 Introduction
 Who is this MicroModule most useful for?
The
defining success MicroModule is useful with anyone at any age. And, it is particularly useful with individuals
who:
1. Keep changing their goals or are easily distracted.
2. May know their values but don’t know how to orient around their values.
3. Aren't sure what their real priorities are in life.
4. Have goals but those goals aren’t being accomplished.
5. Need some help with defining who they are.
How do I bring up this subject to a client or potential client?
That’s
easy. This topic is not confrontive. Here are several ways to phrase the invitation:
”John, have you ever taken 10 minutes to define the 3 ways you measure success for
yourself?”
”Barb, I can take you through a little process that will help you naturally
prioritize for the rest of your life. Takes
about 10 minutes. Interested?”
”Steve, one of the things I generally do with all my new clients is to help them
identify the 3 ways in which they would personally measure successful for themselves. May I do that with you?”
How do I transition someone to become my client after this?
Once
someone has completed the exercise, they should be pretty excited by their 3 definitions. And they’ll now be wondering how to realign
their life, goals, priorities, relationships around their 3 newly articulated definitions
of success. Here is some phrasing you can use
to segue them to becoming a client of yours.
”Given what you’ve just articulated, how can I help you, John?”
”Okay, Jan, there is a next step to this process and that’s to tweak a couple of
things in your life to make sure your life can be in synch with the 3 success definitions
you just articulated?”
”Bob, given what you now know, what’s the next step in the process of living
these successful definitions?”
”Karen, how would you use me as your coach to help get your life completely oriented
around your 3 definitions of success?”
Here is what you should know...
 Your folks will tend to modify the first part of the sentence.
The correct form is
I know I am being successful by…
Bring them back to this format because it helps them tell the truth instead of turning
this into a goal or something.
Press your folks to complete the sentence
in as few words as possible.
They’ll tend to ramble
and include two elements like “I know I'm being successful by how anxious I am to get
up in the morning and start my work.” Well, which is it?
Press for single words not dual words.
When you hear them using two
words like “I know I’m being successful when I feel happiness and joy” then
ask them to scrap that one and start over. Same is truly if they use two adjectives
instead of just one.
Jump in with rephrasing examples.
You don’t have to wait
for them to come up with them. For example,
with above example I asked if it was more like…
”I know I’m being successful by how eagerly I jump out of bed in the
morning.”
”I know I’m being successful by how excited I am to start my day.”
”I know I’m being successful by how many exciting things I’ve got scheduled
for the day.”
These are very similar, but subtle word differences matter in this exercise.
Keep playing with the person’s
wording until a light bulb goes on.
And it will. When the right phrase (aka truth) pops out, the
person instantly gets it and also gets the value of this exercise. It pops, they pop. It’s noticeable. You’ve now got a motivated client. And, if it doesn’t pop for the person,
don’t worry. You’ve planted a very
important seed. It will grow on its own.
This exercise is really powerful because
it, by itself, will move folks forward.
You’ll find that in order
to live their 3 success definitions that they’ll go out and get a more fitting job,
stop doing stuff that doesn’t fit for them, shift some relationships around, and
eagerly start designing a complete life that reflects their 3 success definitions.
It’s nothing short of magic.
You are helping the person identify
internal, personal benchmarks.
Not
the more typical external or performance measures. The
external or performance measures come and go. These
internal definitions of success, while they may change over time, will be fairly
consistent because they are both personal and fundamental to that person. They are theirs, not the world’s. These are 3 golden threads in the fabric of their
lives.
50 Sample success
definitions.
Here’s list of 50 well phrased success definitions. Familiarize yourself with these and you’ll be
better equipped to help a client articulate theirs. Note: Not all of these examples
follow the suggested phrasing convention but they do work pretty well.
I know I am being successful by how many whims I am chasing.
I know I am being
successful by the feeling I'm
giving my very best effort in everything I do.
I know I am being
successful by how much
passive income I am generating.
I know I am being
successful when I can wake up
every morning of every day and decide "what will I do today?"
I know I am being
successful when I can live
anywhere in the world I choose, at any time.
I know I am being
successful when I have no
deadlines to meet.
I know I am being
successful when I can look at
my calendar and see nothing but open spaces.
I know I am being
successful by the absence of
"time for money" arrangements
I know I am being
successful when my stomach is
knot free at all times.
