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Transcript of Training Call
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crafted)
Coaching Proficiencies
Proficiency #7 - Recognizes Perfection in Every Situation
March 27, 2002 - 7:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
Susan: Welcome to the #7 proficiency call; who's joined the call?
(participants check in)
TJL: Hi and welcome to the call; this is Thomas Leonard with Susan
Austin. This is coaching proficiency #7 - I'm going to read the blurb that goes with it
and then we'll have a conversation about several things: the word "perfect", the
word "discover" and - . (Thomas reads the blurb). The key distinction here is
responding versus reacting.
Susan and I came up with a couple of key points - one key point is the word
"recognize". You need to be sensitive about it, and there's no compelling reason
to share this with the client. If the client is having bad news, maybe it's opening up
another possibility that wasn't there until this occurred. Then, there's the word
"perfect" - being without blemish, perfectly suited to its use according to the
dictionary. If I look through my day and something bad happens, I'm able to look at how
perfect that is - maybe it's trying to make a substantial change, maybe it's a singular
sign to go in another direction. Again, you can't prove that Nazi Germany was perfect in
terms of being ideal, so some of the stuff you can't prove in real life, but it is a
powerful place to come from. It doesn't mean that life is ideal, it just IS.
We're going to ask a couple of questions here. Who's been able to make that transition in
their life? Who's made some progress over the past couple of years to move toward this
place?
Kim: I actually had accomplished this early in my life; I lost my mother
at age 15, but one of the powerful things that came out of that was how I could look at
events in my life and have them motivate me in a powerful way. I've had some
disappointments and failures, but I try to look at how that can help me.
TJL: And if you weren't able to work through this in that way, what
would've happened?
Kim: Sometimes people withdraw into themselves when negative events
happen; sometimes they turn to avoidance and use drugs or whatever. It was interesting to
me that I internalized it, but drew something positive from it.
TJL: Some people feel everything is cast in a negative light; if a
person hasn't gotten their arms around this notion, they won't be able to make the most of
events as they occur. Who else has made this shift over their lifetime?
Heidi: It's in process. I've been divorced for 6 years, and I just
realized recently that this can't be fixed - he'll always be part of my existence. I
always wanted to learn the lesson; now I can focus on something happy.
TJL: So you're saying recognizing perfection is different than looking
for the lesson in an event?
Heidi: Yes; I find it annoying when somebody tells me that something is
hurting because you're supposed to be learning a lesson. It gives me freedom to feel what
I feel.
TJL: Without having to dig in and try to find out anything?
Heidi: Yes, and finding an alternative for it made the difference for
me.
TJL: Something better to do than get stuck in the mire of that?
Heidi: Yes.
TJL: Well said. Who else?
Freda: For me, finding the perfection in the situation is like having
comfort in reality and having a calmness to reflect from. It takes the power out of the
difficult situation.
TJL: What happened before?
Freda: Overreaction. I see it in my son. It's in contrast to what his
view of reality should be, and I understand that, but more and more I have the comfort
that this is the reality and I can choose. It's not necessarily about working through it,
as much as it is accepting it and going from there.
TJL: Thank you for that. About a decade ago, I was ripped off in my
opinion. Now, I realize that even though it was a negative event, it was the opportunity
for me to create something called Coach U. I ask myself, 'Where is the perfection in
this?' and that puts me in a discovery mode.
Susan: I totally agree with you, but how does this affect your coaching?
How does this affect how you coach your clients?
TJL: Whenever the client is seeking and something is negative is
happening, I always want to know how that is perfect. It benefits in several ways - every
time something negative happens, it just gives you a chance to build more muscle up for
dealing with these things. After a client shares bad news with me, I commiserate and
empathize, but casually weave in the fact that perhaps it's a request to make a
significant change in their life and ask them what that might be. It's better to do that
than say, 'Well, that's perfect.' One of my basic assumptions in life is that life comes
at us as a series of messages; if we miss one when it comes in, it eventually turns into
our problem or crisis list. We weren't paying attention when it came in across our door to
begin. Often when a crisis happens, it's been brewing for a long time. Businesses don't
just go under overnight, for example. They say when you're a recovering alcoholic and you
go for that drink, something happened the day before or the week before to push you to
that point. Often if you look at the chain of events, you can find where it all started,
and that's part of beginning to take responsibility for it.
Susan: I think as coaches, we have a tendency to want to fix that
problem and make it go away.
TJL: Again, the key distinction is rather than have you react, you want
to respond. I've seen a lot of coaches who, when the client is having a problem, they
can't be with that problem for more than a second - they have to jump in and make a
difference. They don't have the capacity or freedom to just be with the problem.
Valerie: I'm thinking one of the benefits to the clients is an
accelerant - they're going to spend less time in the activity and less time viewing it as
a crisis.
TJL: Yes, but how can you get them to that place?
Valerie: I was thinking about how that benefits the client.
TJL: Oh yeah, the client! (laugh)
Rob: If the coach is building that muscle not to just react, is the
coach also looking for what muscle the client can build up?
TJL: Maybe the muscle of self-responsibility - at some point in the
universe, if something happens, they caused it. What else do you think - what other muscle
do you think a coach could help a client strengthen?
XXX: Resourcefulness.
