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Transcript of Training Call
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Coaching Proficiencies
Proficiency #8 - Hones in on What is Most Important
March 27, 2002 - 8:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
Susan: Hi and welcome to the call; who's just joined us? (participants
check in)
TJL: Welcome to the call; this is coaching proficiency #8. My name is
Thomas Leonard; this proficiency is about honing in on what's most important to the
client. I'm going to be reading a blurb on this in a moment (Thomas reads the blurb). The
key distinction is here is the recent priority versus the preceding moment. Clients may
have hired you for a particular goal, but usually within a session or two, they've usually
changed the goal they want to work on.
Susan: Do the clients recognize that their priorities have changed or
does the client point that out?
TJL: Usually they recognize it, but you might want to clarify that and
discuss it with them. In this whole process, some clients may be changing the goal
repeatedly and that's a very different thing.
Susan: What do you do when they repeatedly change their goal?
TJL: If they change it more than once, it may be that I haven't heard
their goal correctly. I wait until I hear the resonance in their voice, but if they change
from that goal, it might just be a way for them to actually avoid growing and doing
something concrete. They just get scared; the trick of the coach is that we're not forcing
our clients to go backwards. It's tricky. It's a bit of an inexact science. Sometimes
clients will come to us with an external goal, and they may start there, but often, they
begin to focus on internal goals after a session or two. Sometimes they actually realize
they want to work on themselves.
Susan: Can you share some examples of how you hone in what's most
important?
TJL: There are a couple things there - obviously, you can ask questions.
I kind of press the client to be honest with me; I wait for it to resonate with me.
Sometimes, though, clients may not know what's most important. Part of what I do is broach
topics - bring up stuff the client isn't even thinking about. We can just point out that
they're not where they want to be.
Another way we can do it - sometimes when people can't reach the goals for themselves
because their needs aren't met. The client may want to change their goal, but the
underlying fact is that the new goal may not be met either, so we take a look at some of
the things in their lives and see if we can't get those needs met. Again, the client isn't
going to come to us with the needs, wants, integrity model in mind, but we have to put
some of that in place for success to become possible. It's partially what you're seeing
for the client, what they're seeing for themselves.
Susan: So you share what you think is most important?
TJL: I'll say something, but I'll also ask the question. Part of the
reason clients hire us is for our opinions. They're hiring us for that because they trust
us to be a third eye for them.
Susan: I think a lot of clients don't know what's most important to
them.
TJL: And until the person has defined success for them, life is a moving
target and success is a moving target. If you haven't found internally what's most
important to you, you're going to be affected by outside influences.
Susan: I'd like to see this one in action.
TJL: Sure; how would we do that do you think?
Rob: I'm not volunteering for the role play, but have a question. On a
couple older coaching models, the stance was not to ask the 'why' question because it
would put the client on the offensive.
TJL: 'Why' can put the clients on the offensive, but one of the coaching
proficiencies is to be curious. I think it's great to ask why questions; the more models
you have that you feel free to use, the better for you.
Barbara:
I would be willing to do a role play.
TJL: Great; if you wouldn't mind sharing something important to you,
we'll see what happens.
Barbara:
I have a situation that I'd like to learn to deal with differently. I'm known as a
sympathetic listener. Today, I had someone come over, and I've found that I'm no longer
interested in listening to some share negative thoughts. I don't know what to do to change
this.
TJL: And why is this important to change this now?
Barbara:
I don't like the feeling of being trapped; I don't want the feeling of negative energy
pouring over me.
TJL: And why did you do it?
Barbara:
I partly think it's because I want to be a sympathetic listener and a good person.
TJL: Why would you want to be labeled as such? To be accepted?
Respected?
Barbara:
To be liked, I think.
TJL: And now you don't need that as much?
Barbara:
I don't know. I think it's more of a priority for me to not feel trapped like that,
but… I think it's just awareness at this point. I kind of sit there glued to my chair
while this stuff is poured over me.