I know I am being
successful when there are no
whiny people in my life.
I know I am being
successful when I truly enjoy
the full range of my emotions, even the ones I don’t like.
I know I am being
successful when I don't have
to worry about the balance in my checkbook.
I know I am being
successful when I watch my
kids becoming positive, compassionate, spiritual, loving adults.
I know I am being
successful by how little I
care about what other people think of me.
I know I am being
successful by how easily my
ideas convert into revenue streams.
I know I am being
successful by how often I
have no to do list for the day.
I know I am being
successful when I am happy
almost all of the time.
I know I am being
successful by how much energy
I have throughout the day.
I know I am being
successful by how well I
treat my body.
I know I am being
successful by how often I feel
at peace.
I know I am being
successful by how rich my
life is without being an expensive consumer.
I know I am being
successful when I have thrown
away my alarm clock because it is unnecessary.
I know I am being successful by how little I react to situations where one would normally be
upset.
I know I am being
successful when other
people’s behavior doesn’t really affect me very much.
I know I'm being successful by how many great whims I am following.
I know I'm being successful by how
much of my day is spent in "flow."
I know I am being
successful by how often I
take vacations.
I know I am being
successful when I don't even
think about needing or wanting more clients.
I know I am being
successful in life when I can
afford to "lose myself" in everything that I endeavor
I know I am being
successful when I enjoy every
single thing I do with my time.
I know I am being
successful when I glow from
the love I give and receive.
I know I am being
successful when I am fully
enjoying life’s gifts.
I know I am being
successful by how rarely I
rush or experience adrenaline.
I know I am being
successful when life is so
easy that I'm suspicious.
I know I am being
successful by how
quickly I come to accept and integrate every single event that occurs
I know I am being
successful when I have the
reserves to freely engage in as many creative outlets as I wish at any given time.
I know I am being
successful by how often I am
feel inspired and energized.
I know I am being
successful when I'm having
the time of my life and I'm not doing anything stupid.
I know I am being
successful when people feel
comfortable coming to me to brainstorm new ideas
I know I am being
successful when my husband
and I can't wait to be home together.
I know I am being
successful by how often
people I meet take a great interest in my work.
I know I am being
successful by how many times I
laugh each day.
I know I am being
successful by how meaningful
my relationships are.
I know I am being
successful by how often I
feel the presence of God in my life during a day.
I know I am being
successful by how often I
flaunt (or ignore) the standard rules of the game.
I know I am being
successful when I feel no
anxiety, about anything, whatsoever.
I know I am being
successful when I no longer
have to work for money.
I know I am being
successful by how little I
hold back in what I say or do.
I know I am being
successful when I don't feel
the need to do nice things for people, and yet I do.
Related Evolutionary Progressions
Feel free to share these.
Related Life Models
Feel free to share these.
License Rights and Restrictions
This Defining Success Module is an original work product owned
by CoachVille.com, and is part of a larger work
called the Perfect Life Program and is also part of a large collection of 3 Step Training
Modules available at 3steptraining.com.
Each of our 3 Step Training Modules is licensed separately.
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session, you may duplicate and use this Module during the Study Group/Chapter meeting, and
those attending your CV Study Group CV Chapter meeting are licensed to use this
process/exercise with their clients, on a one-to-one basis, with no license
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2. If you/anyone wishes to weave this exercise into a workshop or presentation, or work
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Transcript of Training Session
Defining Success
January 11, 2002 - 2:00 p.m. EST
Thomas Leonard, Session Leader
The RealAudio of this session is here.
*Please note, you will want to
stop the call after about 15-20 minutes, when you are playing this for your study group,
to break into small groups and have them work on defining success for themselves.
TJL: Hi; welcome to the call; this is a discussion group of the study group hosts. Our
topic today is defining success, one of the first modules we've come up with to do with
the attendees of your study group. I'll be speaking for about 5 minutes to give you some
background, and then I'll ask those on the call to share some of their definitions. This
is a powerful process, and it's important to use very specific language when talking about
this subject to turn it from a bright idea to a real reference point in one's life. I want
to share with you as many examples as possible. At the end, we'll talk about how to
actually use it with your study group attendees and answer questions.
The background first is important because I think you should understand where some of
these micro-modules came from, and it's important to match the right module with the right
situation.