TJL: Yes. I think we're all being prepared for something much bigger in
our life as humans, rather than just surviving. Resourcefulness is a way of creative
problem-solving, for example. If you look at television - I think it's become so popular
because it's gotten us used to the interaction of using personal computers. On balance I
think it's helped us do much better with the PC. There may be things we're not going to
know are true for 20 or 50 years, but it still happens. I think the benefit to the coach
is that they're coming from a higher place; they're still coming from a positive place,
but don't feel the need to do something immediately.
Rob: I wonder if the muscle the coach might help the client with is just
seeing the perfection in the moment.
TJL: Again, we should probably just ask the client directly. That way
you can put the burden on them to look for it. you know there is, but maybe the client
can't find it. I think it challenges the client to do something with their frustration or
disappointment.
Rob: Could you clarify - are you saying the coach has a choice?
TJL: You're coming from the place that it's perfect, and you're coming
from curiosity.
XXX: I think you just hit upon a key point. I think when there is a
crisis, there is so much energy there, and they can just go into reaction. If they could
use some of that to change things and grow, that would be powerful.
TJL: And it's not been done to most people before, so there could be a
reaction to that. At some point I bring up the fact that I'm wondering if there's
perfection in there somewhere.
Susan: I think it may also help - I can see perfection in things that
happened to me in the past, rather than in the moment. If anyone had shown me that it was
perfect that my husband left me, I would've hit them.
Valerie: What could someone have said in that worst moment that wouldn't
be annoying?
Susan: That's a good question. I don't know if I was in a place where I
could've handled anything.
TJL: That's a good point.
Susan: Maybe the perfection in that moment was what I was feeling was
okay.
TJL: Well said. We're implying that accepting and finding what was
perfection was more important. Maybe you could do a trial balloon with your clients.
Again, the key word here is 'recognize' - it doesn't say 'share'. It's optional if you
want to share it, but if you see it, it might guide your coaching very well. Anybody else
have any questions about this one?
Heidi: I think there are situations when the coach and the client have a
conversation about something they shouldn't have a conversation about. It was empowering
for me, for example, to see the coach to be willing enough to apply themselves to my
problem.
TJL: Rather than jumping in and trying to coach you.
Heidi: What comes up for me when I go through drama, I know that
everything I have created. I just want to stay with someone long enough so that I can
become flexible too. I think 'recognize' is the real power here. The process of looking
for it becomes like a play, and lightens it up so much.
TJL: Anybody else have a question or see something useful in this?
Valerie: It's a really subtle thing here to not use this proficiency to
try and fix something. When my cat died, it really shook me physically; it was just very
visceral. What was perfect about that was that I was able to open to the experience and
just let it wash through.
TJL: And if we aren't going to be able to multi-task and also
concurrently both recognize and make the most of it - I think traditionally it's been
either or, or sequential. I'm wondering if, as we become more complex as humans, we won't
evolve and be able to handle that situation?
Rob: Is that identifying maybe a new muscle that's forming in the human
condition?
TJL: I look at how I used to react to things earlier in my life. Now,
even when I'm totally frustrated by something, I can actually say, 'How is that perfect?'
Now, I'm much more able to move through things more quickly.
Susan: It's not always about making the best of the situation, or is it?
I think a lot of what we're saying is that recognizing perfection in any situation allows
us to make the best of it.
TJL: Great question.
Freda: For me, maybe experiencing the situation is the perfection.
TJL: Not in my life! (laugh)
Valerie: Sometimes that's when I see the perfection in either my life or
my client's.
TJL: I want to have that experience, but I want to make the most of it.
Valerie: If you're able to stay conscious during it and able to
entertain other thoughts, you're…
TJL: I'm actually enjoying the sourness of the lemons, and I can enjoy
making lemonade. Both can happen concurrently, and I think that's a skill that many people
are building.
XXX: Possibly we could have multiple experiences out of a situation.
XXX: John Maxwell has an interesting concept - most of us train for
success, but maybe we should be training for failure.
TJL: If you're a European and your business fails, you've besmirched
your family name for generations, but here in the US if your business fails, it's like a
badge of honor.
Susan: Some of my greatest failings have been some of my greatest grows.
I just don't have it in my to walk around and look for more failure.
TJL: If we can afford the risk, the failure has less of a negative
impact, but can still carry tremendous lessons. I think in the old days, pain was a
guidance for awareness. I think we're getting more sophisticated as humans and don't have
to use pain for awareness to grow.
Valerie: So we could help our clients expand by asking how they could
fail more.
Heidi: I think it's a lot about how resilient you are. The ability to be
flexible that I've gained will stay with me.
TJL: But could that have happened some other way without the repeated
failures?
Heidi: I hope so!
TJL: In summary, what have we learned here about this proficiency?
Rob: well, that it's very complicated and sometimes simple too.
Heidi: What I learned is that it's a fairly passive process and I'll
have to look for words to say when I want to be with a client. I think this needs to be
done gently; like giving the other person the power that everything is okay - the rest of
it will come out anyway.
Kim: I think it's about building an awareness with your client to choose
the experience that's empowering.
TJL: Good, Kim. Who else?
Susan: For me, I think the biggest thing is that it's okay to share it
with your clients in such a way you don't come from the wrong place. There's an art to
doing this.
TJL: Thanks. Valerie?
Valerie: I'm incubating now.
TJL: I think I learned that it's about recognizing perfection - it's a
respect level, not just a forcing of perfection. Thank you all for being on the call!
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