TJL: It's just not an environment they want to be subjected to.
Barbara:
Yes.
TJL: And how do they come to you?
Barbara:
It's pretty much family and friends.
TJL: You still don't want to do this anymore, though.
Barbara:
I'm at an age where I realize that life is short and want to do things that I enjoy, and I
don't enjoy listening to complainers.
TJL: And you think if you'll stop listening t complainers you'll have
more time and space to do what you want to do?
Barbara:
Yes.
TJL: And you're happy with that?
Barbara:
Yes.
TJL: Some people can work from I've got better things to do, or they can
know they want you to stop talking so they can do something more important, but they don't
know what that is. What would you rather be surrounded by?
Barbara:
I would rather be surrounded by people who are taking responsibility for themselves.
TJL: Do you know people like that?
Barbara:
They just don't come over very often.
TJL: And you're available during the day?
Barbara:
Not usually.
TJL: Have you thought about how you're going to re-educate them?
Barbara:
That's the quandary I have - is a matter of re-educating them, or is it a matter of me not
being available?
TJL: Without telling them why.
Barbara:
Yes.
TJL: Full disclosure's not a requirement in life. So you really don't
want to confront them?
Barbara:
I don't think I want to do that with the people I'm thinking of, mainly because they're
family.
TJL: How will you stop it from happening?
Barbara:
I guess part of it could be just the signals that I give back. When I sit there totally
available, I think that's encouraging them. One thing I could do would be to break eye
contact, or change the subject, or put my own stuff out.
TJL: One way I handle this to tell the truth without making them feel
bad - 'I've just had a bad week and can't handle hearing negative stuff today. I just need
some good news - could you tell me some?' You can re-direct people without telling them
it's about them.
Barbara:
That's great; thank you. I'm going to try this.
TJL: Any feedback on this?
Susan: I think you touched on something as far as looking at it from the
client's point of view.
Rob: I heard that you were asking for a more important environment she
might want to crate.
TJL: What I thought was most important wasn't to shut them up, but for
her to have some way to communicate what she'd like to do without having to force them to
change. Barbara, how was it for you?
Barbara:
I think you really did hone in on this for me; I have a certain amount of self-awareness,
but didn't know from a practical standpoint what to do.
Susan: I believe Barb; she was very believable in what she was saying,
so I didn't think there something was off. I think you were on the right track everywhere
you went.
Valerie: I think you honed in on what was most important in 2 ways - how
did you get into this situation and what do you want to do instead.
TJL: I think the more the person understands the dynamic, the more
successful this will be.
XXX: I think part of what was going on is that she's developed some
conflicting wants that have to be sorted out. How can you put that together and figure out
what's most important?
TJL: Great; thank you. We went to the situation for importance.
Marie: I had a great experience of using the micromodule on how you
define success. I've been working with a client, and after a couple of weeks, I had this
sudden thought and tried the defining success micromodule. She had this huge a-ha, and
then said, 'This feels much better'. This is a great tool for honing in.
TJL: Thank you.
Susan: I think sometimes we use that word 'hone' and think it's got to
be instantaneous, and that's not what we're saying.
TJL: I think it takes a while to find it.
Valerie: I think of the word 'hone' as going through layers.
TJL: Almost like a dog. Because there's a breeze that occurs, odors are
moving in a particular direction that's like a cone coming towards you, where it's wide
where you are. Dogs keep going until they stop smelling, almost making a ping pong ball up
the cone until they find it. Who wants to do another role play?
Marie: I will.
Susan: How about a goal she's had her whole life?
TJL: okay, what's your goal?
Marie: Losing weight.
TJL: Talk to me about it.
Marie: I've been overweight all my life and here I am, 55 years old and
am still overweight. I actually had a huge a-ha about this at the CoachVille conference. I
realized that if I re-framed this completely and asked myself what gives me the most
freedom right now. I have that insight, but I still have the goal to lose weight. Yet, I
haven't - I still don't quite get it.