A couple of years ago, I talked to a high-end PR expert about whether I wanted to be
another Tony Robbins. This person, about 10 minutes into the conversation, asked me a very
powerful question - how come you're not sure if you should be sure if you should become
the next Tony Robbins? I told her I hadn't thought about it much, and she couldn't
understand why I didn't even know if I wanted this. Then she asked me if I hadn't ever
defined success for myself. I hadn't really. She asked that I do that first; I took a
couple days to think about it, and ended up with 3 things I felt were how I defined
success for myself, and I'll share them with you.
Again, each word matters in both how I set it up and each word I use - it's not trying to
be a language police, but there is a certain way of phrasing that is true; it really pops
up. The first one is "I know I am being successful by how much I'm
enjoying my creativity." There's a standard preface, "I know I
am being successful by…." And then the second part is some example of that. This was not my first
iteration; it was a process that led me to something I could measure and feel. This was my
3rd iteration, and it just stuck for me.
These are based on experimenting, and you can't often experience it without some
experimenting. You might want to pair people up to help each other. The 2nd one, for me,
is "I know I'm being successful by how much I'm being nourished by my relationship
with God." So, it isn't how much I believe in God; I look at God and thought about
what is it about that relationship that is important to me.
Also, what you're going to find as you work with the group, people will often have one
that doesn't make sense to anybody else, but means a lot to them. Mine is "I know I'm
being successful by how nice a person I am at any given time." Women, particularly,
are kind of forced to be nice - it's kind of a cultural tether. For me, this was
incredibly important - to be strong and confident, but still be nice. I can make $1
million or $10 million, but if I'm not nice in the process, then I've failed.
These are the 3 "legs" or the tripod, that are true and being respected and
being honored and provides a certain feeling of success for you. For me, I could be broke,
but if these 3 feelings were true, I would feel successful. For most of us, success has
been defined by others - either family, friends, television, co-workers, etc. One of the
benefits of this process is that it becomes a filter or screen for things that used to get
right to you; it can protect you from undue influences. If you know who you are, it's
really a barometer and a filter.
First, thanks for listening, and I want to get to examples. Before we get to those, does
anybody have any questions or success story to offer?
Mary Pat:
Obviously, I need to do this exercise for myself, first. Coaching someone, is it important
to direct them away from work success as a personal success? If someone defines success as
having 16 accounts and making $250,000 a year, would you let them be with that?
TJL: That's a great question. I would actually go a bit deeper, and ask them about more
personal benchmarks - ask them if there's a more personal version of that that's not
numbers driven. They might want to refine their goal of 16 accounts to the number of
referrals they're getting from their current customers.
Mary Pat:
Thank you.
TJL: You're welcome. Who else has a question about this? Great; let's get back and talk
about you. I'd like to ask for a volunteer. Start off by saying, "I know I'm being
successful by how…." And then go from there.
Donna: I know I'm being successful by how anxious I am to get up in the morning and start
my work.
TJL: Okay; great. This is a fairly common one; is it the process of waking up happy, or
going to work, or having something to look forward to every morning?
Donna: When I wake up, I'm thinking already about what I'm going to do and just jump out
of bed.
TJL: Okay; is it about how fast you jump out?
Donna: I think if things are going well in my work, I lay in bed and think about what I
need to do, but when I'm feeling successful, I'm all there and ready to jump out.
TJL: What you said was very clear; I'm just trying to push it to make sure it's true for
you. There are actually 2 components there. I'm trying to make sure it's work or it's
jumping out of bed.
Donna: That's a good question.
TJL: Okay; let me help you. You can help by pushing the opinion - it's important to have
an exchange. Rather than just trying to evoke it from each other, give each other ideas
about how they would phrase what the other person said. If you use this generic one, it
also forces you to come up with things that you find exciting on Saturday and Sunday.
Donna: That's a good point; it did feel different when you mentioned 'Saturday'.
TJL: And when it's really true, it'll make a difference in their life. I stopped drinking
coffee, I got rid of some relationships, etc. I used these as benchmarks to define my
life. If your goal is to wake up like this everyday….
Donna: That's a good point.
XXX: I know I'm being successful by how fulfilled I feel when I'm in the process of doing
something.
TJL: Okay. Say it again, if you would.
XXX: I know I'm being successful by how fulfilled I feel when I'm in the process of doing
something.
TJL: Okay; give me one example.
XXX: When I'm talking to a client, if I feel really fulfilled by the conversation.
