DB: Dave Buck!

TJL: And….

Susan: Susan Austin!

TJL: We'll be conducting the first part of the call, which is on becoming reaction free. This is a topic near and dear to me. I've generally be a reactive person my entire life. We'll be talking about how to become a person who is truly reaction free, and that's a pretty bold place to come from. Part of this process is that we'll talk about 3 steps to become reaction free, as well as some of the truths around that process. The whole point is - could it be possible that you could become reaction free? Dave, what's one of the first truths?

DB: First, it's natural to react. It's a human tendency to react t things, so the first thing is just to understand is that it's a natural part of being alive.

TJL: So if someone pulls in front of you, or you're reacting because you've lost a client - that's normal. It's part of our survival mechanism and we're built to survive.

Susan: Is it unnatural to try to become reaction free, then?

TJL: Yes. One thing that's true also about humans is that we're evolving. We're learning how to become more complex beings, which will eventually transcend the natural survival mode. Until psychology was around, we didn't understand that much about the human mind. Coaching also helps people understand how to grow and evolve to get what they want. It's not natural because it's so new, but I say it's possible.

DB: While reacting is natural and a survival instinct, life is becoming easier and easier to survive. Just a few hundred years ago, survival was still a little in doubt. Perhaps now that we don't have to spend so much bandwidth on surviving, we can use some of it to pursue living a bigger life.

TJL: Yes, and the 2nd truth is that we're now getting enough reserves and safety to actually think becoming reaction free might be possible. You can actually rise above and understand the nature of the project. A lot f reasons people are fearful is that they literally cannot afford the consequences of the event. The same with having more money; with prosperity, that does provide comfort as well and allows you to focus on more interesting things as well.

Obviously, we react for a couple of reasons - we're interested in protecting ourselves, for one. Also, it's important to recognize that people react because they need that reaction. I would consciously cause situations that would cause friction so I could react, and use that as a source of energy.

Susan: How did you get over that?

TJL: I'm not over that yet! The point is that I'm getting over it - being reaction free isn't about being above it all, but simply about creating other sources of energy. as one finds other ways to get that job done, they don't then need the useful but expensive sources of energy. Does that answer your question?

Susan: Yes.

TJL: We're going to talk about the 3 steps now. The first step is to notice the 10 things you react to most. Let's start with you Dave. What are some things you react to?

DB: One thing is that if I think someone's not being treated fairly, I get upset; I really react. I always come to the cause of the underdog, and that's a reaction. I don't think about it first, but just automatically react. That's one thing.

TJL: How do you know you're making progress - or are you?

DB: When you realize you're in a situation you would've reacted to, and you don't react. In the past, if I were late somewhere, I would react. Now, I'm just late, and I don't even have the whole thing in my body, I'm just late.

TJL: How did you get there?

DB: Just from practice and awareness. The reaction was costing me more than just being late by itself.

Susan: I've done this and I've noticed I've started reacting to my reaction!

DB: And that's fine. Once you get into that game, it gives you something to work. You can then look at reacting. I think there is a process when you can just filter, and then you just don't react anymore. Your survival instincts just kick in.

TJL: And it may take 6 months or a year to work through it, but once you get this muscle activated…. I found my reactions over this one particular issue getting far less each time.

Susan: When I polled the group on this, the biggest things people seem to react to are family members. What do you do about this? Never be around your family.

TJL: Yes - I actually have a 1-hour limit. I've tried and tried, but just couldn't transcend the issues, whatever the reason. My parents are great people, but I get uncomfortable around them for a long period of time. I wrestled with this forever - I email them, talk to them once a month on the phone, but only visit them once every couple of years. I want to wake up happy and go to bed happy, and that's the best way I've found to handle it.

DB: That's the re-design technique. You can try transcending, but if you can't, re-design.

TJL: And that's the 3rd step - how can I grow as a person, or how can I re-design this so it doesn't come up? There's going to be a sense of loss sometimes, but….

DB: There's this idea that we, as coaches, can transcend anything, but we can't always transcend everything, so sometimes we need to re-design. I have a hunch that as you do re-design things, there may be some things you can then transcend.

TJL: Well said.

Susan: The 2nd step is figure out why you're reacting. Could you talk about that?

