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Transcript of Training Call
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Coaching Proficiencies
#4 - Enjoys the Client Immensely
March 25, 2002 - 5:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
TJL: Hello; who's joined us? (participants check in). This is Thomas
Leonard, along with Susan Austin. This is our 4th coaching proficiency out of 15. Susan
and I will be talking about what this means; we're going to be spending most of the time
teasing out this topic. Susan, you and I were talking about this earlier.
Susan: Sometimes there can be a need to provide great value and have
them move forward. It shows up in that sometimes you make the client bigger than the issue
itself.
TJL: When I first became a client, I wanted to be at work within 10
seconds! I've also found that there's a warm-up period before you begin - just to
re-orient to the environment, if you will. Not every client needs 3 to 5 minutes, but some
do. There's a real feeling shared when you truly enjoy the client. It may sound simple to
do, but a lot of coaches get caught up in the 'value added in 29 minutes or less'
approach.
Susan: I tell my coach that she enjoys me when I'm being my most
neurotic. It's very freeing when you get that your coach enjoys all parts of you, not just
your good parts.
TJL: And to enjoy your neuroticism, I actually have to enjoy mine.
Again, this is going to be kind of a Q&A session - is there anyone who's made the
transition successfully, and if so, how did you do it?
Mary Jo:
I'm going to step out a bit, and just say this - I have a client who I
know normally I wouldn't be drawn towards; a lot old-school thinking, as a matter of fact.
I evaluate all the time, and I've been hearing so much through CoachVille that to be a
good coach, you need to appreciate and enjoy your clients, so this was the perfect
opportunity for me. So, how did I do it? I took myself out of judgment; I completely
removed my preconceived ideas about right and wrong.
TJL: And how did you do that?
Mary Jo:
I just started to become aware - as soon as I realized that was the way I could enjoy
them, I started to become aware, and started to put a lot of thought into the behaviors
that I'd displayed. That allowed me the freedom to accept him exactly the way he was, and
then I started to enjoy him.
TJL: That's a pretty big step. I think too, the challenge is not only to
enjoy the client immensely, but also be honest, intrusive, and fearless. One place I come
from is that every one of us is doing our absolute best at any given time, especially when
it's clearly evident that we're not. It's not like you're going to be a passive coach, but
there's a certain level of relating that can be vague. I think you can be a very effective
coach by letting go of some of the traditional roles in which you find yourself. Has
anyone else made the shift?
Heidi: What happened for me was that I finally realized that I had no
clue how to coach, that I really didn't know what I was doing - but I do know how to love,
and I used that to start a conversation going. I instantly saw that it works, and I just
keep on doing it.
TJL: That's great, Heidi. Often just that enjoying can free that client
to move forward immensely.
Jan: This is so reassuring to me to know that other people think this is
important as well. There's a part of me feeling like I have to solve all the problems, and
that was discouraging me a bit, but it's reassuring to know that this is one of the core
qualities.
TJL: Yes, and if you start with that, whatever you add on top of that,
it's going to be from the right place.
Rob: I find that I really enjoy my clients when I'm just genuinely
curious and enjoy the discovery with my clients.
TJL: And the opposite of that would be….?
Rob: Just asking too many questions, probing too deeply, and so on. as I
learn and discover more about them and who they are, the satisfaction is the discovery of
learning more about the person.
TJL: And that's contagious as well. The fundamental distinction is to be
interested, rather than being interesting. Anybody else who's made that transition?
Susan: I've actually done this with a client I was frustrated with. I
tried this for a month, and I started to enjoy her as a person and the coaching just went
to a whole other level. when I pulled back from the coaching, she ended up doing way more
than I would've asked her to do.
TJL: Sometimes a client begins to experience performance anxiety; they
just begin to resist. By being this way, you actually begin to disarm that; it's just a
cool place to be when you're coaching. If you're working with high-end clients, they need
that more than anyone. What happens when you come across a situation with a client where
you just can't enjoy the client anymore?
Rob: when I find myself not enjoying the client, it seems to be when the
client expects me to do either all the work, or at least more than they're doing.
TJL: And what causes that?
Rob: I don't enjoy working so hard; it drains my energy, rather than
rejuvenates it.
TJL: Let's look at that - there are times when I do all the work in a
coaching relationship, and there are times where I do none of the work in the
relationship. What do you mean by doing all the work?
Rob: It's where the responsibility of results gets shifted.
TJL: Okay, that's clearer. What do you do when that happens?
Rob: When I recognize it, I might just flip it back with a question to
the client.
TJL: Here's an idea - when the client is putting something on me to
perform, I actually kid them about it. Even after I recognize they snookered me, I give it
back to them in a fun way.
Rob: That's great with the humor. I think that gives a freedom and makes
the space that much bigger.
TJL: Great; who else has an example?
Heidi: When I feel that I cannot engage with them. Either there's a
mismatch going on, or they're done coaching with me.
TJL: You know, coaches evolve pretty quickly, and most clients - because
they're not in the same levels of environments - move much slower. It took me a long time
to enjoy that glacial pace that clients seem to move on; it's almost the ability to enjoy
the rapid pace of your development, and still enjoy the seemingly slow pace of their
development. It took me a while to get to that place, though. Who's made the transition to
enjoying the pace your clients are operating in?
Bob: I think I'm still in the learning process for that. I have clients
that I thought would never say yes to anything; I've learned to accept that they're
mulling it over in their mind, and that's okay. For me, at least, that's an ongoing
process.
TJL: So right now it's okay, but it's not yet a source of pleasure.
Bob: It's okay, but I think it's a small source of pleasure. Now I have
the freedom to let them be themselves.