TJL: And how do you know you're feeling fulfilled?
XXX: It's just a feeling I have - when someone's understanding themselves or the world
around them.
TJL: Okay; let me just use that as a teaching example. Sometimes during the first
iteration people will use a word that's a category, rather than a specific feeling. In
this example, it's 'fulfilled'. It's a word they could use, but you want to find out,
thought, what it is that is making them feel fulfilled. You want to find out what that
thing is, because it'll provide even more punch to the definition. I'm not saying it is,
but am just using it as an example. You want to push them to say what it is really, and
whatever they say, that's what you want to grab onto. Being fulfilled is the by-product.
XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I laugh or smile during the day.
TJL: Which is it?
XXX: Both.
TJL: I challenge this because when people say 2 words, I want them to use one. When they
say 2, it's usually neither of the two, but is something behind those two. I can't tell
you why that is, but it is. Say it again.
XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I laugh or smile during the day.
TJL: Is it times of the day, qualities of smiling, how many times?
XXX: How often I feel joy, I guess.
TJL: And how do you know you're feeling joy?
XXX: By how often I'm laughing or smiling. They're the outward marks of the joy I feel.
TJL: And what causes that?
XXX: Connecting with someone, moving forward myself or helping a client move forward.
TJL: Okay. You want to take what the person said, and poke around in it a bit. There's no
juice to it yet. It's kind of like the world "fulfilled". I want to find out
what's behind it; what actually causes you joy? Joy, technically, from the old definition,
is intellectual stimulation that occurs.
XXX: That's kind of it.
TJL: The trick is for you to pick 3 things that have juice in them and provide some
direction or benchmark. For example, I am more than a creative person, a believer in God,
and a nice person, but for me, those are important benchmarks. Let me give you a couple of
examples, and you tell me which one is closest. I know how successful I'm being by how
easily forward I'm moving in any situation; I know how successful I'm being by how much I
connect with others; and I know how successful I'm being by how much intellectual
stimulation I'm enjoying from all sources.
XXX: Wow, I think you just did all 3 of mine!
TJL: What do you know! (laugh) - just to give you guys a sense of things. I've finally
become pretty good at nailing them pretty fast, but I wasn't always. The good thing about
being a coach for this module, you'll get really good at this much faster. You'll get
better and better at thinking of ways to phrase things that the client hasn't thought of.
Which of the 3 seems to have the most juice for you?
XXX: How easily I'm moving forward in any situation.
TJL: That's a pretty telling measure. It means your synchronicity is working…
XXX: It kind of encompasses the others. That's helpful; thank you.
TJL: We have time for 1 or 2 more; who's next?
Mary Pat:
I know by how consistently I use the truth of my voice.
TJL: In terms of vocal chords, or….?
Mary Pat:
No, in terms of my voice.
TJL: And how are you being truthful?
Mary Pat:
When I see something and I say something about it; I don't repress it. So it's about
consistently using my voice for truth?
TJL: So you've had the 'mute' button on?
Mary Pat:
Yes, it's been on quite often.
TJL: It's a matter of taking that 'mute' button off.
Mary Pat:
Right.
TJL: Sometimes you can phrase things in the negative and it's still quite positive. Tell
me what you think…. By how rarely my mute button is on. That seems like the conflict
you're having; you're not playing with the truth. You're playing with the mute button. Or,
I know… how little I delay in saying what comes to mind. It could be not just the
'on' or 'off', but how long you wait to say something. Remember when we talked about
intuition or inkling? An inkling is something even quieter than intuition, so my guess is
that you're having inklings but not a lot of evidence to back them up…. As you begin
to trust that, and begin to share those inklings, it'll make a big difference. It'll
really begin to open you up. It's more than just truth; inklings are often a richer form
of truth. Intuition is too conscious, if you know what I mean. Coaches are really in the
inkling business, but sometimes we're afraid when they come to mind.
Again, this is just an example of taking something and turning it into a learning
exercise, and weaving in the distinctions between inkling and intuition. It's a way to
rather than have 3 definitions, have 3 definitions that connect to parts of their lives.
If you were to re-phrase it in your own words, what would you say?
XXX: I know I'm being successful by how often I can trust and share my inklings.
TJL: Great.
XXX: Thank you; I've been struggling with this for a long time.
TJL: You now know what it feels like to find one, and now that you say it, it just really
rings true for you.