TJLL: Yes. When you catch yourself reacting, that's just another step in the right direction. When you can get your arms around that, ask yourself why? One thing that's helped me a lot is that I'm curious about why I act the way I do. I want to figure out why I'm reacting - is there a lack of awareness? Am I not being honest about something? Right or wrong, it's certainly an important thing to know. Any final comments?

Susan: I like that you're not making us wrong for having a particular reaction, but then when we start noticing them, we can use that as a stepping stone for becoming reaction free.

Again, it's a fairly bold statement, but as we evolve, we are really re-defining what it is to be human, and that's the exciting part of this. Thanks Dave and Susan. That concludes the first part of this.

(moment of silence)

TJL: We're still live and still being taped. I'd like to turn it over to the other folks on the call.

Barbara:
Could you re-define the truths again?

TJL: It's natural to react. As humans we're evolving beyond reaction, now that life isn't as dangerous. Then, awareness can disappear a reaction.

Barbara:
Thank you.

TJL: Great; one thing that helps with being late is letting people know that every time you schedule something, you'll be late.

XXX: Okay, you're bringing up a reaction!

TJL: That's a start. What happens is that by telling the truth about it, the person can't live with it anymore. Most clients don't want to make that admission, and that's a way to transcend this.

XXX: I think there are a lot of people that have family issues, and I really think what you said is often the only way. They know how to push our buttons.

TJL: Again, I tried for years, decades to move through it. I just realized I was spending too much time trying to work through it, and they've accepted it. We have some great conversations now.

Susan: When Dave mentioned that he saw someone doing something, I react to the person….

TJL: Do you know why?

Susan: Generally, it's when the other person won't or can't respond to them. I want to step into that role.

TJL: So you're not complete with that yourself?

Susan: Probably not, no.

TJL: And part of the transparency is to understand why you're reacting.

Susan: Is it all reactions or negative reactions we're trying to transcend?

TJL: I didn't make this clear, but I'm assuming a reaction is negative. A response would be something positive. Who's next?

Sally: I was thinking back on the being late. People would always get angry, and I finally figured out that they might not have been angry, but hurt. That really affected me, and now I really try to be n time?

TJL: What made the difference?

Sally: When I figured out that the last thing I wanted to do was hurt someone's feelings.

TJL: Great story; anyone else?

Sonny: Could you state the 3 steps again?

TJL: Sure; (1) notice the 10 things you react to most; (2) figure out why you're reacting to those; and (3) decide you're either going to transcend it or re-design it.

Laura: I've noticed how much my reactions are physical at certain times during the month; sometimes I find that I become extremely reactive over nothing, and it's tough to pull myself out of that. Do you have any thoughts on that?

TJL: I don't experience that myself, but when we're under the most stress or exposed, it might be that you could look at even though it's justified, wouldn't it be cool if I didn't react?

Laura: Wow - everything else would be easy; I've never thought about it that way before.

TJL: Great; anybody else?

XXX: I know that women often react because we want to be helpful, or take away pain.

TJL: Yes, and some people have defined it as women are built to be good, and men are built to be right.

Sally: I'm just reflecting - one friend, I suddenly realized is angry about everything. I can look at it now and see that's she reacts the same way to everything. Here's somebody who reacts really high whether it's a minor or major injustice…..

TJL: It's part of evolution; we find we just can't be around certain types of people. It's just harder to be around them once you've upgraded the quality of your resources.

Dina: I don't know if we have time, but you asked for a difficult one. I moved to this secluded place and have been living in incredible peace as I've been evolving and expanding myself. I live on a private lake and there aren't any other full-time residents. 2 years ago, my sister moved in for the summer to stay on property right next door. I have clear boundaries and have spent 2 years reinforcing those with her, but it still takes an enormous amount to handle this.

TJL: You're right - that's a hard one. I don't know if I could answer that; I can empathize, though.

DB: I would try to figure out why you're reacting, and try to transcend it.

TJL: It seems like you're really managing it, rather than trying to transcend it. also, there are some things in life a person will never NOT react to.

DB: What I've found is that you'll get a sense of why you reacted after the event, and I got to where I would call them back and try to dig into it - even if there was a 3-day time lag. After about a year, I noticed I would begin reacting in the moment or shortly after, and was able to deal with it better.

TJL: You catch it sooner?

DB: Yes.

TJL: Any final comments?

DB: No, none for me.

TJL: Thanks everyone, very much!