken: Yes.
TJL: Great; super. Any other volunteers?
Ann: I'd like to talk about pushing and striving and how that's part of
who I was and gets in the way some time. Things seem to be going in a particular direction
and then things go 'crash'. Then I start beating myself up over them.
TJL: So you say that you run in cycles and you want to even that out or
you want to disconnect that sort of thing?
Ann: Actually it's both. I was good at striving, but it's not working
anymore. I want to stop the striving and let it flow.
TJL: And what causes you to flow? What's the source of that?
Ann: The fear that I need to get in control.
TJL: Of …?
Ann: Achieving; making money.
TJL: Okay; so you made money in the past and now you're not?
Ann: It's conflicting with a new belief system.
TJL: And why are you using the 'be' versus 'do' thing?
Ann: Because it seems to be working.
TJL: Okay; we'll take it from there. Remember, I want you to orient your
comments about what you'd be hesitant to say to Ann.
Barbara:
I would be hesitant to say that the inkling I get is that Ann is
striving so hard not to strive.
TJL: That she's still striving? Okay, that was someone else's too?
Rob: Yes, I had that too.
TJL: Okay; anyone else?
Kelly: I would be afraid to say that she's in the position in her life
to sit back and enjoy things, but feels that she doesn't have enough money to do that. I
think there's conflict in doing that.
TJL: Great; anyone else?
Bob: I think underneath I would ask her about her goals or desires.
TJL: So you're saying it's not clear.
Bob: Yes.
TJL: She knows the feeling she wants to have, but the practical goals
don't support that?
Bob: Yes.
TJL: Great; who else?
XXX: I'm sensing that she doesn't have a lot of balance in her life; I
might not be on target with this, but I have a feeling that she's either got to work hard
or let go of her work altogether.
TJL: Good. Well said. Who's next?
Curt: The sense I had is that she might not be operating the way she
should be - it seems that she's trading one 'should' for another 'should'.
Okay; thanks, Curt. Who else? Okay, Anne, which one did you like and why?
Ann: Nearly all of them were 'bang-on'. There were some at the edge, but
the striving not to strive is an obvious one at the moment. The one that struck me the
most was the 'on-off switch'. I'll process that one; thank you.
TJL: Okay. Let's do a little debrief here; thanks to our volunteers. I'd
love to hear what you learned about this process for yourself.
Suzanne:
I really appreciate the more words that I have to use.
TJL: I got a lot of value hearing from both of the volunteers that the
inklings were pretty close to reality for them. That gives me confidence to go ahead and
let those inklings out.
XXX: Yes. There is that first period of time that you might be off a
bit, but it's good to let the client know you're new to this process as well.
XXX: I learned that there's no one right inkling; they were all
valuable.
TJL: You're never going to know which one is the right one, but the
purpose is to start talking. Who's next?
XXX: I like the idea of 'if it's there, it deserves to be shared'. I
continue to be amazed how we still have a hard time expressing our own opinion on this.
XXX: People value the observations we have; it's a huge plus we can
offer to our clients. Not many people will have the courage to share those inklings.
XXX: It's such a tremendous piece of communication.
TJL: And the more you do it, it becomes a natural way of communicating.
Who else learned something?
Ken: I got a lot out of the way people think - I also think I need to
get rid of the face-saving thing and do what I need to do.
Kim: I was taken with a lot of different inklings, and the ones that hit
the people it intended to were not the ones I thought would be. It really freed me to
think out of the box and share all my inklings.
XXX: You could actually share several and see which one lands on the
prize.
TJL: And even if none are right, it catalyzes the process of the client
thinking about that for him/herself. It's just not heavy. Who else?
Sally: When Anne shared, I thought I couldn't say anything because I
felt like she was speaking my words. It was helpful to listen in on what other people
responded. It just takes patience to be with that person rather than thinking about how
you're in the same situation. It was good to hear other people's responses.
TJL: Yes; anybody else? Great; thank you all for contributing.
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