XXX: Thank you.
TJL: Now, I'm going to ask as many of you as are willing to share something that I did,
something you noticed or learned; I want to do a 'brain dump' on your part, and make it
helpful for those listening to the tape or reading the transcription. What did you learn?
XXX: I learned more about the internal aspects of being successful, rather than the
external.
TJL: And what does that mean?
XXX: Just the "I feel successful when I'm being…" rather than when I do
this or that…..
TJL: So they're not so much achievement points?
XXX: Yes.
TJL: Good; who else?
Jan: I found how important it is to get the words down and get the meaning behind it.
TJL: Yes, if you can poke and dig a little, it becomes more than just a definition, but a
good experiment.
XXX: What I got was from the last person - you just look a little deeper and you begin to
really understand how powerful it is.
TJL: Yes, and it is kind of looking for a pot of gold. By dialoguing with you and
constantly poking, something pops up.
Donna: I think it was helpful when you said that when people use 2 words, they usually
mean neither one. In doing that with me, I found a great definition for what I was trying
to say.
TJL: Thank you for that; who's next?
Mary Pat:
One thing that came up for me - when someone is using a common phrase, you're going to
want to dig deeper. It's not deeper, and you need to find out what's really underneath
that.
TJL: Yes. Who's next?
Mimi: One thing I learned is hearing the passion change in a person's voice when they're
getting closer.
TJL: Yes, their eyes light up, they start to shine, and you'll know when it's there. You
may tweak it from that point on, but you'll know the point at which they really get it.
XXX: I had the point of words just reinforced for me. I also lacked the distinction of
inkling and intuition, and I just treasure that.
XXX: Hearing your story and how you came up with the 3 areas for yourself was a good
framework to work off of.
TJL: Thank you; you can share that if you want or share your story or success with it -
whatever helps someone understand the history and the power of it. any questions about how
to use this with your study group?
Diane: You mentioned earlier that we might want to pair up…
TJL: You can do that or all work on someone's for 10 minutes. You can also weave in
teaching points, and use that to help them learn to work with their clients. You can also
give them homework to come up with the 3 definitions and bring them to the study group;
that way you can move into the background and experimentation with the ideas they've
gotten. People don't so much want theory, but a minute or two might provide some good
context.
XXX: I was thinking of sort of a mastermind session when you first brought it up, and
working with each person that way.
TJL: Yes, the center of attention would work well too.
Donna: You're really good at facilitating this; what if it doesn't pop?
TJL: It's not always going to pop for you; you're going to find 1 or 2 people in the group
who are just naturally good and just some how 'get it' and they're going to be doing the
job you think you should do because they're just good at it. Defer to them; it makes for a
much more interesting day for them, so don't be afraid. It's not going to be perfect, but
you're going to get plenty of value from going through the exercise.
Donna: Thank you.
TJL: You're welcome; anyone else?
Paul: If, during the discussion, someone gets confused between their definitions of
success and life purpose, how would you talk to someone about that?
TJL: Life purpose and definition of success are total opposites, just to clarify that.
Purpose is kind f why you're here, where success definitions are what's most important to
you.
XXX: That makes sense to me; some people I've spoken with think they're similar. I'm glad
to hear how you've phrased it.
TJL: When some people get into the life purpose thing, they can't proceed with life. It
holds them back and they think they can't proceed because they don't have one.
XXX: That's great; thank you.
TJL: You're welcome. Anyone else?
XXX: Can I just go back to the conversation about having 2 words can sometimes lead to a
muddying of the waters? I agree, but I have two words, passion and joy, and don't think
I'd really like to let go of either one of those. Could you go back to that idea and
refine it for us a little? What should we do when a client doesn't want to let them go?
TJL: Ask them to suspend it - ask them to re-phrase it using 2 other words. That way you
don't have to be argumentative; just ask them to suspend it temporarily. For example, I
had someone talk to me about the notion of choice. When I asked him to suspend the word
"choice" from his lexicon for 30 days, he was so confused and didn't like it at
all. He was wedded to "choice"! Maybe that's the actual problem; maybe you're in
a loop.
Flo: Can I comment on that? I had something similar in one of mine; I had something about
it made me laugh and had meaning. One of my definitions of success is when I write
something that moves me, not just makes me laugh.
TJL: Our time is up; thank you all for playing. I appreciate you staying until the end!
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