TJL: And what's left in terms of your transition?
Bob: Getting used to it, for one thing. I've done it one way for so
long, that it's taking me a while to get used to doing it any other way.
TJL: Good point. I think one of the measures that you've made it in this
area is when you get a thrill when the client has made even an incremental change, because
you know how important that is to them. Another thing is that some clients are tortoises
and some are hares; there are different styles of moving forward. With some clients, you
can plant a seed and it seems there's no movement for like a year. What you haven't seen,
though, is while that seed was planted, it was working on establishing a huge root system
before it popped through the dirt.
Valerie: It's like bamboo - you nurture it and cultivate for several
years, and then all of a sudden, it shoots up very quickly because it spent those years
developing an enormous root system. I think also sometimes being in a very stimulating
environment like we are and then moving to work with clients, you sometimes wonder,
'What's wrong?' I'm glad you mentioned the point about clients moving slower than we do.
TJL: The other thing I've learned along this path - I was taking a class
around 10 years ago, and the leader was conducting it in such a way, 'Well, what is that?'
We all do things, and our clients do things, that may frustrate or annoy us, but by using
the curiosity proficiency, rather than forcing them back or forcing more on that, you draw
them out. Rather than reacting to their reaction, you just go into the curious mode. It's
lighter, and you enjoy them rather than getting pushy with them. There's just a certain
lightness about given foibles.
Valerie: I appreciate so much your naming this particular proficiency.
One thing I really like using it for - you were talking about commiserating with the
client earlier - is that if I just enjoy the place that they're stuck, they can be heard
in that place and it helps move them forward. It's where you're really acknowledging it,
but yet not giving into it.
TJL: When a person gets oriented this way, it just comes out in the tone
of their voice. Any other comments?
Gail: I'm enjoying this so much. I really enjoy the discussion about
putting down roots. I also come from the place that everybody is a mirror for me. Hearing
this whole conversation just reminds me again that I need to just lay back and appreciate
my clients for who they are.
TJL: And how do we reconcile the notion of enjoying the client
immensely, and still relishing truth, and being as honest and direct as we can? Is there a
conflict? How do you reconcile doing both?
Gail: I think it's the tone and the way you do it. There's an attitude
you have when you approach them, and they can tell it.
TJL: Okay; anybody else?
Bob: I'm just trying to think of any other profession that could make
such a claim. The truth is there aren't many other professions where you can just enjoying
having the client. I think that's a real unique coaching skill.
TJL: Great point, Bob.
Bob: I think that's something that as we grow as coaches, it'll grow
even more. I think we'll be known as the profession that enjoys their clients.
TJL: As long as we have the other ones to back up the value-add….
Curt: Seeing perfection in the situation, I think, really adds to this
one. I think that's really enjoyable.
TJL: And where does that come in?
Curt: Just knowing where you are on the map; you're not lost.
TJL: So if you can see the perfection in the situation, you can afford
to enjoy the client?
Curt: Bingo!
Valerie: If you're really enjoying the clients, they almost find their
own value.
TJL: And how do they do that?
Valerie: I don't know, but it just seems to work.
TJL: Is that because when you're enjoying them, it implies or includes
sacrifice on your part?
Valerie: I wonder if it just moves them to a place where they understand
and can enjoy where they're stuck….
TJL: So, us being that way with them, allows them to enjoy it
themselves, and that frees up the stress point. Great. Who else?
Heidi: I think about the things that I love and enjoy about myself. I
think those are precisely the things that I need to integrate, not make go away. When I
integrate those things, I grow and become stronger. I've been teaching a client to use her
email for 3 months, for Pete's sake, and for her, every step is wonderful. It was so
energizing for me!
TJL: Wow - this is more profound than I thought it was. I know when I
first crafted these, this was not one of the 15. I put it back in when I realized how
different my coaching was on this level.
Suzanne:
Another thing, if a client feels accepted, they're more likely to allow
themselves to be more vulnerable and tell the truth.
TJL: Well said; and how do you explain this to the traditional coaches
who are doing the cattle-prod routine? Those styles are all coaching as well, but how
would I explain myself to them?
Valerie: What if it's not about stopping those other things, but adding
the enjoyment?
Bob: I ditto what she said; it's about giving them the opportunity.
TJL: Okay, okay, I got it! (laugh)
Susan: With no guile at all! (laugh)
TJL: Yes - who else?
XXX: What if the client ventures into an area that's against my values -
what do I do?
TJL: Can you give me a specific example?
XXX: Sure; I had a client who started bragging about his war exploits,
and I'm really a pacifist. I tried to stay in the moment, but I also found myself
recoiling from him at the same time.
TJL: That's a great example. It's not just about enjoying, but it's also
about putting boundaries about what you will talk about and what you won't. Something
like, 'That topic isn't my strong suit, can we focus on something else? I'm just not up
for that particular conversation.' Is that helpful at all?
XXX: Yes, very much so.
TJL: You have a right to protect yourself from something that would harm
you in the spiritual sense. We have a couple of minutes left - what did you get out of
this and how do you think it's going to improve your coaching?
XXX: I learned the way to increase your enjoyment is to be able to
articulate the conversation.
XXX: I liked the part about telling the client that this is where I want
the conversation; I think that's empowering.
Rob: I've learned about how just enjoying the moment can create some
great space.
TJL: Yes; who else?
Heidi: I think coming from a place of enjoying the client is empowering
for everyone involved.
TJL: Anyone else?
Bob: I think it's part of the evolution of our society. We talk bad
about the enjoyment of another person, and I don't know why.
TJL: Well said. Thank you all for the hour; enjoy your afternoon!
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