TJL: Why is losing weight so important to you?
Marie: Well, the end result is important; it would improve the quality
of my life in numerous ways.
TJL: Yes, but if you've been overweight your entire life, sometimes
people develop a relationship with the struggle and that's as interesting to them as
losing the weight.
Marie: Yes - I've done some work on this issue, but even understanding
that, I'm still stuck.
TJL: It's almost like you have to win this one. I would say that I may
never lose this weight.
Marie: That is an appalling thought.
TJL: Yes, but it may be true.
Marie: Yes, you're right.
TJL: My basic premise of life is that we do what we do because we have
nothing more compelling to do. My guess is that winning the battle of the weight is the
most compelling thing you have going on - not being thin, but engaging in the battle. What
may be most important here is to re-design your relationship with struggle and forget your
weight for a while. Maybe your entire operating system needs to be re-done.
Marie: Okay.
TJL: Maybe they just get their energy from the fight.
Marie: I couldn't argue with that at all; then the goal isn't about
losing weight, but the goal is about having the source of my energy be something cleaner.
TJL: Maybe it's about not having any goals.
Marie: You are completely right on; I've been going through another one
of your courses and this came up. It made sense intuitively, so the dynamic makes perfect
sense to me. So then the goal is to have no goals - to just flow with life?
TJL: I would say, I'm not going to have any goals. I realized about 5
years ago there are things I'm just not going to resolve and I've just left them by the
side of the road. Giving them up might be a very hard thing to do, but it might just be
the best thing.
Susan: I think the gift you just gave her is more than any practical
thing you could've come up with.
Marie: When something like this comes up and bops me on the head, I
think that's the universe trying to tell me something.
XXX: We seldom do things without getting something back for it, and I
find it valuable to ask myself that.
TJL: Who learned something from this?
Mary Jo:
I think this helped me to see honing in on what's most important - I
have a feeling that I would know how to do that, but it's combined with some of the other
coaching skills. I don't know how to articulate it, but I think that's where you going to
get to the root of it.
TJL: Great; who else?
Susan: This was great, but how do you do it? I get the concept, but I
don't get the how.
TJL: Twenty years of experience. I guess there's just something - when
someone's been working on something for a lifetime, I think it's just time to give up; I
happen to believe that to be true. Then, when they've been struggling with something for a
long time, they're getting almost into an adversarial relationship with their body. You
wouldn't know that unless you had awareness of that dynamic. Susan and I talked with some
other folks about setting up a 'Wisdom Set' and get some background on how a particular
dynamic happens to work - some stuff that coaches know that hasn't been compiled yet.
Susan: I totally agree, and I do get that you landed on what is most
important; I just want to get an ability to do that with my clients.
TJL: If they're struggling with what's most important to them, that's
where I want to go - how they're being with it. Does that make sense?
Susan: Yes, thanks.
Barbara:
I know what you're asking because I want to ask the same thing; there
was a point early on in the role play when Marie said something jokingly, but came up with
it. How did you know that?
TJL: By how she was being with the problem.
Rob: What I heard Thomas doing too was honing in on what was
unsaid.
TJL: That's extremely well said. Anybody else?
XXX: When you do this in a coaching session, would you bring it up or
would you just wait until it came up?
TJL: I would bring it up.
XXX: Would you continue to hone in on it, then?
TJL: I would press; if you don't, it can be buried pretty quickly. I
want her to tell me how she's changed because of it. She may not want to proceed with it,
but based on how she's wrestling with it, she's going to need to work on it.
Valerie: I'm thinking back to how you do this, is part of what you did
rather than sniffing the topic, you actually looked at that as the breeze or the symptom?
It keeps reversing in my brain.
TJL: Again, I come from the place that what the client is saying isn't
the most important. Thank you very much all, for being on the call.
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